Want some advice on how I [29F] can “come clean” to some new friends [32F, 34F, 34M, 38F) I’ve gotten close to over the last 6 months to whom I’ve been lying by omission.

A Redditor, who moved to a new city and found close friends, now faces the challenge of revealing her past as a widow and mother who lost her child in a tragic accident. After six months of forming strong friendships, she feels conflicted about sharing the details of her painful loss and the reasons she kept it from them. Read the original story below.

‘ Want some advice on how I [29F] can “come clean” to some new friends [32F, 34F, 34M, 38F) I’ve gotten close to over the last 6 months to whom I’ve been lying by omission.’

I know what I’m going to do, I just want to talk out the best way with some objective parties, I hope that’s ok. I will change all names and fudge some irrelevant details just in case…not that I’m super scared anyone will recognize me, just like my anonymity.

I’ve been through some s**t. There is no way to sugar coat it. 3 years ago I was married to the love of my life (Ben) with the most perfect human child that ever existed (Veronica) and I was 5 months pregnant with a boy. We were hit by a drunk driver at 5pm in the afternoon, my husband and daughter died on the scene,

and I miscarried my son in the hospital later that night. I was otherwise physically “fine”. It has not been an easy road. There were times when I’d have killed myself, except after losing my daughter, I’d never do that to my mom. I took time off work, I spent time with friends and family, I went to therapy almost every day, I grieved.

I tried to go back to my old job, but it just didn’t work. I don’t blame my coworkers at all, but no one really treated me normally. With everything they did there was just this…pity. Every idea of mine is the greatest, every joke I tell is the best.

When I walk into rooms people stop talking and focus on me, everyone wants to share my workload and help me out. They are doing what you’d think any wonderful people would do but it felt terrible. I wanted to move on with my life and feel normal.

6 months ago, at 29, for the first time in my life I moved out on my own, to a new state, I got a new job using no connections who knew me. I moved to this new far away city and tried to recreate myself. I had always wanted to salsa dance so I started going to a salsa night at a bar and ended up seeing 4 people there frequently.

3 women and a man, Brenda, Donna, Kelly and Luke. Brenda, Donna and Luke were a few years older than me. Donna and Luke are divorced with no kids (not divorced from each other) and Kelly is the oldest and is married with 2 kids.

I started seeing them at the bar every Thursday night and spending time there, but after a few weeks we exchanged numbers and got together for dinner. The rest is “history”, we were fast friends and hung out about once a week, sometimes Donna and I would see each other more often because she was also single.

The last 6 months have been the best and and worst I could have imagined. I needed for people to treat me as a human. I needed to not see pity in their eyes when they looked at me. I needed them to be honest with me and not just tell me everything I did and said was the best ever because I’ve suffered enough.

It felt great for a while. They called me out on my s**t, they aggressively loved me, I felt so normal. One weekend we went to the beach together. Kelly saw me in my bikini and exclaimed “ugh you b**ch, you’re so thin, that is the body of a woman who has never had a baby!” and laughed.

She was complimenting me, I wanted to scream that my body grew the most perfect human that ever existed and that my breasts fed her for 13 months. I suddenly cursed my body for not having stretch marks when before it’d seemed to be a blessing.

Now Brenda has been dating someone seriously and they just got engaged, and is leaning heavily on Kelly and Donna since they’ve both been married and want advice. Sure she wants my advice too, as a good friend, but she doesn’t want to hear about my wedding that I had poured my heart and soul into because she doesn’t know it happened.

But I guess I didn’t think I’d become such great friends with these new people and want them to know more about me, and now I am looking for the best way to tell these people that I am a widow who lost a child and a pregnancy along with her husband. I’ve known them for 6 months and we’ve gotten so close in so many ways.

I don’t say this to sound bitchy, but I also know that I’ll get a pass. No one will be mad that I haven’t told them yet, everyone will understand, I just want to tell them in the least dramatic way, and to make sure they fully understand my reasons and that my intentions for lying by omission were selfish, but good.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

dahlialia −  I think tell them some of what you have told us here. Tell them that you moved somewhere new to get a new start, to be treated normally. Tell them that their friendships have been so valuable and wonderful, and has helped you heal.

Then tell them that as you have become closer, you have wanted to share some of the positive aspects of your past. That you feel compelled to speak up about the wedding you planned, the marriage you built, the child you carried and nurtured. And so you know you need to tell them what happened.

alexandraerin −  I’m going to tell you something that might sound counter-intuitive given that you’re looking to be honest, but: framing is important. If you start your revelation by telling them that you’ve been lying to them (even by omission), they’re going to receive it as a story about how you lied to them.

You have done nothing wrong here. You have done nothing dishonest. You have held back nothing that anyone was entitled to, or needed to know. You did what you needed to, at the cost of no harm to any living person. That’s not a lie in my books.

So maybe sit down and tell them “There’s a part of my life I haven’t been ready to talk about until now, but now we’re so close I can’t imagine not sharing it with you.” And work on thinking about it in those terms yourself. There’s nothing to beat yourself up over here.

CeannCorr −  I don’t have any helpful advice, but damn. However you choose to tell them, they’re going to remember some comments they’ve made or thoughts they’ve had and feel like total assholes. They will treat you differently, at least while it’s all soaking in. Give it a couple weeks for things to go back to normal.

Have pictures ready to show them. You’re a fairly new friend, and there’s a chance they’ll think you’re after attention. Last, but not least, you have my utmost respect for being able to pick yourself up from that and move on. Hoping everything goes well for you.

slugsgohereagain −  They probably know something is wrong. It’s probable that the thing they think is wrong is worse than it actually is, and yet they’re still your friends, and have been biting their tongues when things that would have otherwise gotten you talking about your recent past didn’t.

Yes, they’ll likely look at you with sympathy. It’s natural. If you found out that any one of them had had something terrible happen to them, you wouldn’t be able to look at them the same way, either, I’m betting.

But you’d still be their friend, wouldn’t you? These folks will still be there for you. And if you explain to them that you’re not made of glass, that you want them to keep ribbing you and treating you the same way, they’ll do that.

chicapoo −  Hey there, I just wanted to offer support as someone who has lived through a similar (but not quite as terrible) situation. Six years ago, my brother killed himself. He was my best friend and roommate and it was…hard.

I hated how differently people treated me, and I craved normal interaction. So 6 months after he died, I picked up and moved across the country to a city where no one knew me. I told no one about my brother, and it felt amazing to be treated like a normal person.

But then, over time, it started to feel less amazing. My brother was the most important person in my life. His life completely shaped who I am, and his d**th is the single most influential event in my life. I wanted to talk about him. I felt like an imposter. I was pretending to be someone that I’m not.

I never did figure out how to tell those people. But I’ve since moved again (several times), and I’ve gotten a lot better. I don’t bring it up right away, but I do bring it up naturally and casually when it comes up. I don’t lie and I don’t hide it, but I don’t volunteer it easily either.

I still hate how it changes things (and it does a little), but I’m not hiding. And the more time that passes, the less people focus on it.
Your situation is far worse than mine.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. But I wanted to let you know that you’re not the only person who has ever felt this way, and you will get through it and learn how to navigate this new world that you live in.

GinBird −  You are strong as f**k- who cares how you tell them? You’ve lived through more s**t than most people will experience in a lifetime, you’ll live through a little social awkwardness.

Tell each of them separately when you get a chance. I think it will be easier if you do it one person at a time. I think they will understand why you didn’t tell them sooner.

ifoughttheslaw −  Are you connected on social media? If so, they have probably looked back and seen your old life. They might already know.

[Reddit User] −  I wanted to add that I don’t think telling this new group of friends about your history will impact how they treat you as much as you imagine. They have never seen the accident, seen you pregnant, never met your husband, and never met Veronica.

It is harder for people to relate to these events because they have no imagery of what happened. They never saw how you felt from the accident. I think it makes it harder for people to empathize which will lead to them treating you (basically) normal after 1-2 weeks of telling them.

SavageBeaver0009 −  You’ll have to exhibit some patience after you tell them this because they will initially feel sorry for you and have pity. It’s a natural reaction to show empathy towards those you care about.

ChemICan −  I needed for people to treat me as a human. I needed to not see pity in their eyes when they looked at me. I needed them to be honest with me and not just tell me everything I did and said was the best ever because I’ve suffered enough.. Why not just say this?

Once you come clean there will be a few rapid emotions, but your FRIENDS won’t be hurt by the omission, they’ll immediately understand. Just tell them- “I don’t want pity, you’ve seen the new me, it is who I am, but this was in my past.

Now, who’s gonna ask me to dance?” I promise, this won’t be a big deal to them, but it is surely a big deal for you because you don’t want the dynamic to change. Have strength, be courageous and your friends will reward you tenfold.

Opening up about a painful past can be challenging, especially when you’ve been hiding it to protect your emotional well-being. What’s the best way to approach the truth with friends who have only known your “new” self? Should vulnerability be shared when you’re ready, or is it essential for your friendships to truly grow? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/wUcoD