I [27M] want to marry my gf [25F] of 4 years but I’m not sure if I’m ignoring red flags

A Redditor shared his deep love and admiration for his girlfriend of four years but expressed concerns over potential red flags in their relationship. From differing views on household habits and finances to varying philosophies about raising children, he wonders if these issues might cause friction in the future. Read his heartfelt reflection below.

‘ I [27M] want to marry my gf [25F] of 4 years but I’m not sure if I’m ignoring red flags’

Before I start ranting, I want to highlight just how much I love my amazing gf Tara. She’s smart, hard working, caring, thoughtful, incredibly loyal, great with kids (sometimes I think she might be a kids whisperer as she can calm down pretty much any nibbling).

Overall I’ve never been as happy as I am when I’m with her and I can’t imagine a life without her. It’s not just me who loves her, my family adores her too. My grandmother passed away few months ago and recently my grandfather pulled me aside and handed me her ring.

He said they both really wanted the ring to go to Tara and handed it to me. I’ve been thinking about it and well I think I want to propose to her sooner than later.. Now on to the rant. Tara is very traditional. So she doesn’t believe in “living together” before marriage.

She stays over at my place a few nights a week as a compromise but she won’t move in permanently. To top it off she’s really messy. The only clean place in her house is the kitchen and she keeps it very clean because she likes to cook. Tara’s in training to be a surgeon atm so she’s always busy with some sort of study,

she has books and papers all over the house including her bed (I’ve never seen that bed empty!). When she does the laundry she doesn’t bother folding anything and just chucks everything into the closet so when she needs something she will basically pull out the pile of everything and make a mess.

I’m not sure what living with her would be like. And although she loves cooking, she hates cleaning. Second issue I have is with her view towards life and finances. Now she’s from a country that doesn’t normally educate females because they think males will later on look after their family where as females will get married and forget about their family.

Her father didn’t believe this and instead of marrying her off at a young age he pushed her to study. But because of this she feels like she owes everything to her family. She made it clear from the beginning that she will always be helping out her family, especially her younger siblings if they ever need it.

The problem I have with it is, she’s incredibly frugal when it comes to herself and lives very minimally however she will give out the money she worked hard to save to anyone who needs it very easily.

Her uncle had an accident few years back and they were struggling (they live overseas where there isnt much help from any other sources) and she basically bought a house for 20 grand for them plus paid of their debt. When I asked her she said “well I know I’ll always have a house there when I visit,

and I’d rather not have that extra cash around if it means they’re going to be homeless”. We talked about children and we both want it. I want to give my kids the best I can of everything and I want her to want that and to work towards that but when I questioned her on this her response was

“There is nothing I want more than to give our kids the best as well, but I don’t want to teach them that they’re entitled to an iPhone, a tablet, a laptop and other random expensive things when their cousin is struggling to find a slice of bread.

I want to teach our children the value of things and for them to be human and to care about things other than themselves. I want them to appreciate little things and be grateful for more meaningful things in life “. She then used her siblings as examples.

Now since I want this post to be unbiased, she’s right her siblings are very well behaved and it often amazes me how thoughtful they are. My sister has children their age (10-12) and if she doesn’t get them what they want, there will be tantrums and other massive fights.

They can’t share anything with each other let alone with others. Where as I’ve seen Tara ask for items (they no longer used) from her siblings to give away to charity and these kids basically brought bags of their toys to give. When I asked the youngest wasn’t she playing with a certain toy anymore,

she said “it’s okay I have plenty of others to play with, they need it more”. I know they mean well and in theory it all sounds great but I’m scared these things will be a problem in the future because we have different views on things. Am I ignoring red flags because I’m in love with her so much or are these things that we can work on?.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  These don’t seem like red flags to me. She seems like a genuinely good person, and as long as she takes care of her basic needs before giving her money away, I see no problem with what she’s doing. Things like messiness can be worked through (I’m the messy one in my relationship, and I have made a lot of progress for my partner).

sagittamusic −  There is nothing I want more than to give our kids the best as well, but I don’t want to teach them that they’re entitled to an iPhone, a tablet, a laptop and other random expensive things when their cousin is struggling to find a slice of bread.

I want to teach our children the value of things and for them to be human and to care about things other than themselves. I want them to appreciate little things and be grateful for more meaningful things. Can you expand on why this is a bad thing?

riversilver −  ‘She wants our children to be good people, I want to spoil them and turn them into selfish brats. Is this a red flag?’
Yeah dude it’s a red flag… for her.

As for the finances, why not have joint and personal accounts? You can agree to an amount that you both transfer to the joint account each month, as well as any savings/retirement accounts, and then anything left in her personal account she can give to her family when she wants.

And for the messiness, just talk to her. Create a chore chart. Honestly, she sounds like a great person. You don’t come off quite so well 😛

emk −  Your girlfriend reminds me a story I heard from an anthropology professor. He was working in a rural, traditional village outside a city, and he hired a local teenager to help him out. Every time the professor paid the local teenager, the kid would travel into the city, spend all his money on clothes and tools,

and then give everything away to other people in his village. The anthropology professor tried to explain to the kid, “You should open a savings account, and save some of your money for your future.”

But then the professor smacked himself, because he realized the kid _was_ saving for his future, according to the customs of his village. Every gift the kid gave was a favor done for somebody. Every time the kid helped somebody out, the kid proved he could be counted on.

And if the kid ever needed help, some of those favors could be called due, and everybody would know he was a standup guy. Your girlfriend seems to come from a similar culture: People probably rely less on savings accounts and less on insurance policies, and more on family and strong social networks.

In a culture like this, your net worth isn’t based on your bank account, but on how many people would drop everything to help you out.
When I asked her she said “well I know I’ll always have a house there when I visit, and I’d rather not have that extra cash around if it means they’re going to be homeless”

This sounds like an absolutely classic example of somebody who comes from a favor-exchanging culture, and who acts very responsibly within that culture. You need to look at this from her perspective: If you and your girlfriend fell upon hard times, how far would her family go to help the two of you?

If the answer is, “Her family would provide a ridiculous amount of aid, even at significant cost to themselves,” then her actions are justifiable—and if she refused to help her family, she’d be announcing that she was an unreliable deadbeat who couldn’t be counted on.

Of course, if your girlfriend is giving money to people who _wouldn’t_ be there for her in a time of need, that’s still considered pretty dumb in cultures that run on favors. But at the same time, modern industrialized culture runs on very different rules. Families are smaller, and they’re often separated by hundreds or thousands of miles.

When we hit problems, we need to rely on savings and insurance. Retirement and education are brutally expensive. Each household needs to set aside enough resources to deal with life’s problems, because there may not be much help from friends and family.

So if you want to marry your girlfriend, you need to understand that you’re coming from two _very_ different cultures that handle money in very different ways, and you _both_ need to understand how each other’s culture works.

And then you need to work out some kind of compromise that works for you both—a compromise that allows her to make real sacrifices for family members who would make real sacrifices for her, but which also allows you to function as part of _your_ society, and to protect your family.

I’m not sure whether you need a financial counselor or an anthropologist, but you have incredibly important issues here that you need to understand! Some good starting points for understanding how different cultures think about money, favors and debt are:

– David Graeber’s book, _Debt: The First 5000 Years_. Lots of fun stories here about how different cultures work. – ~~patio11’s essay, “Doing business in Japan,” which shows how much even industrialized first-world nations differ on these issues.~~ _Wrong essay. He has another one that I can’t find right now._

As for the house cleaning, hire somebody. But based on what you told me, I don’t see any actual red flags. Rather, it seems like you’re dating a wonderful person across a large cultural gap. Cross-cultural marriages can work, but you both need to understand where the other is coming from.

Benocrates −  It sounds like you have a problem with how she feels about giving to her family. It seems like you wouldn’t be happy with her wanting to buy her family member a $20k house when you’re married. She will probably want to do things like that.

This isn’t a matter of flags, it’s about personality. If you’re cool with being generous like that, marry her. If not, don’t. For the love of God, don’t marry her thinking she’ll change or you can change her. It ain’t gonna happen.

YourWebcamIsOn −  so, let me get this right: 1) she’s very kind and generous, but not to the point that it jeopardizes her well-being (or yours). 2) she’s going to be a doctor. 3) she comes from a great family with traditional values balanced with modern actions in regards to women’s rights.

4) she errs on the side of more “moral” behavior in regards to cohabitation. 5) Loves to cook. 6) wants to have kids with you who will not be spoiled. 7) BUT OMG: she’s messy!

Next you’re going to tell us that she looks like a supermodel, is excellent in bed, is always pleasant to you (Even during her period) and likes the same things you do, but that you think this all might be a problem?! Only you can know if you should marry her. But…

flippantcreature −  Really? Your gf sounds like a saint. Maybe a bit messy, but I hardly think that’s a red flag (of course, mutual scarification with tidiness and chore division are things you negotiate when you live with someone).

I hardly think her ambition to prioritise teaching your potential kids about the more meaningful aspects of life is a red flag. I am actually quite confused about your definition of “red flag”? Maybe you mean “things that are amazing about my gf”?

dinosaur_train −  The red flags you listed are actually red flags for yourself. She should be worried about you. Everything she’s doing is square on the money, right in every regard. The fact that you aren’t on the same page should cause her concern.

Messiness – you keep saying you are worried about what this will look like after marriage. She’s going to be a surgeon. You will have a maid. Your home will be clean. This is a non issue. That is, unless you start to expect a surgeon to do chores. I mean, you wouldn’t be so silly there.

There is no divvy up housework in this arrangement. You get a maid and it is done. It is called opportunity cost. It’ll cost her more to clean than to pay someone to clean. Kids – She’s had a different life experience than you. The whole “want my kids to have the best” does not mean having a nice computer, phone, clothes etc.

In fact, making sure they have the ‘best’ material goods ensures that they are denied very important enriching life lessons. I knew a very wealthy man who bemoaned that he could give his children everything except hardship. If you want your child to have the best experience in life you want to shape their character.

You want them to grow up to be mature, responsible, reasonable, thoughtful, and the like. You want to teach them to set goals, to work hard, and to earn. Giving them “the best” from the gate denies them life skills.

There is a balance, of course. They’ll need phones etc. I’m not saying you deny them. But, you girlfriend is really smart. She’s well balanced. She’ll be able to find a middle ground on how to handle this stuff. Such as your kids working to earn upgraded phones and so on.

She’s got a sense of family, responsibility, and a real work ethic. She’s going to be the best mom in the world. The only issue will be if you don’t see that. Every single thing you’ve listed about her (except the irrelevant messiness) is brilliant and right. Don’t go against her. She is really wise for her age.

bblevall −  Other people in this thread don’t seem as worried about the money but money is the #1 thing married people fight about or stress about. Do not over look this. After marriage If she wants to give her mom and dad 10k this would need to be a discussion between you two, she shouldn’t just be able to hand it out without you talking about it.

You are considering spending your life with this woman, have a open and honest conversation with her. Let her know your reservations. Talk about how you would like to keep the house kept, talk about the difference in culture, talk about children and money.

Do not wait until you are married for 5 months to break into these topics. Heck. Maybe she has some reservations herself and could use an open talk to discuss these things. If this is the right person, an open talk will only bring you closer.

digestedtree −  It sounds like she’s the who should be wary of *your* red flags.

This post highlights the complexities of love and partnership, where admiration and respect meet challenges in values and lifestyles. Are these truly red flags, or simply opportunities for compromise and growth? What would you advise this Redditor as he considers the next step in his relationship? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/rGslC