Me [24F] with my SO [27M] of 1 year, he destroyed a sentimental item of mine and sees nothing wrong with it because of the circumstances.

A young woman shares her heartbreak after discovering her boyfriend burned a deeply sentimental candle made by her late sister during a power outage, despite having other candles available.

The candle, crafted just before her sister’s tragic death, held immense emotional value. Now, she struggles with feelings of betrayal and disrespect, unsure if she can forgive him or move past this. Read the original story below.

‘ Me [24F] with my SO [27M] of 1 year, he destroyed a sentimental item of mine and sees nothing wrong with it because of the circumstances.?’

Me – 24 female, SO – 27 male (let’s call him Eugene), My sister – female (deceased 2 years, let’s call her Carrie). **Background about my sister**: Two years ago, my sister was killed in a car accident. She was riding with a friend to the mall (the friend’s parent was driving),

and teenage boy plowed through a red light while texting on his phone and hit the car my sister, Carrie, was in. Carrie was killed instantly and her friend, June, was in a coma for 3 weeks before her parents took her off life support. When Carrie passed I was devastated and angry and just not in a good place.

Carrie and I had been extremely close. Despite a 7 year age gap between us, we enjoyed a lot of the same shows, we went to concerts together, we volunteered together, and I took it upon myself to guide Carrie like any big sister would do.

Our parents were extremely busy with work most days and Carrie and I would often cook together and do crafts when we weren’t too busy with school work. Carrie wanted to be a NICU nurse when she grew up and I helped her find a volunteer position at a local hospital to help get her gain some experience being around patients.

In short, Carrie was my sister and best friend and when she passed, I was a mess. The last craft Carrie and I made together was a set of candles. We bought the wax at a local craft store and we both made each other a candle and decorated the jar it was in. That was the day before she was killed.

At her funeral, Carrie was buried with the candle I made her. The candle Carrie made me sits on my desk next to my favorite picture of her and I together at the beach. Or it did, until last week.

**Background about my boyfriend:** I met my boyfriend about a year and half ago (about 6 months after Carrie passed). I wasn’t looking for a relationship; I was still grieving my sister’s d**th. But Eugene came along and it was love at first site.

He was extremely supportive, let me cry on him when I needed to, didn’t push me into getting over grieving or anything. He was extremely gentleman about everything and very, very patient. After six months of seeing each other pretty regularly, we made it official.

Eugene came into my life at a very low point and he has always been very respectful of sentiments I keep from my sister. Never asking me to take them down, always giving me space when I needed to cry. Eugene, along with most, if not all, of my friends and family know about Carrie’s candle.

There was a point after she died where I would take the candle with me everywhere out of fear that someone might light it, or steal it, or who knows what. The point is, that candle was and still is a very important part of my life and something that my sister made for me and me alone.

When Eugene and I moved in together about 4 months ago, I packed away most of the reminders of my sister and put out the candle and picture on my desk. I felt that this was a huge step because when I’d lived just by myself I had pictures everywhere and a few knick-knacks laying around from my sister.

I wanted to make Eugene and I’s home our home with just a small part of my sister there. Eugene understood and was very supportive!
**The Issue:** Last week, we had a massive winter storm that knocked out power. We didn’t have power for 3+ days. The power was knocked out at Eugene and I’s house while I was at work (which did not lose power).

Eugene texted me that he was going to light some candles and try and get a generator so we could have some for of power or at least be able to charge our phones/use lights/etc. Now, we have probably 30+ candles in our house.

I am a huge fan of sales and when Bath & Body Works has a candle sale, I like to stock up and get a range of scents. We have candles scattered all over our house. In the room where my desk is, there are no candles aside from the one Carrie made me. None at all and there never has been.

This room is also downstairs, where Eugene doesn’t spend a lot of time (his desk is upstairs). When I arrived home from work last week, I noticed a bunch of candles burning in our living room (safely! always monitored and not near anything that could ignite). One of these candles was the candle that Carrie had made me.

I burst into tears and when Eugene heard me crying he came out from the bedroom (where he was lighting more candles) and ask what was wrong. I was a wreck and couldn’t get any words out. When he tried to calm me down, I shoved past him and locked myself in the room where my desk was and just cried.

I don’t know how he could be so stupid. He knew and I thought he understood how sentimental the candle was and how much I cherished having a candle that my now deceased sister had spent time making with me just a day before she was killed.

I haven’t been able to speak to Eugene since it happened (Tuesday of last week). He has tried to explain why he did it, because he needed candles to be able to see but I just can’t wrap my head around it.

He hadn’t gotten into the large candle stash I have *upstairs right by the living room where Carrie’s candle was* but went downstairs, out of the way to grab the most sentimental, cherished item I have. The candle was burning most of the day while I was at work and is now melted and pretty much gone.

I do still have the jar it was in but I can’t look at it without bursting into tears. Reddit, what do I do? Eugene says it was an accident but I just don’t believe that. He said he was getting around to lighting the candle surplus we have upstairs but just hadn’t gotten there yet (after being home ~6 hours alone with no power).

I am heartbroken and feel like this is a major slap in the face. I feel disrespected. I feel like he disrespected my sister. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can forgive him for this. Can or should I try to work past this?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

70ms −  This may be the wrong idea and it may not help but as a sentimental crafter I have a thought. First, I am so sorry about the candle. From what you’ve said about your boyfriend I think he just wasn’t thinking. It might not even have occurred to him to remember that candles are *consumable* and the wax would melt completely away.

Okay, on to the next step. Maybe a stupid idea. It’s so so clear that you’re still grieving over the loss of your sister. You still have the jar. On her birthday, or the anniversary of her d**th if that feels right, make a new candle in the jar. Pick her favorite color or something.

When you make the candle, pour in all of your love for her along with the wax. Focus on that love when you’re pouring. Think of the “new” candle as containing all of that love. Think of it now as something you made together… she made the vessel, you made the love.
Just a thought. Maybe cheesy and stupid. But maybe not?

bladespark −  Eugene says it was an accident but I just don’t believe that. He said he was getting around to lighting the candle surplus we have upstairs but just hadn’t gotten there yet

Look if this guy *actually* gave a damn about you and your feelings, he would be in tears himself over how badly he hurt you, he would be “Oh my god I am so sorry, that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, I can never make it up to you, I am sorry” not “what, it was an accident, no biggie.”

If he did it on purpose he is a m**ipulative p**cho, if he did it on accident he is being an insensitive j**k, and either way I would not let him off the hook for this at all.

Melted_Candle1 −  Ok, so to recap what you stated above: – Eugene and everyone you are close to knows about the candle and what it means to you. – You had it displayed on your desk along with a special photo in a prominent spot (as a small memorial of sorts).
– The twin of this candle (the one you made) is buried with your sister.

– *The candle is so precious to you that at one point you took it everywhere with you!!!*- You have a ton of candles sitting out around your house that were readily available for our bf to use when the power went out, including a large stash of candles in the room next to where Carries candle was displayed.

– Your boyfriend met you while you were grieving and has been an active part of your grieving process and knows the changes that you have been going through (putting other items that reminded you of Carrie away and placing the photo & candle on your desk in your new home together).

First of all, I do not think you are overeacting in any way. Do not let anyone tell you it was only a candle. When we lose people we love very dearly (and you lost your sister!) small items of theirs that seem insignificant become cherished mementos of the lives they lived and the people they were.

I had a friend once who lost a childhood friend to suicide and the only thing he had to remind him of this friend was a cheap dollar store keychain and it was PRECIOUS to him. So having that candle be burned to a nub of melted wax is a loss and you should not apologize for grieving it or having it affect you.

This cannot have been a stupid mistake. I think it was intentional. Eugene was freaking feet away from a big stash of candles AND you have a bunch of them sitting out all over your home. It was a power blackout not the apocalypse.

What, did he damage his legs so badly that he could not walk a few feet farther to where you keep your stash of candles? I would definitely break up with someone over this. Even if it was somehow a mistake I would break up with them over their sheer stupidity to be honest.

If someone was that dumb to destroy a memento of such value to me over nothing then I would not want to have them in my life because they cannot be trusted with larger issues. You said that you met Eugene six months after your sister died. Has he ever lost someone close to him?

A friend or family member he really loved? If so, even though he has been supportive, he might not *truly* understand what you are going through. You only moved in together 4 months ago which is a big step forward. I am wondering if he felt that “accidently” destroying the candle would be a way of “helping” you move forward in some way.

You said that he has been incredibly understanding throughout your grieving process so early on in your relationship. Do you think that maybe he has become a bit bitter about investing so much energy into helping you through a difficult time? Maybe now that you live together he wants you to be fully past your sisters d**th and your own grief?

I think you need to sit him down when you are both in a neutral mood and have time to talk and try to get him to be completely honest with you about his intentions regarding that candle. It obviously means a lot to you for completely valid reasons.

If I were your bf and I truly accidently damaged your candle in some way (say by accidently knocking it off your desk while cleaning) I would be beside myself with guilt and be extremely apologetic. In the end,

if he sticks to his story of it being accidental or not thinking it was a big deal you should still feel perfectly valid in dumping him if you so choose. I would not really trust my significant other the same way if this happened to me. I know it is something seemingly small, but it is meaningful.

And by the way, for someone who lost their sister only two years ago it sounds like you are coping with it as well as can be expected. You are going through a normal grieving process and that is ok.

You packing up your other mementos when you moved in with Eugene was a big step and that should be noted. Do not apologize for your grief. It is truly horrendous to lose someone you love.. *HUGS*

[Reddit User] −  Has he apologized sincerely or just blown it off? The magnitude of his remorse should be your guide in how to take this. If he was just an absent-minded dolt, yeah a mistake. But a more deliberate action would have him showing little to no remorse.

Yetikins −  This may be an off-base theory, but, you met this guy 6mo after Carrie’s d**th while you were still grieving and he was “extremely” supportive etc.

Is it possible he had some sort of savior complex where he came in to help a grieving woman past her sorrows, then when 2 years later you still kept the candle on your desk, he was upset you hadn’t moved past it as he saw fit?

Like if he moved in solely because you were sad and grieving and thus a project for him, then felt like the candle meant he hadn’t finished yet, he lights it? Which he thinks will force you to fully move past the event (hah, fat chance).

It just makes no sense why he goes downstairs, out of his way, to get and light Carrie’s candle. A power outage is not a freak-out emergency. I have been in many. It goes out, you glare at your now-dark computer screen, wait to see if it comes back on quickly.

If it doesn’t and it happens at night or grows dark, you go get some candles and flashlights. Nothing makes you panic during a power outage. There is no reason to forget the sentimental candle’s value. If anything, they’re pretty boring. There were more candles on the main level for him to light.

I dunno my suggestion about his motives and treating you as a ‘project’ might be wrong. Just tossing an idea out. But I don’t see how this was an accident. He had no reason to go downstairs then move Carrie’s candle UPstairs. None. He wasn’t even using it to light the room it was in. That was intentional.

Skittle_butt −  How could he not remember that this was Carrie’s candle? The answer is – he couldn’t have if he actually had real sympathy and understanding about your grief. If he honestly did forget, what does that tell you about how deep his care goes?

Even if that had been the one and only candle in the house, if I were him, I would have sat in the dark or gone out to get candles anywhere else before I lit that candle.

Population-Tire −  I would absolutely end a relationship with someone over this. He must be a complete emotional i**ot to think that this candle should be treated like any other.

Also, I like how he tried to walk it back from “I needed candles and there was one,” to “it was an accident.” How f**king stupid he must be to think that this would be acceptable. Seriously, end it and don’t look back.

CantFigureThisOut123 −  we have probably 30+ candles in our house. We have candles scattered all over our house.. He had LOTS of available candles. In the room where my desk is, there are no candles aside from the one Carrie made me. None at all and there never has been.

This room is also downstairs, where Eugene doesn’t spend a lot of time (his desk is upstairs). He went out of his way to get Carrie’s candle. From the living room to my desk room, there are probably 7-9 candles out, in plain view that he would have had to pass, three of which were lit when I walked in. Went further out of his way

he candle was in a jar that was decorated with paint, glitter, and stickers so it is not anywhere close to a store bought candle. It is f**king obvious that Carrie’s candle is different from the rest, and yet he still has the nerve to say it was an accident? **There is no f**king way this was an accident.**

I can’t believe someone would do that, I just can’t. It’s so bizarre. It’s incredibly hurtful. No one would blame you for breaking up with him.
Can or should I try to work past this?

If I were you, I wouldn’t. He just doesn’t sound trustworthy AT ALL. His reasons s**k and it’s obvious that he had to go through a lot just to get the candle. I feel like he may be hiding some resentment, too.

cathline −  (((hugs))). I’m so sorry for your loss. Eugene – well, he may say the right words when you are around – but when it comes to something that is important to you – that he KNOWS is important to you – the inconvenience of having to walk upstairs outweighs your feelings.

Not matter what he SAYS – this is what his actions ARE. Your last gift from your deceased sister is not as important to him as the inconvenience of walking up a flight of stairs.

I’m a 52 yr old happily married woman. This would be a deal breaker for me. This shows a profound lack of respect for your feelings, a huge sense of entitlement and selfishness.

He is showing you his real self with his actions. And trying to downplay what he did is part of that “Oh, it was just an accident. I didn’t realize that the only candle on your desk was important to you.

I didn’t think that the the gift your sister made for you the day before she died would be THAT important. ” Not a keeper. you WILL find someone who would never consider this an option.

[Reddit User] −  His response to this will tell you if this is something worth working through. Contrite and feels bad? Absolutely. Blowing it off as no big deal? Absolutely not.

This story highlights the complexities of dealing with loss, sentimental value, and misunderstandings in relationships. Was Eugene’s action an honest mistake, or a sign of deeper insensitivity? Should she prioritize her feelings or try to reconcile with him? How would you handle a situation like this? Share your thoughts below!