I messed up really bad and said something awful to my boyfriend when I was drunk and don’t know how to fix it?

A woman deeply regrets insulting her hardworking boyfriend during a drunken outburst, calling his job “not real” and accusing him of being unable to pull his weight financially. After realizing the pain she caused—especially hearing him cry—she’s seeking advice on how to apologize and make amends. Read the full story below.

‘ I messed up really bad and said something awful to my boyfriend when I was drunk and don’t know how to fix it?’

Before I get started, I just wanna say I know I fucked up and I am the a**hole here. My boyfriend is a wonderful human being who loves me and only deserves the best. Ok so like I said, I (29f) have a wonderful, wonderful boyfriend (28m) and we live together.

He had a bit of a rough time with finding work, and he started a job at the post office where he works *very* hard and works 40-60 hours a week. I’m only saying this next part because it’s necessary to the situation, but I make more than he does and work less hours than him, and we’re struggling with some unexpected finances right now and it’s been causing some tension between us.

Last night I went to a bar with some coworkers and I stayed out later than I should’ve and came home at 2:30am pretty drunk. My boyfriend was up waiting for me and told me he was worried about me and I asked why he stayed up, and he told me he was waiting for me and I shouldn’t be out that late on a night when I have work the next day.

I don’t know why this set me off but I got VERY angry and told him he had no right giving me job advice since he doesn’t have a “real” job and can’t even afford to pull his weight like a l**er. He told me he thought I should go to bed and walked me over to my room and helped me get my shoes and dress off, and I just got in bed and lied down to go to sleep. But the worst part was as I was drifting off, I heard him crying in the bathroom.

When I woke up this morning, he had gone to work and now I’m at work hungover which sucks. However, I have no idea what to say to him now. He should be home tonight but I don’t know what I can do at this point to let him know how sorry I am and how much I do admire him and was just acting out of drunken stress last night.

He loves steak and potatoes and he’s also a big movie guy, so I was thinking of making him steak and potatoes and renting a movie, but I just don’t know.. Any advice would be appreciated.

tl;dr: last night I was drunk and told my boyfriend (who makes less than I do) that he was a l**er and that his job wasn’t a “big boy job” and I heard him crying afterwards and now I don’t know how to fix my colossal f**k up.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

NotAlwaysRight543 −  Dinner and an apology is not gonna cut it. You struck at his heart and now you will need to bare your own. Spend the day in self reflection. Be honest with yourself about whatever deep, u**y part of you wanted to say that to him. Stop pretending it isn’t there.

In that moment, you wanted to hurt him, and you had a weapon ready to go. The alcohol let it out, it didn’t create it out of whole cloth. Whatever resentments or insecurities or mean, n**ty thoughts are hiding in your head and heart need to be aired out right now.

I sound judgmental of you, but I am not. We all have those n**ty little thoughts. It is appropriate and necessary – most of the time – not to share them but to resolve them for ourselves and be better. You haven’t, so they burst out of you when you couldn’t stop them.

That is why you no longer get the privilege of resolving your ugliness (which, again, lives in ALL of us, not just you) privately. You hurt him by showing it to him, so now you gotta resolve that in a way he can see. Confess it without defensiveness. Admit it.

Only then will your apology have any real meaning. If you can’t open yourself up to him like this, vulnerable and likely to be hurt in the conversation, then I guess make him dinner or whatever. But you’ll know that it was an unworthy apology.

bagofbeanssss −  This didn’t come from nowhere. A real job is something that earns money to contribute towards living, and it seems like he has that. You need to look at yourself and your views and why you would ever even think to say that classist bs to someone you apparently love. Steak and potatoes and a movie isn’t gonna fix anything. You need to fix yourself.

critterguy1955 −  I had a similar situation. Only we were married. She pursued her dream, which i fully supported and tried to help with when able. We lived in an economically depressed area. I had a full time plus job, along with an hour each way commute. I supported us as best i could. I gave up all activities that i (previous to marriage) enjoyed. I worked evenings, weekends, and holidays helping her.

Granted, the financial rewards of my job were not great but it paid fairly well for our area. During an argument over not being able to make a purchase right away she called me a lazy worthless l**er with no motivation. Something snapped at that point. I guess the 7 day weeks for months took its toll.

Our relationship limped along for a year or so, taking on water, and slowly sinking. One day, another pretty minor argument finally torpedoed it fully and the relationship rolled over and sank. That was many years ago. Interestingly, we get along okay now.

I hope for the best for you. If i was your BF, i think your attack would be the beginning of the end for me. To be able to say something like that, drunk or not, indicates much deeper problems between you. He was showing care and concern and you struck out with a dagger to his heart. Damn….. how does he come back from that? And down deep, do you really want him to?

Myaseline −  So according to you, he spent too much time pursuing the job he wanted, eventually gave up on the dream and got a job at the PO which is physically difficult, and then you belittled him for not having a good enough job. Do you see how every part of this interaction would make him feel not good enough in a very devastating way?

Ouch. That’s so hurtful. I would say you owe him a giant heartfelt apology especially with how much men conflate their self worth with employment and financial success.

This is probably a subject you both have had strong feelings about and been wary of sharing. If you don’t have the hard discussions when things are calm and decent they’ll come out at times like this, in the worst way possible.

IUMogg −  Sounds like you should quit drinking. And I’m not sure there is coming back from this. If there is, it isn’t going to be quick

CanadasNeighbor −  Girl what? The post office has great benefits and pays pretty decent. What do you do? Is there a huge difference between your salaries?? The biggest issue you’re going to have to deal with is that you’ve now planted a seed in his mind that you cannot kill. You’ve established that you feel you’re better than him.

He tried to give you solid advice, and you threw it back in his face as if he wasn’t qualified to give it to you. Which makes no sense because he was right. You’re acting all high and mighty for a job that you’re not guaranteed to keep! You mentioned in the comments that you gave him $5k and now you don’t have a safety net.

Not to be mean, but $5k isn’t exactly doing well for yourself or rolling in the dough. If you’re in the U.S. then you’re one serious drunk injury away from losing everything. Then you’ll be a “l**er” too. You better hope that the job market remains kind to you. Because if you ever find yourself down and out on your ear, your boyfriend wouldn’t owe it to you to be gracious about it.

Matias8823 −  You think a steak is going to fix this? Jesus

agentsometime −  Yeeeahhhh, I think you meant that, even subconsciously, because that’s pretty f**king vicious. That level of vitriol doesn’t just emerge from a minor annoyance while you’re drunk.

vocalboots −  I’m actually at a loss for words. You were so cruel. I have no idea how you come back from this, because whatever you do your voice is going to be in the back of his mind repeating all that. You can’t undo the damage you’ve caused.

Arete34 −  I think the saying goes “drunken words are sober thoughts.” Why are you so hateful towards him? I think an apology won’t do much unless you fix the underlying issue.

Apologies can be powerful when paired with genuine actions to rebuild trust. How would you approach making amends after a hurtful mistake? Share your thoughts or advice below.