UPDATE: My(25) BF(28) won’t ask for my hand in marriage so my Dad(51) is staging a family boycott of my wedding. Is my BF being disconsiderate?

A woman shares how her father staged a boycott of her wedding after her boyfriend (now husband) refused to ask for her hand in marriage. Since then, the estranged family has continued to push boundaries, especially after she announced her pregnancy. She has firmly decided to keep them out of her life for the sake of peace and her growing family. Read the full story of her family’s continued manipulations and her strong stance on keeping them away from her daughter.

‘ UPDATE: My(25) BF(28) won’t ask for my hand in marriage so my Dad(51) is staging a family boycott of my wedding. Is my BF being disconsiderate?’

The wedding went on as planned. My parents stuck to their guns and boycotted. One of my two sisters attended and is now happily blacklisted from our family. Nobody else from my entire family showed up including my two brothers.

The wedding was a little unconventional. My sister walked my husband down the aisle and then his sister walked me down the aisle. I wanted this because my SIL actually introduced us and helped me get my first date with him. There was no questioned about who gives away the bride or even about objections. It was normal other than that.

There has been no contact between me and my family, other than my one sister. My mother has made it a point to send me a card every time that they have a family gathering for holidays or birthdays at their house to let me know that my father says I’m not invited. I get one almost every month.

I don’t even read them anymore I just toss them. I don’t why they keep sending them because I’ve made no effort to contact them and I live over three hours away so it’s not like I will run into them by accident.

The reason I came back to post this here is because some people here made a prediction that came true (that they would come crawling back when we had children). I am now expecting our first child, a girl :). She will be the first grandchild for my parents.

My parents found out about the pregnancy a few months ago through a family friend. They didn’t waste anytime in making demands, not requests, demands. My boyfriend and I are not religious but I had a Catholic upbringing. I don’t practice at all by choice.

My mother called me back in April telling me that my father wanted our daughter’s middle name to be his mother’s first name. I said no. My father was listening in on speaker so I went ahead and told them that they were officially uninvited from all birthdays, graduations, and any other important dates in her life.

My father called me half an hour later crying and begging me to come stay with them for the birth so my mother could care for me. I said no. He also said that he had already made arrangements for his priest could baptize her at his church but that I needed to agree to naming her after his mother if I wanted this to happen.

He said he’d already planned a big celebration for the birth and the baptism that he was paying for. I said no to all of it. He went from meekly trying to sweet talk me to raising his voice at me and I hung up.

He called a couple of more times to apologize for losing his temper and again beg me to reconsider giving birth at a hospital near them so they could visit us. He denied having any knowledge of my mother sending me cards to uninvite us to any family functions and even said that he specifically asked her to invite us but he was told I declined every time.

He lets my mom do the dirty work so he can later hide behind her and deny he had any knowledge. He’s done this since I was a little girl. He does this every time he wants to drop the hammer on somebody but be the good cop also. He’ll never change. He denied having any knowledge of why anybody in the family missed my wedding.

I told him our daughter would not be baptized, or catholic at all (no offense to Catholics). I told him he was too m**ipulative and controlling and I didn’t want my daughter exposed to that. He’s too toxic and just venomous.

Coincidentally, the day and for several days after that phone call I got tons of calls and emails from my brothers, their wives, my sister, and all my aunts. They all wanted to apologize for missing my wedding, and all had specific excuses, and wanted to make plans to be there for my daughter’s birth. I banned them all from her life until she’s old enough to decide for herself to let them in.

My husband was a little surprised and not sure about banning everybody forever. He’s more leaning towards supervised visits if they want to drive to us. My dad has been calling him like crazy but we are a united front. My husband is deferring to me but giving me ideas as to how I can give a little if I decide to.

But with my family there’s no giving a little. They want it all. For now, they’re all banned. I will reconsider when the youngest of our children turns 18 :). For now my dad will have to settle for sucking up to my husband while I stick to my guns. Unlike him, I don’t mind owning my decisions even if it means I’m bad cop. I’m not ready to give up a relatively drama free, stress free life to allow my dad and all his sheep back into our lives.

**tl;dr**: Nobody in my family showed up to our wedding other than one of my sisters. Everyone is banned from our lives.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

bananafor −  Wow your parents have a lot of nerve! They want you to give birth at a hospital convenient to them! They think you’d trust them to look after you. My mother has made it a point to send me a card every time that they have a family gathering for holidays or birthdays at their house to let me know that my father says I’m not invited. I get one almost every month. This is frankly amazing that she’d go to that effort.

my2catsaregreat −  Is there anything more satisfying than reading about assholes having to deal with the consequences of their actions? I don’t think there is. Good on you, OP, for setting your boundaries and sticking to them. Keep building an awesome life for you, your husband, your daughter, and your chosen family. Don’t waste another thought on those jerks.

castlite −  He’s more leaning towards supervised visits. NOOOOOO. People who haven’t endured incredibly a**sive families just don’t get it, and they never will. It’s a nice thought, but reality doesn’t work like that. You open that door a crack, and all manner of poison seeps through. Cut contact entirely, and live a happy life.

EarlGreyhair −  See if you can block all their numbers. Send any letters back unopened. Be prepared, because it’s likely they will up the ante in their efforts as you get closer to your due date. They might try and force a visit on you in hospital if they can figure out roughly when and where you’ll give birth. They’ll likely come to your house when the baby is born.

NekoNina −  You are a total badass, OP. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this kind of thing with your family. I’m also glad and impressed that in under three years you’ve been able to recognize how terribly toxic many of your immediate family members are, draw up reasonable boundaries, and stick to them even over time.

My spouse had to go through a similar process and it was really tough on him. So here’s an internet hug of solidarity for you if you want it. 🙂 Best wishes for you, your spouse, and your growing family!

gimmemyfuckingcoffee −  Your father is a control freak. Continue the no-contact. Your marriage and family will be so much better off without his interference.

rubiscoisrad −  Wow…that is *quite* the update. (Congratulations on your marriage and pregnancy, btw!) I think you’re doing the right thing. Given that you understand how your parents operate, and can thus infer what’s going on behind the scenes, I say continue with your current game plan.

Your parents know *exactly* how this all came to be. I’d take the liberty of explaining it to your other relatives if it comes up – although their autonomy seems to be at your father’s disposal. :/ Also, you might enjoy the subreddit /r/justnofamily. Best of luck!

iworkhard77777777777 −  But with my family there’s no giving a little. You’ve got it, sister. Also, you think you’re strong now? Wait until your baby is here and see how you react to b**lshit.

Inevitablename −  This is the very best kind of update. It also took YEARS. Congratulations, OP. May you and your husband always communicate and defend the other this beautifully. You sound like you’ll be a great mom.

[Reddit User] −  Just remember when you give birth to notify the hospital that these family members are banned from visiting you. I guarantee you that they will try and find out where you’re giving birth, and ruin your first moments with your child. It’s better to just think ahead and let hospital security deal with their narcissistic drama.

It’s clear that family dynamics can be fraught with challenges, but setting firm boundaries is sometimes necessary for self-preservation. What do you think about the woman’s decision to keep her family away from her life and her baby’s future? Should there be room for reconciliation, or is a permanent break the best option? Share your thoughts in the comments below.