Both our parents [50s] have abandoned my [21M] sister [11F]. How do I give her peace of mind that I won’t abandon her?

A Redditor shared the heartbreaking story of how their parents abandoned them and their younger sister, transferring custody to the user when they turned 18. While they’ve taken on the role of a loving and supportive guardian.

Their sister struggles with deep-seated fears of abandonment. The user seeks advice on how to reassure their sister that they won’t leave her and help her feel safe and secure. Read the full story below.

‘ Both our parents [50s] have abandoned my [21M] sister [11F]. How do I give her peace of mind that I won’t abandon her?’

Our parents divorced 5 years ago and after that we were basically passed around between them as neither of them were keen to have us around, especially since they both remarried soon and had their new families and new step kids to worry about.

When I became 18 (my sister was 8), they told me that I need to take care of her by myself now (in reality I always had taken care of her since they never spent time with her). It was clear that they didn’t want to be involved anymore. They transferred her full custody to me and gave us money every month so we wouldn’t bother them.

So that’s how it’s been for the past three years. I live with my sister and I’m doing my best to make sure she has a stable home, gets enough attention, feels loved and is growing up well and has everything she needs. Unlike them I don’t see her as a burden and I really love her and want the best for her.

In these past three years our parents haven’t made any real efforts to even bother checking up on her. The plan was that I collect checks from them every month but that’s the end of their involvement in our lives.

In the first few months I used to take her with me when I collected the checks but they both were so indifferent and unfriendly towards us that it always made her sad. The last time I took her with me it was right before her birthday and I was planning a small party for her with her friends and she was very excited,

she asked our mom to come and received a no answer, she didn’t even bother getting her a gift, she only wrote an extra $100 dollar on the check and told me to get a gift for her on her behalf. My sister started crying as soon as we left.

The next day the same thing happened when we went to my father’s place and he didn’t even say that, he just declined to come. I was angry at them and that was the last time my sister came to see them. That was the last time she saw them. They never come around to see her.

I only see them when I go to get the checks and they don’t even invite me in anymore. They have it ready when I arrive and they just hand it over and goodbye. My sister has been dealing with a**ndonment issues as a result.

She (rightly) feels that our parents traded her for their new partners and kids and she is afraid that the same thing might happen to her with me. That I might go off with some other people and leave her alone. I always reassure her that this will never happen and I’m always there for her,

that we will live together until she completely grows up and I’m gonna take care of her but I don’t think this has completely taken away her fears. What should I do now to help her? I want her to feel safe and loved and stable without any fear of losing me.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Lucynj1990 −  Kudos for you for being an amazing big brother. I would make sure that she knows that you are there for her 100% and that you are never going anywhere. Cut off contact with your parents except for the monthly checks. Maybe get her into therapy, there may be some issues that you cannot resolve.

moonlightracer −  The only way is to just continue being an awesome brother. Maybe consider seeing a family therapist together?
On a completely unrelated note, are the payments court ordered?

If not, you should consider seeking legal advice to make sure you’re getting the most amount. Also, maybe stop physically seeing them and figure out a different way to get the money.

moderatorabused −  Tell them the amount on the checks is no longer enough. Tell them she needs therapy due to their emotional distance and to add an additional $800 per month.

Otherwise you’ll take them to court for child support and get 20% of their total income. Unless they’re already giving you more than that? I don’t know. They can go to jail in most places for not paying.

Klhep −  My heart breaks for your sister. I’m sorry. Keep reassuring her. Maybe a piece of jewelry that breaks in half that each if you keeps would symbolically mean something to her. Poor girl needs therapy. My ex abandoned us.

My girls received a couple years of therapy. What helped her the most was hearing from another adult that their dad was flat out wrong. No reasons, no excuse, just wrong. And that is OK(and healthy) to he angry at that.

MAXIMUM_FARTING −  Congratulations on being raised by monsters and not becoming one yourself! I suggest therapy for your sister. Poor kid.

[Reddit User] −  Well in addition to the suggesting therapy, I would suggest doing more things with her, try not to simply buy her stuff- it kind of subtly gives a message that says “money means everything and that it’s a way to make things better, don’t bother me”. (sound familiar?)

So maybe make one night a week something special for dinner and make it fun. Do you have a social life that can include her? Try to include her anyway even if she doesn’t want to go (parents usually do this more for sharing experiences rather than obligation and responsibility.)

Try to get her to find her own hobbies and interests like if she wants to try out sports, music, etc. and make efforts to be involved as much as you can in those like attending her games or watching a show or museum that she likes.

Pola_Xray −  well, this is the saddest thing I’ve read so far today. I am so sorry that your parents are worthless but I’m so glad your sister has you. I would try to get her into therapy.

also, are you both getting enough money from your parents? I would consider talking to a lawyer to make sure you’re getting as much money as possible so you can save for her college (and yours!).

Aphophysi −  You are an awesome person and an awesome brother! You need to see a lawyer to get the maximum amount of money for your sister that you can. Not just for her daily living expenses, but maybe even some to put away in savings for college.

I don’t know how much money your parents are giving you – whether it’s more or less than what you’d get from child support, but check with a lawyer about that. Your situation is such that if you ask around, you may be able to find one who will take your case pro bono. (If you’re in Central Texas, PM me and I can send you a few who might help).

Try looking at court appointed CPS attorneys who do private cases as well. If you just google family law, you’re going to find a ton who specialize in divorce. They rarely have done cases where the child in the case is their primary concern,

typically they’re hired by the parent so their experience tends to be parent vs parent when it comes to custody. Court appointed CPS attorneys frequently represent the child in custody cases because they’re often assigned to cases as Guardian Ad Litem,

so they’re familiar with fighting to get the child as much as they can in the way of money, a safe home, and government services.
An attorney can help you with a few things. First they’ll make sure you’re getting the maximum money that you can for your sister.

Secondly, talk to them about various legal things that you can do to cement your guardianship of your sister. I’m not sure whether your parents did anything legal when they transferred custody of your sister to you – like did they sign away parental rights to you, or is this just verbal?

Your sister needs to go to therapy. Your parents need to be giving you more money so that she can afford to go. If you go to an attorney, they may be able to either force them to pay for that or get social service therapy. An attorney may also help you with cementing guardianship of your sister as well.

You probably don’t want to officially adopt her because that usually cuts off the child support, but you want to make sure that if something happens, you have full control of any medical decisions.

You also want to make sure that if anything happens to you, that she’s taken care of (life insurance goes to her, parents can’t contest that). There are tons of other details that an attorney will be able to help you with.

There’s not much other than therapy, continual reinforcement that you love her, and just doing what you’re doing that you can do for your sister. Your parents hurt her badly with their behavior. As much as you want to, you can’t take away her hurt, so all you can do is continue helping her to get past it.

🙁 I’m so sorry that your parents did this to you guys. I am so sad for you both. I’m also happy that you have each other though, and I’m so happy for your sister that she has you – you sound like you’re amazing and you’re worth more than both your parents put together. They are the worst!

slowlauris −  you are her family and she is lucky to have you. continue to show her and tell her that you aren’t going anywhere. it sounds like she may benefit from therapy for her fears and anger, I would look into someone who specializes in children a**ndonment issues or adoption and foster care issues.

what your parents did and are doing to both of you is horrible, and I commend you for raising your sister. please continue the great work and remember to take care of yourself as well.

[Reddit User] −  I’m confused – why aren’t your parents being arrested for child a**ndonment? Last I checked you can’t simply pawn your kid off on another adult, even a related one.

This story highlights the impact of parental neglect and the strength of sibling bonds. How would you help someone overcome deep fears of abandonment? What advice would you offer to this dedicated older brother? Share your thoughts below!