I (49F) overheard a conversation between my husband (47M) and his sister (43F) about how the reason why my daughter (24F) is so messed up is because I was a bad parent. I don’t even know how to proceed after hearing that ?

A woman overheard her husband confiding in his sister about doubts regarding her parenting, suggesting she may have been abusive and caused her daughter’s behavioral issues. She’s devastated by his lack of belief in her and conflicted about addressing the situation since she eavesdropped on a private conversation. Read the full story below.

‘ I (49F) overheard a conversation between my husband (47M) and his sister (43F) about how the reason why my daughter (24F) is so messed up is because I was a bad parent. I don’t even know how to proceed after hearing that ?’

My first husband died when my daughter was only 1 years old. I was left to raise her all alone, although my brother effectively stood in as her father. She had a relatively normal childhood. I was lucky that I did not have to work and that my family stepped in so much to help me raise her.

Around her teen years, she started exhibiting some worrying behavior. Lots of aggression, hostility, neuroticism etc. She was very productive and did amazing in school and never got involved in drugs or anything, but her personality changed to become quite cruel and intimidating.

I honestly have no idea how it happened or why this change happened with her. She refused any form of counseling or mental health treatment, convinced there was nothing wrong with her.

I hate to describe it this way, but the way she treated me and my brother was a**sive. She went out of her way to make me feel bad about my weight, my looks, my lack of education, my ‘clumsiness’ etc on a near daily basis.

She would do things to embarrass me in public and clearly take pleasure out of seeing me upset or ashamed. She wasn’t just like this to me, she also effectively lost all of her friendships, all of her relations with other family, over her behavior.

And it wasn’t just teasing, if you frustrated her, she would become terrifyingly angry and even physical and destructive. It was the most harrowing years of my life, to see my own daughter turn into this… cruel, horrible person.

The worst part was that she would go back and forth between being kind and sweet to me and acting like she was some amazing person, and then switch into being cruel. I just bit my tongue. I literally was too scared to talk back to her.

There was a time where I tried to reign it in but eventually I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. She left home at 18 and rarely visits. She lives 500 miles away in New Jersey, working towards a career in finance. When I do see her, she acts fine and friendly, but there are moments where I can see her cruel side is still very much there.

I remember when she visited for a whole weekend, and was totally fine, and then at the end she threw a huge fit at me over dinner being made too late in the night and started screaming at me, calling me ‘dumb pathetic u**y’, breaking her plate on the ground, and then laughed at me when I started to cry.

Very classic behavior. It was almost like she had planned to act nice all weekend just to trick me. Anyways, you get the gist. It has been a constant source of pain for me. I met my husband 5 years ago and married him 3 years ago.

My daughter has been nothing but sweet to him when they have met, and so it can be difficult for him to absorb why we are a bit distant. But other family members on my side have assured him what I say is true, so its not as if he doesn’t believe me about her problems.

My husband had his family over for dinner. We had a fun time, and I went to bed. I could still hear my husband in the living room drunk chatting with his sister, who is basically his best friend. Our house has very thin walls. I heard them discuss my daughter, and… I was just astounded.

She brought up how kids dont just ‘randomly end up that way’ and that there has to have been something to make her that way, and he said how I tell him I was this good parent, but he doesn’t really think that is true, because if that were true she wouldn’t have ended up that way. He said he isnt sure if I ‘abused her or beat her’ or something like that.

This is paraphrasing heavily, their conversation went on for easily 20-30 minutes. It sounded like they had talked about this before. My husband said that even if I was a horrible parent it means nothing to him because we aren’t having kids.

He also mentioned how no mother ever admits they are bad parents and that he doesn’t think I would ever admit to being one. But he did say that its “fucked up to mess someone up for life like that and then deny it”.

I was just astounded. Just to be clear, I do think something probably triggered her to end up like that. But I spent years trying to get her to open up, go to therapy, anything, and there was nothing. I made her talk to a counselor and she didnt take it seriously at all.

I have talked with my husband about those years extensively, I have even told him exactly what his sister said, that I think it came from something, I don’t know what. I know my grandmother was a very cruel woman, and maybe it was just a genetic thing passed down, but I can’t say.

I am just so deeply hurt by his comments. That he doesn’t believe me. I am his wife. We are completely honest with each other. Well, I thought we were. And yet at the same time, I don’t blame him. He is completely correct that horrible mothers don’t ever admit they are horrible mothers. I know, I have met plenty.

And I also do not blame him for ever bringing up these suspicions. Could you imagine telling your wife “you might have been a horrible a**sive mother”? Basically implying I am lying. Even if he does think that I was, I simply cannot blame him for not ever bringing this up to me. But it doesn’t mean I am not deeply, deeply hurt by the fact that he thinks this about me.

Its been one day and I havent brought it up. I just dont know how. For one, I eavesdropped. That is not okay. But two, its just UNCOMFORTABLE to talk about. What do I do? How do I bring this up to him? What do I even say?

TL;DR – – I overheard my husband and his sister talk about how the reason why my daughter is so messed up is because I abused her. I did not, and I told him that.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

anonymongus1234 −  I was thinking about your post so I came back to comment. The thing that keeps grabbing my attention, is the fact that your husband was speaking about you in really negative terms. Not bringing any other issues into account, THIS alone makes me feel…really unnerved for you.

No matter what the conversation, your spouse should not speak about you this way. He could’ve said, “she and her daughter had a difficult time after her first husband died” or a million other things but he instead chose to jump on “she wouldn’t admit it even if it is her fault”. That’s a leap. It’s a malicious leap.

Particular_Disk_9904 −  Imagine all the conversations you didnt hear? It’s a big red flag when a spouse does not have your back, and he has clearly talked negatively about you and your daughter before. This would be a huge no for me, I suggest taking time away and maybe even speaking to a counselor to decide what is best for you. I would never trust my husband if I had overheard something that disgusting, him gossiping with a family member.

rhea_hawke −  I couldn’t stay married to someone who thinks so badly of me and talks about me behind my back like that.

coloradyo −  Hey OP, I work in an inpatient mental health facility with kiddos that grew up just like yours, where at some point it’s like a switch is flipped and things are never quite the same again.

Sometimes there are easy to identify family/parenting/trauma-related factors involved, or sometimes families will tell me about grandparents or great-grandparents who were known to exhibit similar behaviors, and sometimes there’s just a big ol question mark.

The question of “nature versus nurture,” etc. Brains are weird and do very weird things! Therapy and medication management seem to help, but past a certain point and past a certain age you can’t quite easily make folks take medication or attend appointments (if there aren’t other requirements under the state for court-mandated treatment or if they’re not involuntarily hospitalized/etc).

Folks without an understanding of the complicated nature of mental health and mental illness might not ever fully be able to wrap their minds around this kind of stuff – and they’re lucky to be able to do that! I work with so many confused and struggling parents who try their best to look for resources, and it’s even harder when people in need of services encounter 3 year waiting lists. The system is messed up.

Nonetheless, regarding your husband, I don’t know that I could be in a relationship with someone who deeply questioned the legitimacy of my stories/didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt/talked about me with their family behind my back like that.

You want someone who’s gonna be on your team and be a partner with you. Like, why would he marry you if he didn’t believe you or trust you or thought there was a possibility that you weren’t a good person? So many weird questions here. You caught yourself a very strange fish with this one – maybe consider tossing him back to the sea.

Head-Independence937 −  I fear you’ve picked your daughter in a partner because it’s all you’ve known and now have normalized this abuse as standard behavior from “family” You don’t deserve this from anyone, let alone the two people who should be protecting you most.

Please find a counselor to talk to that can help you navigate what you’ve endured, and how you’ve found coping mechanisms to deal with their behaviors, so you can begin healing and give yourself the life you deserve, but don’t even realize you are robbing yourself of.

notastepfordwife −  I have BPD and it is glaringly obvious to me what she’s doing. (That’s not to say I think she has a cluster B. Sociopathy sounds more likely). She’s presenting a mostly normal facade to your new husband because he’s never seen the real her.

And because he hasn’t seen it, he can’t believe it, and thinks you’re the one causing problems because SHE’S never shown herself to be the problem. You need to check his phone, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s in contact with her and she’s telling him all these lies, and he believes her. It sounds like she’s setting you up like the bad guy so he leaves you.

Also, no matter what you do about your j**kass husband, CUT HER OFF. I know she’s your kid, but for f**k’s sake, we tell people not to stay in a**sive relationships, and that should include your children. She delights in tormenting you, and you keep walking right into it. Stop. She doesn’t LIKE you. She wants to take things from you because she can.

morgaina −  I mean he is right that most mothers would never acknowledge when they f**k up their kids, but it also sounds like he was extremely out of line. If he doesn’t believe you and thinks that you were a bad mother, he has no business being with you. You cannot have it both ways and he is fucked up for trying.

Waste_Ad_6467 −  Do not sit on this, OP. It sounds like you have a very difficult time with conflict and standing up for yourself. The fact he speaks about you like this is just not ok. Even him thinking you were an a**sive person and was just okay with it…what does that say about HIM, how he thinks, and what is acceptable to him?!? Bc in my mind, it doesn’t say anything good.

People can have the exact same upbringing and turn out completely different so it’s wild that they just assume it’s something you did to cause your daughter’s behavior. As if losing a parent wouldn’t be enough to create issues in someone (not to excuse her behavior, bc it sounds cruelly a**orrent).

And the truth is, you probably have made some mistakes as a parent (I’ve yet to meet a perfect one), but to assume you’re an a**sive person is a huge leap to make. You say your grandmother was cruel so it seems you have a pattern established from a very early age of accepting mistreatment. None of this is ok.

Also, who cares if you eavesdropped? It was in your own home and it was about you. He shouldn’t say things to someone else he wouldn’t say to your face if he’s a person with integrity. Doesn’t make your feelings hurt any less though I’m sure and for that I am very sorry.

Please get into therapy for yourself if you’re not already. Please also talk to him about this; don’t let it fester inside of you. You have to stand up for yourself bc no one will do it for you. Wishing you the best of luck, OP.

Snowybird60 −  Sorry but my response would have been to start packing as soon as I heard their conversation. Then I would have walked right past them towards the front door. When he asked me why I was leaving I would have told him.

He wasn’t there when you were raising your daughter and he has absolutely nothing to say about it. For him to talk s**t to his sister about you, drunk or not, is absolute b**lshit and it’s a huge betrayal of your trust.

I mean who the hell marries someone and then talks about them like that? Then for him to say that it doesn’t matter because you guys aren’t gonna be having any kids is unreal. Why would you want to stay with someone like that?

blumoon138 −  Your daughter sounds like a malignant n**cissist. And n**cissism is usually correlated with trauma. Like oh, I don’t know, the d**th of a parent at a very young age? People want to be able to blame something concrete when a kid turns out s**tty, so as to distance themselves from the thought that it could happen to them.

But like if you actually observe people raised in the same household with the same parenting, they can have wildly different outcomes. One of my friends, a married mom with a great career, has a brother who totally failed to launch, and it wasn’t because of favoritism. Same with my husband and his sister. I am garden variety mentally ill (anxiety) and my sister has done stints in patient.

I don’t know how your husband made it to almost fifty and doesn’t realize that parenting isn’t perfectly correlated with how a kid turns out. Except that he sounds low empathy and insight.

Navigating trust and sensitive topics in a relationship can be challenging. How would you approach discussing this with a partner while maintaining honesty and respect? Share your thoughts or advice below.