I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me?

A woman (26F) shares her dilemma about her relationship with her boyfriend (27M), which was initially set to end after medical school due to their residency match. However, as the end date approaches, she has second thoughts and wants to continue their relationship, possibly even couples-matching. She’s unsure how to bring up the topic without risking her boyfriend’s career ambitions. Read the original post below.

‘ I (26F) started a relationship with my boyfriend (27M) with a defined end date. The end date is coming up, and I no longer want the relationship to end. How do I bring this up and convince him to build a future with me?’

I met my boyfriend (“R”) a little over three years ago during our medical schools orientation. We were extremely attracted to each other and almost immediately started dating. We became “roommates” in the middle of our second year (same house but different rooms, though we generally slept together).

So here’s the issue. For those who don’t know, after people finish medical school and get their MD, they have to apply to residencies. The MD is a worthless degree without residency. Matching is done via a “match-list”, You interview for spots in specific specialties in specific hospitals all around the U.S, create a list ranking all of your interview positions, give that list to the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter and hope that you get a place high on your list.

You essentially have an algorithm go down your match list until you are accepted to a hosptial, where no other positions below that ranking are considered. The caveat is that there is something called a couples-match, which ensures that couples stay together through the match. The downside is that one person ties their success in the match to the success of their partner by doing the couples match.

We agreed from the start that we both wanted to pursue competitive specialties (I want dermatology, he wants ophthalmology), so we crossed off couples-matching to make sure that we would both be as successful as possible in the match.

Therefore, we agreed that the end of fourth year would be the end of our relationship if we matched in different cities. We’ve submitted our applications, are submitting our match lists in March, and I am getting second thoughts about not couple’s matching with him. I guess my priorities have changed, because I would rather go to a terrible hospital in the middle of nowhere than lose him.

How do I bring this up to him? I know how ambitious he is, and I don’t think he would appreciate the prospect of matching being more difficult being dumped on him out of the blue. Am I expected to enter the conversation being willing to sacrifice some of my ambitions to ensure that he succeeds through the match even if we couples match?

TLDR: relationship was expected to end next year, and I don’t want it to. How do I approach the topic with my boyfriend?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

deadletter −  Hey, I’ve really enjoyed our years together. I’ve thought about changing my application to try to join you where you go. How do you feel about that?

Zestyclose-Bag8790 −  Wow. This story really hits hard. I am a retired doctor and watched friends go through the emotions you have now. The match is crazy experience. The couples match is crazy squared. Out of undergrad my wife and I had been married for 6 months. Both applying to grad schools was stressful.

We were fortunate to be able to both get spots in the same city (not same school). It was not our top choice city, but we got to be together. That was 30+ Yrs ago. We are sitting by each other right now.

I’m glad we got both get into programs in the same city, but I’m more glad we decided to hitch our fates together. If a person can be lucky in love or in the residency match, I know what I would pick. But remember also that I’m biased. I am like asking a lottery winner if you should buy a ticket.

MLeek −  You can’t convince him, and you shouldn’t try. You can tell him what you’re willing and able to do to make this work, and see if he can see a way forward as well.

Never beg someone to be with you. It will never end well for you. Tell them what you want, what you hope for, what you need, what you can offer… see if an agreement is possible.

If you’re going to seriously limit your career to stay together and advance his… then this conversation should include some discussion of timeline for marriage and children, if you value either of those things.

Do not trade your placement for the mere promise of delaying this breakup for another few years. If you’re doing this together, you should do it with the shared intent of making this partnership that is long-term. You will be meaningfully changing your income potential and possibly your work satisfaction for decades. If you’re both not a Hell Yes on this, It’s a No.

[Reddit User] −  Don’t plan your career and life around a man please. Pick the right residency for you and do what you need to do for you. Because I guarantee you that it’s what he’s doing for himself.

StrikersRed −  You might be better off posting this in the medschool and residency subreddits. This is a really tough one. I’m familiar with the process, however I’ve never been through. Decided to go RN and EMS instead of medical school.

I’d have a very open conversation before you do anything. If he shares the sentiment, perhaps he would feel the same way. Or, you both acknowledge one person has a better career outlook and put more focus on that one. You may be able to couples match anyway if your step 2 scores are solid, and you have good pubs/CVs/etc

And I will say – match in your desired specialty in a program that isn’t toxic, regardless of what you decide that specialty will be. Beyond that, stop caring about prestige. Once you’re an attending, that s**t stops mattering almost entirely. I’ve worked with EM residents and attendings from everywhere, half of which are DO, some IMG.

artemidean −  If he’s applying ophthalmology, I don’t think couple’s matching is even an option, since they use the SF Match rather than NRMP. But perhaps they’ve added a way to coordinate the two?

Another factor to consider is that iirc NRMP limits you to 200 matches. This number sounds bananas when you’re solo matching, but I know at least one surgical subspecialty couple who used all 200 slots and couldn’t include ranks where only one of them matched for safety. So even with being willing to be flexible with location/prestige/specialty, there may be challenges.

Edit: SF match matches earlier than NRMP – does it match before NRMP rank lists are due? Then, you could rank programs in the city he matches if you two decide to try and make it work longer. This would remove any risk for him, but you’d have to decide how strongly you would want to prioritize dermatology/certain programs, and whether this relationship is likely to last and be worth any sacrifice.

kevin_r13 −  Imo focus on your success and what you need to do to achieve it. This includes a geographically different location if need be. The person you’ll grow into in the next couple of years will be so different from today.

There’s no reason you can’t stay in touch and visit but either choose it as a long distance relationship or choose it as a new friendship going forward (or FWB if you two are not in official relationships)

storm_in_a_tea_cup −  Don’t sacrifice your hard earned career for a relationship that he always believed was expiring. You need to have a conversation with him now about your future together. If he agreed to an end date, he certainly wasn’t thinking marriage/kids potential with you. Don’t let the fairytale stuff up your own future.

lazyolddawg −  Please please please focus on your own career. If you’re meant to be, it’ll work out.

obtunded −  Moot point, ophtho is a separate match process from main match (SF) so you can’t couples match with any other specialty.

Have you ever had to make a difficult decision that involved both your career and a relationship? How did you balance your ambitions and personal life? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.