I (28F) am tired of fixing everything for husband (32m)

A Reddit user (28F) shares her frustration in her marriage with her husband (32M), who is autistic. Over the years, she’s taken on the emotional labor of “fixing” their disagreements, which has left her feeling burned out and resentful. Her husband often says hurtful things during arguments.

Such as mentioning divorce or expressing emotional detachment. While he apologizes after the fact, she is tired of always being the one to initiate resolution. She asks for advice on how to help him learn to take responsibility for the reconciliation process without overwhelming herself. Read the original story below.

‘ I (28F) am tired of fixing everything for husband (32m)’

Basically the issue is, my husband is autistic and I am empathetic (or sensitive as he would say). He has an (admittedly) terrible tendency for saying extremely insensitive and sometimes, down-right cruel things to me. I will get hurt, but then I get angry.

Examples of some hurtful things he’s said repeatedly: “If its so awful let’s just get divorced”, “I honestly feel nothing for you sometimes, and I find it exhausting to pretend I care”, “Why are you making this into a huge deal?”, and “I’m tired of your bitching I haven’t changed so I don’t know what your problem is.”

Admittedly, somethings I know I’m sensitive to, especially when he drops “divorce” into the conversation. He’s thrown it out there numerous times, and if I don’t start the dialogue he just doubles down on it.

The second I calm down, and explain my point of view without emotion or anything, he’s willing to admit that he shouldn’t have said that and how he truly doesn’t want to leave me. The downside is now every time we have a disagreement or he says something hurtful, I’m cautious because I hate when he just throws up his figurative arms and calls it a day..

Recently we’ve had a lot of discussions and I’ve expressed that I’m tired of always having to start the “fixing” process. Increasingly, I’ve found myself just walking away and leaving it. He’s expressed that it worries him when I do this because to him it feels like I’m giving up on the relationship.

I’ll admit full fault here; I truly believe that he’s gotten used to me “fixing” things over the years and so he expects that I’ll get the makeup process going. I can see him trying, but he has said numerous times that he doesn’t know where to start.

I made the comparison to him fixing our cars: when he doesn’t understand how to fix it, he looks it up, watches videos, and educates himself on how to make the cars right again.. This is a bit longer than I was expecting so I’ll cut to the chase.

I believe that since I’ve been the “fixer” for so long, mixed with me going into an intense program (nursing student), I’m just burnt out with being the go to recovery person. He argues that even though we’ve been married 9 years (together 10) we’ve only really come into ourselves now, so he’s due more patience from me to adapt.

Our early years were barely a marriage so I’m with him on that point, we were both young and just sort of jumped into things.. ​ I guess my question is: How can I help him learn how to makeup after arguments without completely feeling exhausted and exasperated by it?.

Check out how the community responded:

[Reddit User] −  Autism is not an excuse to be an a**hole. He knows that when he throws out stuff like that it upsets you, because you have told him that.

He doesn’t get to play dumb and pretend that his autism makes everything impossible. He is more than capable of coming to you and saying “I want to fix this” when things have gone wrong. You’re supposed to be a team.

SquishiestSquish −  I agree with the therapy idea. But… I honestly don’t have much experience of close relationships with people on the autism spectrum, but my understanding is that while they might not intuitively know if a certain thing is hurtful or insensitive, they’re not incapable of learning it once told.

You mention phrases he has said repeatedly: if you have told him these phrases are deeply hurtful and escalate any disagreement you’re having, then he knows that and still does it. At that point I don’t think it’s really an autism problem? Rather he knows he’s saying things that are hurtful and saying them anyway.

jolie178923-15423435 −  He argues that even though we’ve been married 9 years (together 10) we’ve only really come into ourselves now, so he’s due more patience from me to adapt.

That is self-serving b**lshit and you know it. You yourself said that he learned how to fix cars by watching youtube videos, and there are JUST as many youtube videos out there that teach people how to apologize properly. If he gave half a s**t, he would find them.

Ethelfleda −  This isn’t about the autism. This is about him emotionally and verbally abusing you. This is about him choosing to be an a**hole. And you can’t MAKE anyone do anything. If he hasn’t learned after 9 years..he ain’t going to now.

m4dswine −  I would suggest that you see a counsellor who has some experience of working with couples where one person is autistic.

tenecwhiskey −  It’s NOT your fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s a terrible situation and you are completely entitled to feel burned out, o**rwhelmed and resentful. My husband has Aspergers. I feel your pain. Both of you need to get into counseling, him especially.

rawrasaurusxo −  Start with a reward system for correctly identifying situations where he should apologize, using real examples from previous encounters.

Have you ever felt like the emotional work in a relationship is one-sided? How do you balance supporting a partner who struggles with emotional communication while also preserving your own mental well-being? What strategies have worked for you in teaching a partner to share in the effort to resolve conflict? Share your thoughts below!