AITA for refusing to help my brother?

A Reddit user (33F) shares her dilemma about refusing to help her older brother (41M), who is struggling after his girlfriend (49F) cheated on him and left him alone during the holidays. This isn’t the first time he has been in such a situation, and past attempts to support him took a heavy toll on her mental health. Now, he’s asking her to buy him a ticket to join the family for Christmas abroad, but she’s hesitant, fearing a repeat of the emotional and financial burden from two years ago.

‘ AITA for refusing to help my brother?’

My (33f) brother (41m) is having issues with his girlfriend (49f). She has been cheating on him and has left him on his own during the holidays to be with her lover. Despite this he refuses to beak it off with her and has been an absolute mess. Now, I do feel bad for him but this is not the first time this has happened. Two years ago she pulled the same stunt and I did try to help him

She kicked him out of HIS apartment and he stayed with me for months while desperately trying to get together with her and doing nothing to sort out his situation. In the meantime he spent his time crying on the couch, begging me to talk to her, get black out drunk and acting absolutely erratic. At one point he even left my house in the middle of the night drunk in just his socks and I found him in the hospital.

I tried to get him therapy and to go to a psychiatrist but he has refused all my efforts. I know he was struggling but the experience was absolutely harrowing for me. So much so that I’m on antidepressants two years later. This year my mom and I decided to spend Christmas abroad with my sister and now he’s begging me to buy him a ticket so he can be here with us.

I told him that he’s a 40 year old man and can get his own ticket and honestly I’m dreading him coming because I can see a replay of two years ago. I love him but I just can’t do it anymore… AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

sugarbaby_hailey −  NTA. dude’s a grown man who keeps making the same mess and not improving for himself, it’s not on you to keep cleaning it up, especially when it wrecked your mental health last time. he needs to face his own stuff.

britthood −  NTA. I’ve learned over the years that as much as you’d like to help a loved one in need, you can’t until they are READY for help. Being an emotional crutch for him (when he isn’t ready for actual help with the situation) will just drain you. You’ve gotta prioritize your well-being and mental health.

missvanderflag −  NTA. You are a good sister. You were there for him, listened, helped him with housing but, if he doesn’t want to face reality and accept your help, there’s not much you can do, no matter how much you want him to heal and find peace. I can understand you feel bad for him, but you have to think about yourself. It’s not selfish.

Your mental health declined because of what happened and he’s a 41 year old adult that is not diagnosed with a a health issue that requires legal guardianship. All you can do is talk to a professional and see what options you have, maybe stage an intervention with your family.

I know interventions may backfire but his problems are going on for years now, and unless he wants to face them and find a solution, your power is completely limited. You can only help people when they want to be helped and it doesn’t seem that there’s the case here. Take care of yourself!

Perm-Ban-Evader −  Ur brother needs a set of balls and a spine.

HorseygirlWH −  He needs to decide to get help on his own, you can’t be his emotional support human. Tell him to not spend money on a ticket but instead on his mental health. You’re NTA.

The_Legend_Of_Ganon −  NTA at all, his girlfriend is definitely a**sive, and he’s dragging you into all of it.

CrazyOldBag −  “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Have this printed on a t-shirt, a fridge magnet, a sticker for the dashboard of his car, and a pair of plaques suitable to be hung on the wall (one for work/one for home). Hand them to him, wish him happy holidays, and enjoy your trip. Bro is a grown-ass man who needs to learn to handle his own grown-ass problems.

Unlikely_Ad2116 −  NTA. Like my Granddad said, “You can’t free a fish from water.” You can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves. Any effort you make will further damage your own mental health, and do your brother no good whatsoever. Also, you have never refused to help your brother. You keep throwing him lifelines, and he keeps batting them away.

We went through this same crap with my maternal aunt and her a**sive, criminal, lazy, addicted, ne’er-do-well first husband. No matter how hard we tried to get her help, all we got in return was “But, I love him!” Mercifully, he earned himself a long stretch in State prison, during which we got her to divorce him.

Comfortable-Skin8757 −  NTA, the thing ur saying clearly shows that they should have broken up, as she kicked him out of HIS apartment, shouldn’t there be legal action? Ontop of which, hes loving a lost case.

LadyHavoc97 −  NTA, but I do have to check on you here. Does he have a key to your place? Do you have cameras up or a doorbell with a camera that will send you a notification? If he can get drunk enough to walk out with just his socks, he can get drunk enough to come vandalize your house. I’ve been around drunks with a temper and a grudge, and it’s not pretty.