AITA for not letting my husband go out with his friend Christmas Day night?

A wife (likely in her 30s) is upset after her husband announced last-minute plans to see his high school friend on Christmas night, a tradition he’s followed in the past. This interferes with her family’s Christmas evening plans, which include special accommodations for their young children.

Despite her offering compromises, her husband insists this tradition is specific to Christmas night and accuses her of not supporting his friendships. Now, while he’s agreed not to go, the tension has disrupted their family celebration. She wonders if she’s being unreasonable for prioritizing family time over his friend’s visit.

‘ AITA for not letting my husband go out with his friend Christmas Day night?’

My husband used to go out with his high school friends Christmas day night, while they were in town. I will admit I’ve never liked this tradition. To me, Christmas day is time to spend with family, not friends. The last few years, this has not even happened. Almost everybody has families and/or has moved on.

Today (yes, Christmas Eve) my husband announced to me that he was making plans to go out with Michael, a high school friend of his, tomorrow night. Michael only comes into town for Christmas. I was pretty upset. We are spending Christmas day with my family, and they had made some very thoughtful accomodations for us to enable us to spend time with them late into the evening despite having young children.

We had a terse conversation in which my husband said I had agreed to him doing this months ago. I had asked him how I could support his friendships, and he replied, “support me seeing my friends when they are in town.” He says this means Christmas day night, and I should have known it meant Christmas day night cuz he always sees them on Christmas day night.

I said he should have given me a few weeks’ warning instead of springing it on me Christmas Eve. He said he does this every year, and I should have known. He also said I had not told him that our plans with my family went into the night. Which is… I guess I had not been explicit. But I had told him that they were moving the party to our house after the messy stuff [edit: After presents, for dinner] so that we could play games with them while the kids were in bed, and I thought that was obvious enough.

I suggested tonight, tomorrow night after 10:00 or our kids’ naptime window tomorrow as other compromises, but my husband says, “this isn’t the time we do this. Michael will want to spend that time with his family, and he’s not willing to be out late as he has an early flight. We spend time together on Christmas day night.”

He’s agreed not to go out with his friend, but we’re kinda pissed with each other now. He said he feels like I’m breaking the promise I made to him and I’m not valuing his friendships. We’re doing Christmas with his family today, and this whole thing has completely ruined the mood. We’re finding little corners to fight in instead of actually enjoying the time with his family.

And I don’t really have anybody to talk about this with, because everybody’s enjoying Christmas, and I don’t want to ruin their days either.. So Reddit, AITA?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Marvelous_Marigolds −  YTA. Omg you get your husband every single day of the year you can’t just let him have a few hours? He has to sit around your family all day accommodating whatever traditions you all have but you have no respect for his because they are “just friends”? Come closer to the mic so you can explain to everyone how much you don’t support your spouse.

This friendship is important to him and his tradition means a lot to him. You don’t need to understand it, you don’t need to agree with it but the very least you can do is give him the same grace to practice that he’s given you every single year up until now.

You said it yourself, you weren’t clear. How are you upset at him for not knowing what you didn’t communicate? On the flip side you did know that the meeting would take place the evening of Christmas because it historically always had. You had no reason to believe anything had changed in terms of his tradition.

Does he know how you feel about it? The fact that he feels he needs to ask you permission for a few hours of seeing his friends that he only has access to once a year when you already had him all day is selfish on your part. A chosen family is still family it would be nice if you could see it that way for his sake too. Edit: Booo. That solution was just as bad as your initial refusal.

Disastrous-Nail-640 −  YTA. Your edit actually makes it worse. He can’t go for 2 damn hours? You haven’t figured out that his friends are like family to him? Why does he have to be with your family late into the night? And, moreover, why tf do you even need to call your family about this? That’s beyond ridiculous.

Money-Possibility606 −  YTA. I understand that you want to spend Christmas with your family, but… this is a thing. People who live out of town often only have a day or two IN town and they need to cram in seeing people when they can. You’ve got to compromise. If he can’t see his friend during this time he’s asked for, when CAN he see him? Probably never… so… it’s either you let him have this time or he misses out on his friend. And an entire YEAR goes by before he can see him again.

I understand that it’s Christmas and it’s special, but…. you have your husband every other day of the year. This is the one day he can see this guy. Let him. Apologize, let him go, and try not to let this ruin your holiday. Enjoy the time with your parents while he’s gone, let your kids have some quality grandparent time and move on.

The whole “Christmas is for family” idea is b**lshit. Christmas is for the people you love – they don’t have to be blood relatives. You’re with your husband and kids EVERY OTHER NIGHT OF THE YEAR. Men always complain that they don’t have deep friendships, and here there are, two men TRYING to keep in touch and keep a relationship going, and you’re getting in the way and making it impossible. This is a GOOD thing. I’d be ENCOURAGING him to go.

I would encourage them to make better plans – maybe see each other at a time other than Christmas day next time – plan to both be in town for an extra day, have brunch on the 26th or something, book a later flight – so this doesn’t happen again next year. But if it does happen again next year, let him go. Friendships are important. He’s not bad for wanting to see his friend.

ptheresadactyl −  I honestly don’t understand what you’re upset about. I read through initially thinking I’d be on your side, and then I was perplexed. He’s going to be there for Christmas morning with your kids and dinner with your whole family. You knew this was happening, and it sounds like you’re spending the whole day with your family.

It’s not like you two live in a city with no family, and he’s leaving you alone. He’s participating in all the major events, and once it’s winding down, he wants to see someone else he cares about. As someone whose friends are family, I’d be so upset if my friends partner prohibited them from taking a few hours to meet up while I was in town. Let him go.

pbblankgirl −  You should be supportive of your husband.. YTA. P.s. it’s “Christmas night” not Christmas Day night.

HisExcellencyAndrejK −  I’m confused. He wants to leave for 2 hours in the afternoon, but you need to call your family to ask if this is OK? Why does he need their permission? Is he on parole?

mackeyca87 −  YTA- you going to call your family up to see if it’s Ok for your husband to go hang out with friends. Why the heck your family have a say in what your husband going to do. It’s one night. You are very unreasonable.

Expensive_Garden_534 −  YTA. It sounds like your whole family will be spending the majority of Christmas Day together. Your husband wants to go out after the kids are asleep, your family will be at your house, you can still play games with them and your husband can go out with his out of town friend for a few hours. This honestly sounds perfect to me, you even have backup (your family) to help with your kids should they wake up.

Ordinary_Map_5000 −  Please stop saying “Christmas day night”. It’s Christmas night. Just Christmas night.

crypt0bug −  I’d say that your family nucleus (husband-wife+kids) is always the priority, but it’s important to note that blood or lack thereof does not disqualify anyone from being considered family. It may be the case that once a year is the only time your husband has to see his friend, meaning he has to skip a couple of hours of a day, even though it’s Christmas day/night. A viable solution could be having friends (considered as family) join the festivities.