I (30M) was planning to propose to my girlfriend (25F) this week but her father passed away over the weekend. I don’t know how to help

A Reddit user (30M) shares that he had planned to propose to his girlfriend (25F) this week during a mountain trip, but tragically, her father passed away unexpectedly over the weekend. The couple was close, and he had even asked for the father’s blessing earlier in the year.

Now, amidst the grief, his girlfriend has expressed anger and frustration that he hasn’t proposed yet, feeling hurt that her father will never witness the moment. The user is unsure how to proceed, feeling torn between honoring her grief and his plans. Read the original story below.

‘ I (30M) was planning to propose to my girlfriend (25F) this week but her father passed away over the weekend. I don’t know how to help’

So I have been with my girlfriend for about three years now. We started seriously talking about marriage in June, and I told her I would like to propose by year end. The more we talked to more we wanted an October wedding and decided on the 19th of next year.

She said that she wanted at least a year to plan, so engagement would have to be by then. She has dropped hints over the last few months (not so subtly) about waiting for the ring so she could start planning.

We had a trip to the mountains planned for this weekend and I figured since the 19th is a Friday and the day we plan to leave that it’d be the optimal time to propose. So even though I knew she was getting a little impatient I figured the timing would be perfect and we could celebrate all weekend.

On Friday night we got some devastating news. Her father had a heart attack and we rushed to the hospital. He was alive when we got there but did not make it through the night. My girlfriend is heartbroken, no one saw this coming. I am also extremely upset, as him and I had gotten pretty close over the last few years.

I also was very upset because I had asked him at the end of august for his blessing and explained to him by whole plan. He was so excited for this and even mentioned it to me several times when we were at their house for supper last week.

Saturday was kind of blur, and Sunday we started to help her mother and brother make funeral arrangements. She was grieving but we were getting through it together, until last night. Last night she flipped on me, she told me that i’m a monster for not proposing by now and that her dad will never see her ring or here the story.

I think deep down she upset that he will not be there for the wedding, we all are, but I couldn’t of forseen this or I would have proposed months ago. I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to show her the ring and tell her that I discussed it with him prior and that we have his blessing.

I just feel like everything is messed up now and I don’t know what to do. Our mountains weekend is definitely off (obvi) and I was planning to wait to propose until things are stable again, but she is so upset with me.

I don’t even know how to approach it. She slept on the couch last night and I just want to hug her and tell her there’s nothing I want more than her to be my wife and her dad to still be here, but I cant. She doesn’t want me close to her.. What can I do?

See what others had to share with OP:

TheRecklessOne −  I think sitting her down and telling her something like “I had been speaking with your father about a plan for this weekend. I was going to propose whilst we were in the mountains and he loved the idea. He knew the whole plan.

He even told your mum. I know this is not the perfect time for a proposal, so would you like to see the ring, or shall we wait a little longer?” would work best. Don’t go from “WHY HAVEN’T YOU PROPOSED YET!” to “BAM, HERE’S A RING!”.

The most important part is that there was a plan and her dad knew about it. Leave it up to her wether she sees the ring and everything now, or wether you postpone to still have a big proposal.

jolie178923-15423435 −  Yes, at this point PLEASE show her the ring, tell her you were planning to propose during this trip, and tell her about how you talked to her dad about this in August, etc. – *especially* that.

Are her parents together, would her dad have told her mom about this? in case you need corroboration that you actually did talk to her dad. And please try not to be too upset with her.

kaitou1011 −  She’s grieving: the hurtful things weren’t meant for you, and once she’s through the “anger” stage, she’ll see that. She doesn’t really think you could have known her dad was going to die to propose before it,

she’s just realizing that she’s going to miss doing all those wedding things with her dad and she’s getting mad at you about it because you’re there and you’re something tangible when it’s really just bad luck, the universe, and nobody is at fault but she’s mad and she’s directing it unfairly at you. That happens when people grieve.

Personally, I think you should sit down with her after the funeral and have a calm (as much as possible) talk about this. Tell her you want to know if she wants to stick to the current wedding schedule and have a proposal you were already planning in the middle of all this or if she’d rather you wait.

Let her tell you whether she wants the proposal now or later, let it be her decision. And during that conversation, no matter what she decides about timing, tell her you’ve already got the ring and that you asked her dad’s permission weeks ago and showed it to him then.

Tell her that you’ll put it on her finger right this moment if she wants it (have it in your pocket if that’s what she chooses), but tell her that you were planning something special and if she wants to move the wedding schedule anyways you can still give her a big formal proposal after she feels better.

Something I’d suggest keeping on the downlow is how you planned to propose because I think in her place I’d be sad that my dad did know a proposal story but not the one that I’ll actually have… if you can reschedule the mountain weekend after things calm down and stick to your original plan,

if she chooses to wait and have a big formal proposal, then it can be a nice thing to tell her afterwards that you stuck to the original plan you had because you’d talked through that plan with her dad.

theyear1200 −  Part of me wants to show her the ring and tell her that I discussed it with him prior and that we have his blessing.
Yes. Do this. Tell her all of this and tell her that you will officially propose when the grief has faded. It will definitely help her feel better about the situation.

dreamqueen9103 −  When my dad died, my then-boyfriend (now husband) and I had a deal. I could hug him, anytime, any place, for as long as I needed to. Even though this could have been left unsaid,

it was still nice to have it said out loud, and know without a question that he’d always be next to me with open arms. This doesn’t fix your current problem, but I’m just saying.

[Reddit User] −  (20F) I think that you should keep telling her you’re there for her and show her your support. Let her have her time alone right now and don’t rush anything. BUT if she continues to be angry with you specifically about this and doesn’t let go of it I think you should tell her about the plans and the blessing.

In that way you can first wait and see if she comes around (it’s only been a day!) and then tell her about all of this when you decide it’s a good time to propose. But you’re one of the closest people to her so it’s unnecessary if you can’t be close to her during this terrible time because of something that isn’t even true.

I believe though, that she is just generally (obviously) heart broken and experiences a lot of feelings about everything, one of them being you not proposing “in time”, and that yesterday that was just what she happened to put all her feelings into.

And even if things seem incredibly badly timed… you got his blessing before he passed. That is beautiful. In the long-run it’s going to be ok, even if right now it isn’t. It never is when this kind of things happen.. Best of luck!

Coconutcustard4598 −  I think you should give her space, I also think you should not try to have a conversation with her right now about this. I think you should write her a thoughtful letter, letting her know your plan, and that her dad had approved of the plan and gave his blessing.

If you have the receipt for the ring I would include that with the letter (perhaps if you think she won’t believe you bought it and planned it before). Grief makes us crazy and it causes us to focus on unimportant things as distractions, like her father not seeing a ring, which in the grand scheme of things makes no difference.

I think the letter will explain to her that you love her you hear her, and you are there for her. OBVIOUSLY don’t propose to her right now, or on any major holiday coming up as it will be a sad time as a first with out my dad. But don’t delay too much. I would say wait a month or two at the most.

ArtoriasGhoul −  She is very sad about her fathers d**th and is for the most part going to have to learn to deal with this grief alone. Shes going to want some alone time now and then

and you should continue mentioning that your always there for her and wait with the proposal until things get stable again. If she is still broken after a few days consider telling her about her fathers consent.

[Reddit User] −  Just be there for her. She’ll be there later. But right now she probably needs you for that so much more

adotfree −  I’m really sorry to hear about her loss (and yours, because you sound like you were fond of your future FIL). I think jolie and reckless had good suggestions for what to do re: proposal, and I hope you two can work through this grief and give us a happier update sometime <3

Do you think the user should go ahead and propose as a way to honor her father’s memory, or should he wait until things have calmed down? How would you support a partner going through grief while trying to hold on to your own plans? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/yWCKt