Dumping her [26/F] for failing to believe me [25/M] about being sick?

A Reddit user (25M) shares his frustration with his girlfriend (26F), who consistently dismisses his claims of being sick. Recently, when he experienced excruciating back pain, which turned out to be kidney stones, his girlfriend refused to believe him and left for an event despite his pleas for help.

He later had to go to the hospital and undergo a procedure for the kidney stones. Afterward, she apologized for her actions, but he feels deeply hurt and is unsure whether he should continue the relationship. Read the original story below.

‘ Dumping her [26/F] for failing to believe me [25/M] about being sick?’

My GF and I have been together for about a year. Most everything is great except one thing: If I tell her I’m sick/not feeling well/hurt she refuses to believe me. If I have a cold, she tells me I’m faking it until it goes away and then says “see, you are fine!” I’m rarely sick, so it’s never been a major issue. But, she has zero sympathy when I’m sick.

She grew up with hypochondriac parents who were always “sick” with something, often self-diagnosing themselves with fatal maladies. She has limited contact with them and the time I met them, I was told (by them) that “they didn’t have long left to live.” I get it, growing up in that household must have been awful.

But, what happened on Sunday just sent me over the edge. GF and my sister [29/F] wanted to check-out this event and we were all supposed to go. I woke up with excruciating back pain and could barely breathe. GF got so mad at me for “ruining this” that she wouldn’t speak to me.

As she was about to leave I asked her not to leave because I thought something was wrong. She said no and left. I threw up in my bed and eventually called my parents (I was too embarrassed to call 9-1-1) and my mother and brother hauled me to the hospital.

I was whisked back and after ~20 minutes I was diagnosed with kidney stones. Fentanyl and gravol and I had a CT scan and then went for a procedure to bust the kidney stones. (Anyone questioning whether or not to have the procedure: DO IT. The side effects are nothing).

5 hours later and I was laying on my parent’s sofa in a haze. I have never, and hope to never, feel pain like that again in my life. I was sure I was going to die. The attending in the ER told me it’s worse than child birth and that they’ve had it before, too.

I didn’t text my GF throughout because I really didn’t have the strength or foresight. I was drugged up and uncomfortable. My sister found out that I had been in the emergency room and soon after my GF called me. She was pissed off I didn’t call her.

Then I reminded her that I begged her not to leave as I thought something was wrong. She got quiet and eked out an apology. I got furious and said something rather n**ty things.. among them “f-off” and some other unsavory things.

In fairness, I was on dope, still sore, peeing blood and felt like someone had punched me in the gut. Standing was incredibly painful. I needed to take two days off of work & school, I rested in bed and the only thing you can think is “the person who should have been there didn’t even believe me.”

She’s texted me this week a formal apology and wants one in return for saying n**ty things to her. I’ve been avoiding her texts/calls. I’ve felt like s**t this week and picked something up in the ER so I laid low, took a few days off work and relaxed.

She wants to meet tonight and talk about everything, but I’m still so mad I don’t know if I should hold off seeing her. Is this as big a transgression as I feel like it is? Am I blowing this out of proportion because I felt so s**tty?. I just am so annoyed and angry.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

baffled_soap −  If you want to work through this, meet up & hear her out. If she’s focused on getting her apology from you instead of discussing what happened, then I would bail. (Note that I think you should apologize for the specific words you chose to express your anger.

I don’t think you’re wrong for being angry, but you could’ve expressed it differently, without swearing at her etc.) If you get through that, I would be interested to hear how she plans to change her behavior moving forward. You had a medical emergency, & she basically left you to fend for yourself.

Luckily, we live in the age of phones we can reach form our beds, & also luckily, you have other people you can depend on besides her. But I would want to know how she plans to change her behavior in the future when you’re feeling unwell.

I think it’s possible that this was a wake up call for her that not everyone she encounters in this world will be like her parents & that she needs to work on those issues.

But I also think it’s possible that she’s just trying to assuage her guilt here & will end up trying to shift blame back onto you for not doing enough to convince her this was a serious health problem.

Throwawaythe666 −  I’d have to real hard time getting past this. And even if I did, I’d be worried that I’d have to deal with her nonsensical b**lshit every time I got sick. Who wants to deal with guilting and doubt on top of feeling physically sick? For f**k sake it sounds like you have to be hospitalized for her to believe you? She can kick rocks.

Nadaplanet −  Personally, I would meet up with her and see if she is actually sincere or not. If she is honestly remorseful, maybe this situation has been a wake up call for her and shown her that not everyone is constantly afraid of illness like her parents.

Maybe she’s seen that sometimes people are actually sick and not overreacting to the extreme every time they complain. If she is sorry and feels bad, I think you should apologize for what you said. You admit you said some very n**ty things, and, drugged or not, an apology from you for your words is also warranted.

If she is more focused on getting an apology and glossing over how she acted…..I would say d**p her. Because she’ll just keep up the mean behavior. Regardless, she should probably get some therapy for herself.

I can’t imagine growing up in a house where you’re getting dragged to doctors constantly for very sniffle or perceived illness, and having your parents tell you they’re dying all the time. Or being told you yourself are dying. Either situation would be terrifying for a child. I can imagine that would cause some serious psychological damage to a kid.

hyspanic −  When you pick a partner for life, the very least you should expect from that person is a ride to the hospital when you think you might be dying.

bananawith3legs −  If I asked my SO to stay with me because I had neck pain so bad that I couldn’t breathe I would feel SO betrayed if they left. Your reaction is 100% justified. Her first reaction should have been concern for you. In a normal reaction, she should have asked if you wanted her to bring you to the hospital.

I get that her past makes it difficult for her to be empathetic in situations like this but she needs individual therapy to figure that out. Imagine if she ever had kids and she didn’t believe them when they felt ill… that would be considered n**lect.

[Reddit User] −  If you can’t forgive her then you can’t forgive her. There is nothing wrong with ditching a relationship because of a lack of empathy. It really doesn’t matter why she has this problem – that’s for her to deal with. What she has shown you quite clearly is that you cannot trust her to have your back with things get rough.

Criticalfluffs −  OP, I don’t know if you’ll see this but in my personal experience I’ve had three times in my life I needed someone’s support due to medical reasons. 2 were scheduled, 1 was not. I can’t tell you how much incredible resentment I have for my husband that he wasn’t there for me.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out, I had 4 all at once and I was given hydrocodone. He was supposed to tell me to let the doctors office know if I threw up on it. I threw up a lot for about three days because it made me so nauseous. He laughed about it later like “oh hee hee I was supposed to tell you that.”

I had hives break out all over my body and my eyes were swollen. I didn’t even call him to let him know because I’d been begging him to address my needs for emotional support at that time and he just dismissed me. He was upset I didn’t call him but quite frankly I didn’t even think he’d cared at all.

I had bunion surgery (it involves cutting into the bone). His mom is a JustNo who had all these people helping her with the loss of a family friend… I partially understand it. But I had no one. I was at home, unable to move because it hurt so much and I was on powerful narcotics.

Truthfully if I needed to I probably would have messed the bed because that’s how much pain I was in. He left me alone when I shouldn’t have had to ask for him to stay. Thinking about it now, that’s not something you should have to ask of your partner.

OP, would you risk your life on your gf taking you seriously of your medical needs? Sure she needs counseling, but until she learns to stop dismissing your medical needs…

she should do that on her own time and you shouldn’t be her guinea p** until she figures that s**t out. Also, you don’t owe her a damned apology. She needs to grow the hell up.

hothotthottt −  I just want to point out that her first reaction after finding out about everything is to be PISSED that you didn’t call her. That’s incredibly selfish and mean.

I can understand her being angry that she didn’t know, but she should have understand that you were busy dealing with it, AND her first priority should be concern for you and your feelings in the wake of this health crisis. Instead, her feelings and anger are her top priority.

You are still very young, time to find someone who cares for you. It does take most people growing up to become more considerate. I doubt your current gf is gonna get there soon though. You can do and deserve better than being with someone like that

irisaura −  You aren’t. For a relationship to be successful you have to take early behaviour as an indication of future behaviour. In the past your girlfriend has shown you that she doesn’t believe you when you are sick. She may have learnt to roll her eyes and dismiss because of her parents but you aren’t her parents.

She has taken every instance of illness you have had as evidence you are like them, and this has lead to dismissing and abandoning you when you had a serious medical emergency.

Even if she’s sorry now, she still has to change her behaviour for all those times she dismissed you instead if grabbing you a box of tissues and a blanket and a bit of sympathy. If you want with time to continue this relationship then couple and individual counselling for girlfriend to address not every person is like her parents.

humboldt77 −  Normally I’d try to be a voice of reason and forgiveness, but I don’t think I could get past this. Her issues could have cost you your life. Imagine if it had been your appendix. Or any other emergency issue where her delay might have kept you from lifesaving treatment.

You should talk to her, but she doesn’t deserve an apology from you. You were doped up, going through incredible pain, and she still wasn’t apologetic. The second she found out you had been hospitalized she should have run to you and apologized profusely for doubting you.

Do you think the user’s reaction is justified, or should he let go of his anger and move forward? How important is it for partners to support each other during health issues, and what do you think is the best way to handle such a situation? Share your thoughts below!