I [21/M] have been looking for my sister [18/F] since 2014. I found a way to contact her last night, but I’m not sure how to do it.

A person has been estranged from their mother and sister for years due to emotional abuse and manipulation by their mother. After a heartbreaking experience with their mom’s callousness during a difficult time in their life, they’ve been cut off from both their mother and sister.

Despite this, they’ve been trying to reach out to their sister, who has been isolated by their mother. Now, they’re considering contacting their sister through a new account to let her know her family still loves her, but they’re unsure about the emotional risks and potential rejection.

‘ I [21/M] have been looking for my sister [18/F] since 2014. I found a way to contact her last night, but I’m not sure how to do it.’

My parents’ divorce in August of 2014 was one of the worst I’ve ever witnessed. It dragged on for nearly two years, causing so much pain and turmoil. My mom took half of my dad’s savings, half of his pension (he had just retired after a long career in the army and police),

half of the house—on which she never contributed to the mortgage—and even tried to claim half of the compensation my dad was awarded after a serious car accident. This long and messy divorce nearly bankrupted him, and we were at the brink of homelessness for a while.

My dad fell into a deep depression, and, unfortunately, that dragged me down too. It was an incredibly difficult time for both of us. During this chaos, my mom moved to Surrey, around 200 miles away, to live with the man she had been cheating on my dad with.

My 14-year-old sister went with her, but I stayed with my dad because I had just started a software development apprenticeship. I visited them once, and it was there that I overheard my stepfather speaking badly about my dad, calling him worthless and a “not a real man.”

My mom was laughing along with him. It crushed me to hear it. When I got back home, I confronted my mom about what I had heard, but instead of listening, she blocked me and immediately cut me off from talking to her or my sister.

Despite the rejection, I continued to try and reach out to my sister, letting her know that I loved her and that I would always be there for her. But soon, even she blocked me. Later, I received a text from her, which was clearly written by my mom, accusing me of mistreating them.

It was a carbon copy of the message my dad had also received, and that’s when I realized just how deep my mom’s manipulation went. After several heart-wrenching conversations with my dad, I discovered how emotionally abusive my mom had been throughout my childhood.

I also learned that, when I had tried to take my own life, she had casually written in a letter to a family member that I “should’ve tried harder.” That was the final straw. I made the decision to cut all ties with her for good. I couldn’t have her in my life anymore.

For years, my dad was financially drained by the divorce, leaving him unable to fight for custody of my sister. We lost touch with her completely. For four years, I had no idea where she was, if she was okay, or even if she was alive. Then, yesterday, my girlfriend found my sister’s new Facebook profile.

It was created fairly recently, and I could only see one profile picture, with maximum privacy settings. I was blocked, but I have a strong feeling that my mom is behind it. It’s possible that my sister really doesn’t want anything to do with me, but knowing how manipulative my mom is, I can’t help but feel like it might be my mom blocking me, not my sister.

I’ve spent a long time wondering if my sister is okay and whether she ever thinks about us. I’m considering reaching out to her, but I’m terrified of making things worse. My mom has isolated her from everyone, including our entire side of the family.

I’d like to send her a message, just to remind her that we still love her, and that we’ve never forgotten her. I want her to know that her family, especially her grandparents, still think of her every day, and that they would be overjoyed to hear from her.

But I also fear that my mom could intercept the message and cause even more harm. I’m considering creating a new Facebook account to contact her, but I know that could lead to even more complications. My mom is extremely controlling, and I’m sure her account is monitored closely.

I’m afraid that my message could make things worse for my sister and my dad. I also don’t want to risk emotional rejection, as I haven’t heard from my sister in years. However, I feel like I’ve waited long enough, and this could be my last chance to let her know that I love her and that she’s not forgotten.

I think I’ll wait until October, around the time my sister may start university, to send the message. I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready for her to tell me to “go away” or for my mom to cause more chaos. But I want to believe that my sister hasn’t become completely like my mom.

I want to believe there’s still hope for us to reconnect, but I’m torn between taking action or letting it go and moving on. I’ve spent years searching for her, and now that I’ve found her, I just don’t know what the best course of action is. What should I do from here? Should I reach out to her, or should I leave it alone and try to accept the loss?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

CannibalBun −  Even if it’s just to let her know that her Nan thinks about her everyday, and she could die happy after just one phone call from her. Dont do this. It comes off as very m**ipulative and will likely send her running back away from you if you try something like this.

*If* youre going to contact her, just tell her that you love her, miss her, and hope she is doing well. *If* she responds, try to go about a normal conversation; ask about school, future goals, friends, etc.

Leave your dad and mom out of the conversation. Be prepared to be blocked as if she tells your mom about this, she is likely going to feel youve hunted her down to ‘corrupt’ her.

fand0me −  How sure are you that she hasn’t been jaded by your mom after the past 4 years? I feel like she would have tried to talk to you. I would send the tiniest message just saying that you still care and now that she is an adult you were wondering if you can talk. I wouldn’t go much passed that. Let her decide.

liadin88 −  This sounds really rough and I’m sure you’re chomping at the bit to talk to her again. But your sister is an adult now and about to go to university. Once she moves out, she’ll be able to have contact with anyone she wants (for that matter she could go behind your mom’s back now if she wanted to).

Creating a fake FB profile to get in touch when she has you blocked doesn’t seem like a great idea. Make yourself easy to find and hopefully she’ll reach out. If she doesn’t, tread carefully. I would recommend not contacting her in her first month at school – she’ll have so much going on in her life and emotionally already at that point.

[Reddit User] −  I think you should never stop trying to show your sister that you love and miss her. how you do that, idk. but don’t give up on her.

[Reddit User] −  You obviously need closure. You should get it whether it’s good or not. Besides what do you have to lose? At worst you get told off by your sister ( or your mom) and “lose” a relationship that has already ended. OR. You possibly reconnect again and become a family once more.

[Reddit User] −  Since it’s been 4 years I’m betting that your mother’s guard has dropped and that the message will get through to your sister. But your mother will eventually find out and dig her nails back in, so be prepared for that.

Your sister loves you and would probably love to hear from you. If things go sour, you can rest easy knowing that you tried. But if you do nothing, you’ll always wonder.

PinkLittleOwl −  Just do it. I’m sure she’ll probably miss you too when she’s out of the mom’s clutches. If not, at least you have closure.

sweadle −  I’d open the door to her, and ask (and expect) nothing back. “Hey sis, I just wanted to say I love you and I hope college is going great. I’m here, if you ever want to talk more.”

There is NOTHING about that that your mom could twist to say you are being m**ipulative or trying to get her to go against your mom. Assume everything you write, your mom will see.

Dawn_of_Eos −  r/raisedbynarcissists can also be of help with how to deal with your mother, and/or help heal yourself.