Daughter [F20] died. What can I [M43] do for her boyfriend [M20]?

A grieving father shared his concern for his late daughter’s boyfriend, who appears to be struggling deeply with her recent passing. After encountering him repeatedly at her grave, they shared a heartfelt conversation where the young man expressed alarming sentiments, including feeling “lost” and having “nothing left.”

While the father has tried suggesting therapy and offering support, the boyfriend remains withdrawn. To learn more about this sensitive situation and explore possible ways to offer help, read the full story below…

‘ Daughter [F20] died. What can I [M43] do for her boyfriend [M20]?’

My daughter died three weeks ago. My wife and I are obviously upset but we’re coping. I’m posting this because I’m a little worried about her boyfriend. I’ve been back to her grave three times and he’s been there every time. Just sitting there.

The first two times I left, because I didn’t want to bother him, but yesterday I went over and talked to him. We went to a bar and talked some more.
I’m not going to pretend to know the guy, I had only talked to him 5 or 6 times prior to this.

But he seems like the type of guy who keeps to himself, with not too many friends. He’s also a bit of a nerd. He reminds me of myself actually, which is part of the reason I feel the need to help in some way. When we were at the bar he said a few somewhat alarming things ,

but these two stuck out: “she was all I had… I have nothing left” and “I’m lost without her.” I suggested therapy, told him that it’s helped me in the past, but he had no interest in it. I offered to let him stay at my house, I can’t imagine its very nice sleeping in the apartment that she died in, but he declined.

I’m not really sure what to do. He said things that made me think he might commit suicide, but I don’t know him that well so I can’t be sure. He just seemed so gloomy. Advice is appreciated.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Offthepoint −  Find a local grief support group and go to the next meeting and bring him. Tell him you’re going to try it just once, but want him to come along as moral support for *you*. Edit: thank you for the GOLD! And OP, so sorry for your loss.

cardinal29 −  First, I’m very sorry for your loss. It must be devastating to lose a child. I think your empathy for this kid is amazing, given what you are going through. But you are picking up on something important – you are equipped with the life experience to know that this phase of deep grief will pass.

There will always be a scar on your heart, but the wound will stop bleeding. He seems to be drowning in it, with no light at the end of the tunnel. Can you contact his family as well? Do you know any of the people in their circle of friends? Reach out and let everyone know of your concerns.

Even if you are overreacting, it is incumbent on you to alert those around him that he might be suicidal. He should definitely be in therapy, even if it is a local church or YMCA/JCC Bereavement Support Group.

Make some phone calls, offer to go with him – you would benefit from it yourself. He may be too grief-stricken to take action. Take action. You’d never forgive yourself if you said/did nothing and then something awful happened. Good luck. 

PrometheusTitan −  This is actually something I can contribute to, and I hope I can be helpful. At 34, I’m older than either your daughter or her BF, but I have some experience in this. Three years ago, my girlfriend died after 15 months fighting leukaemia.

I already got on really well with her family, but we became really close during the whole ordeal. My then-girlfriend and I both lived in the UK (having met here), but are/were both Canadian, and her family still lived there.

When she was diagnosed, they both spent as much time over here as they could, and at the end basically lived here full-time. My late-GF and I were long-distance, and I would usually come up on alternating weeks, again more often near the end.

We all lived at my girlfriend’s flat, and that, plus the reality of the situation, brought us all together. It was no surprise when she passed, as we’d all known it was coming for a few months. But that didn’t lessen the effect. Her parents stuck around for a few weeks after, until the memorial was done,

then had to go back to Canada. Since then, her mother and I have kept in touch, and I periodically speak with her father and routinely post things back and forth on Facebook with her brother. He mother has outright told me, as well a shown me, that she considers me a son-in-law in everything but name.

I’m part of their family and they’re part of mine. Your daughter’s boyfriend is in a very fucked up place. His world is turned around and being 20 years old will only magnify that and the importance of everything. The reality is that he will eventually meet someone else, and he will love again; he’s 20, of course he will.

But there is no chance that he can see that. So, if I could give you a recommendation, I would say that you just need to be there for him. Think of him like the son of your best friend. Someone you know, and care for, but don’t see every day. Let him know that you’re there for a shoulder to cry on or for a drink.

Commiserate and share stories of your daughter and the great times they had together and you did with her. You will both have memories and talking about them can help you both remember the happy times. I wouldn’t push for things like therapy, meeting new friends or “don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll be OK/love again” etc.

If you feel comfortable helping him find somewhere else to live, or putting him up on your couch for a few weeks, that might not be a bad idea, but don’t push it too hard. When you’re that age, “I have nothing left” is an easy place to go to.

Just be there and give him a sense of normalcy and regular life when you can, but don’t back away from what happened. Let him know that you guys share a tragedy-when my late GF died, I felt guilty for awhile because I felt like I was imposing on her parents’ grief and tragedy-they had known her for 32 years, we’d only been dating for 3.5.

But they acknowledged and recognised my pain, and they validated that it was serious and real and deserving. We shared the loss together, spoke openly about both the loss and the love we had for her. And that made it a lot easier to get through.

Feel free to PM me at any point if you want, I’m happy to share more or go over specifics. And though I realise first-hand how empty a thing this is to say, I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through, and for your loss.

myinnerpollyanna −  I’m so sorry, I can’t begin to imagine. As to what you can do… I guess just keep talking to him and giving him someone to talk to. Maybe invite him over for dinner or something, you all have a chance to talk about your daughter/his girlfriend and at least you know he’s eating one decent meal that day.

It’s tough, you’ve got your own grief and your wife’s grief and now you’re taking on helping with someone else’s as well… that’s true grace. By the way, remember the rule of the oxygen masks and if he is going down a bad way and it’s exacerbating your grief then call his family or a mental health team in.

pastamagician −  I’m so, so sorry for your loss. This must be a very trying time for you and your wife. As I am sure you and your wife have noticed, it is a lot easier to overcome grief when you have someone to share with, but this young man has lost the partner who he would normally have shared his grief with.

It is very noble of you to want to try to guide him through his grief. But considering you don’t know him well, I doubt there is much you can personally do for him except continue to be pleasant with him when you happen to see him, and try to keep in touch and talk to him if he is willing.

If you know how to contact his parents, or if you know any of your daughter’s close friends who might also be close with him, the best thing you can do is to inform them of the sentiments he expressed to you and that you are worried about his mental health and ask them to keep an eye on him and check in with him to make sure he is safe.

Jockobutters −  I dont have any advice, but I just wanted to say that: *your* daughter died and you’re worried about how her boyfriend is coping? You’re a great person. The fact that this is even on your radar at this moment is a masterpiece of understanding and empathy.

Kindness4Weakness −  My gf died when she was 21 and I was 26. What helped me the most was the family continuing to include me in their life. They made me feel like part of their family.

They’d have me over for dinner on random nights, and I’d even spend thanksgiving with them and go to their lake house a couple times. I think it helped them as much as it helped me. But I really didn’t know how to grieve and would spend all day thinking like “what do I do now?”

Not a deep philosophical question but literally what do I do today/tonight? Passing time became incredibly difficult, so every time anyone included me in anything was greatly appreciated. I feared having to go home after work with nothing to do, knowing I’d be alone with my thoughts all night.

She committed suicide, so it was impossible not to think about suicide. Not doing it myself, but just that it exists, and it’s scary. Unlike other causes of d**th, you can’t sweep that dark thought under the rug. It’s right in your face.

So just being around people I know was helpful. Being with her family was doubly helpful because I could kinda see how they were grieving and take cues and learn from them.

reddit809 −  …Your daughter died and you’re worried about her bf. You left her grave to let him grieve. For what it’s worth, you’re a really f**king good person.

ahmulz −  First of all, I am sorry for your loss. Second of all, you sound like a phenomenal human being for caring about your daughter’s boyfriend. He sounds like he needs professional help as well as someone just physically being there.

If you and your wife are comfortable with the idea, maybe have a weekly coffee/dinner/whatever with him and just talk about how you are all doing and/or your favorite memories of your daughter.

I think one of the worst part about losing someone you love is that it makes you feel incredibly isolated and alone- maybe he needs people around him that know just how great of a person your daughter was so they can understand how profound his grief is.

Since you said he’s like you, maybe connect on stuff you guys have in common so your relationship isn’t revolving around d**th. If you’re into Star Wars, maybe talk about the new Star Wars movie? If you’re into D&D and are going to have a game night with people, maybe invite him?

That being said, I think I would still every now and again bring up therapy. Perhaps not in “you should do it” sort of way, but you heard about a therapy group and you might try it out. That way, he is always reminded of the option. You’re a good dad, OP. Again, I’m sorry for your loss.