My [23F] boyfriend [29M] keeps making my depression about him and it only makes me feel more hopeless.

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A Reddit user (23F) opens up about struggling with depression and her boyfriend’s (29M) reaction to it. While she has been dealing with depression for most of her life, it has worsened recently. However, instead of offering support, her boyfriend frequently makes her condition about him.

Asking questions like “How can I fix this?” and “Do you hate me?” This response makes her feel guilty and adds to her feelings of hopelessness. Despite asking him to stop, he continues to pressure her, making the situation even more difficult to handle. Read the original story below.

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‘ My [23F] boyfriend [29M] keeps making my depression about him and it only makes me feel more hopeless.?’

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life at this point, and usually have been okay at dealing with it. Recently I have been having some trouble with it, though (it gets worse in waves sometimes a few months at a time). This one started about 2 or 3 weeks ago.

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With this most recent wave, my boyfriend keeps saying things like: * How can I fix this?/I want to fix this/I’ll fix this. * Is this my fault?/What did I do? * Do you hate me?/Why do you hate me?

* It makes me feel bad when you’re like this. * I am sorry I don’t make you happy anymore/I used to make you happy. * Don’t say things like that/Why are you doing this to me?. etc.

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Every time he says something like that, it makes me feel guilty. I’ve asked him to stop saying those things and to just give me time, but he just doubles down.

I’ve tried telling him that it hurts when he says those things and that my feelings aren’t something he can control, but every time he asks why, I don’t have a good explanation aside that it just *does*. I don’t know what to do. I just feel hopeless.

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Check out how the community responded:

MarshmallowMorgasaur −  So my fiancé has depression and while I don’t voice the thoughts your boyfriend does I definitely can get them. Maybe I’m assuming here, but for me I almost feel like it’s my responsibility to make my fiancé happy, which isn’t true and isn’t healthy.

I’ve been working REALLY hard to break myself of this habit, but I really think it’s worth it to talk with your boyfriend and explore his current feelings regarding if he somehow feels responsible for your happiness.

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It’s tough because I’m guessing he wants to help but can’t, and feels useless and hopeless. He’s picking up your depression but lashing out because he feels I’m so useless because he really can’t do anything about it.

Similar to if your loved one had a broken leg and was crying out in pain, you’d feel absolutely terrible that there was nothing you could do to help them. Listening to their cries of pain for days, weeks, or months would definitely take its toll.

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For me, when I start to feel this way during my fiancé’s episodes, the best thing for me is to get some space. I naturally try so hard to be supportive that I’ll self sabotage. I try to be fun and engaging and kind and listen to him any time he needs me, and I n**lect my own needs and don’t take time to myself to recharge.

People can get burnt out being the shoulder to cry on, sometimes they need a break from the weight of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and I want to stress that you haven’t done anything wrong by being depressed. It’s just that he needs to take care of himself before he can take care of you, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Being able to get some time to himself can help a lot, and focusing on his own hobbies or interests is a great place to start. If I were you I’d open up a conversation about how he’s feeling, specifically if he feels like in some way he’s responsible for your happiness,

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and I’d let him know and encourage him to take some time to himself to recharge and relax. He could also do with some therapy or counseling- having someone to talk to and discuss healthy coping mechanisms would probably do wonders for him.

travelbug898 −  “Bf, all I need from you when I’m feeling down is your support. I need you to accept that there’s nothing you can do to ‘fix’ me and that it’s my own responsibility to manage my emotions here. All I need from you is a shoulder to cry on. Nothing else.

It’s unfair for you to guilt me for my mental illness and if you can’t handle the fact that sometimes I’m just gonna be down for no reason, then move on. Please stop making my depression into your problem when I’m the person who’s actually suffering here.”

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The truth is that some people just do not get and do not accept that mental illness is a real thing. Your bf may be one of those people and if him not understanding and respecting your depression is a dealbreaker for you, then it may be best to move on.

batmanvsgumby −  You could try reframing it as an illness. “If I had tuberculosis, would you think it had anything to do with our relationship? If I come down with the flu or break my a**le, are you going to try to love me well again?”

But comments like “why are you doing this to me” are a really, really bad sign. Do you truly think you’re better off with his guilt trips adding to your load than you would be single and focusing on yourself and your own well-being?

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GooseBook −  Are you in therapy? Maybe you can bring him to one of your sessions and your therapist can educate him a little bit on how to support a partner with depression. If he won’t hear it from you, maybe he’ll be able to hear it from someone with a little “authority” on the subject.

I’ve been on both sides of this, and yes, it’s certainly difficult and frustrating to feel like you can’t just swoop in and save your partner, but the depressed partner is not the one to vent this frustration to.

Have you/he ever heard of “support in/d**p out”? It means that when there’s a problem, you support the people who are most affected by that problem (i.e. you, the person with depression)

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and do all your complaining/venting/crying to people who are further away from the problem than you (e.g. his own therapist, friends, etc, though he should be careful and selective how and to whom he complains).

subtle_mullet −  Dealing with someone else’s depression can wear you down. It sounds like he’s breaking. Which sucks. But try to realize that he cares about you and can’t stand to see you miserable. I spent a lot of time in my life dealing with depression,

I know it’ll take a while before you believe these things, but they are true. He might not be able to support you in the way you need him to, and you can’t fix that.

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sitcom-noir −  The man is almost 30 and goes out of his way to guilt-trip his 23 yr old gf for having depression. No wonder you feel hopeless, your bf is self-centered and pathetic.

callofthecrow −  Does your depression cause you to become angry? I used to suffer from depression and would often get angry at my boyfriend, at times for things he was not to blame. My temperament was always on edge and at times i would constantly bicker at him, which I’m sure would take a toll.

You have been in the relationship for 2 years, which is already a long time for him to get to know you. If you have recently become depressed and there has been a drastic change in your personality towards him, i could understand he might be confused as to how you really feel.

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If your depression is manifested by episodes of anger or fits in which you might disrespect or undermine what your boyfriend does, then I could see how he could get those thoughts. Don’t destroy your relationship with someone who might be unaware of the gravity and kind of depression you suffer from.

If he’s worth it, seek medical help, find a good psychiatrist and work with him to understand what the root of your depression is, so he knows it is not about him whenever you take it out.

taytodd8 −  My fiance and I went through this and still go through this from time to time. All I can say is it takes time. You’re trying to teach him to understand something that you hardly understand yourself. With each passing day try to give him feedback on what works.

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If he went five minutes without making you feel guilty tell him that and how he did it. We need to feel like we’re helping even if we aren’t doing anything. You have to really talk and communicate.

When you’re in the mood take some time with him to self reflect on a situation and give him positive feedback feedback first. Don’t give up, trust me. You’re going in the right direction because you’ve found someone who wants to help you with this, even if he doesn’t quite understand how yet.

[Reddit User] −  Don’t punish your boyfriend for caring about you.

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1tounderstandit −  Does it feel like he’s objectifying you? Flippantly dismissing you and your problems and in turn making it about how it affects him? I have experience with a parental figure doing this to me. It makes me feel invalid and invisible.

They are trying to break down what you’re going through into a few pithy cliches. That feeling is infuriating. He likely lacks empathy. And doesn’t wish to connect with you in a deep and meaningful way. This would be a dealbreaker.

How do you think the boyfriend should approach supporting his partner through her depression? Do you believe it’s reasonable for the user to expect space and understanding, or should he take more initiative in trying to help her feel better? Share your thoughts below!

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