WIBTAH for not going to my husband’s family’s Christmas?

A Redditor, who works as a first responder, shares a dilemma about skipping their husband’s family’s Christmas gathering due to a demanding work schedule and the long drive involved. Despite agreeing in advance that the husband would attend solo, he’s now pressuring them to come after work, leading to feelings of guilt and frustration. The user wonders if they’d be wrong to stick to the original plan. Read the full story below to weigh in.

‘ WIBTAH for not going to my husband’s family’s Christmas?’

I am a first responder and have been for the last 3 years. My schedule is a rotating shift pattern (days/nights). The pattern is consistent and I can tell you what days I’m working very far in advance. Because of this, I told my entire family last year that I would be working on Christmas this year and reminded them when we saw them. This is the first time I have had to work on Christmas. My side of the family understands and we are celebrating with just my parents and siblings another day.

My husband’s family is really into Christmas. Like everyone needs to be at SIL’s house at 8am to open presents together and then we spend the entire day together. So when I asked if we could celebrate together another day over the holidays instead it got shut down with statements like “Christmas is on December 25th.” or “I don’t understand, can’t you just ask for the day off?” So I let them know my husband would be attending solo this year.

This morning while I was at work, my husband (who works a 9-5 and is enjoying his day off) texts me “it would be nice if you could come by for a couple hours tomorrow after work..” I declined because:

1. SIL lives ~90mins away, so that’s 3 hours of driving. I would be driving home alone at night with not the best weather.
2. My job can be very stressful and my social battery is drained by the time I get home.
3. We already agreed that it made more sense for me to stay home and to have him go to his parents house on Christmas Eve so they could drive over in the morning together..

Well my husband is pissed and thinks that I don’t want to spend time with his family. He’s been sending me passive aggressive texts all day trying to guilt trip me… “we don’t know how much time we have left with my parents…” It’s working because I feel like I’m letting everyone down and I don’t want his family to think I don’t want to spend Christmas with them.

WIBTAH if I stuck to our original plan instead of making an effort to go see his family tomorrow after work?. ETA.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

CoverCharacter8179 −  I work in the field of emergency services and the fact is that we, as a group, are never off duty. And unless you are going to s**ew your colleagues (and they’re going to somehow allow it), you have to take your share of holiday shifts.

My family is completely used to celebrating important occasions with me on the wrong calendar date. OP, I don’t know how long you have been with your husband, so maybe the situation is salvageable, but he needs to get with the f**king program yesterday.. NTA.

crackersucker2 −  You work emergency services. I worked emergency services for 35 years. Holidays happen when we can organize them, sometimes not on the actual holiday. My family, my inlaws – they all understood this. It’s NORMAL. So many people have military, police, hospital, firefighters, and hospitality jobs that occur 24/7/365. Your husband needs to realize your career is not like a business M-F 8-5 or whatever. You are an important part of society.

You are not a d**k, you are an important person with an important job. Your husband needs to get on board. It’s about you, not his family. DO NOT FEEL GUILT, GET THIS ISSUE SORTED. If he never understands and is going to be pressured by his family to pressure you- draw that line. You are fine. Thank you for doing the hard work of serving the public. (I’m a dispatcher and i have some cuss words if you need them!!)

Wise-Matter9248 −  NTA. Driving 3 hours in the dark after a long shift isn’t a great idea, even if it is Christmas.  Assuming you usually attend these or other family events, there is no need to claim “you don’t want to spend time with his family”. They were warned far in advance, and it’s not fair to you that they are acting surprised and hurt. 

I mean, is there some reason in particular he is using the “we don’t know how much time we have” guilt trip? Are his parents in bad health or very old?  If not, I would very politely say to his family (bc they are probably the reason husband is pressuring you), “I know you are disappointed, but told you I couldn’t come ages ago, and I would appreciate if you stopped trying to guilt trip me about something I can’t control.”

Paul_likes_it −  Looks like hubby is more interested in sucking up to his family than your safety. You are NTA. The passive aggressive guilt trip b**lshit needs to stop.

Aggressive_Cattle320 −  NTA Your husband knew about your schedule long ago. This is your job and he is well aware of all that entails. Do not let him guilt you into changing your original plans. My niece is a police officer, and her schedule constantly changes, so my sister’s family has always planned their celebrations around her work schedule. You aren’t refusing to see them, you simply asked to change the day for this year.

throwawaytodaycat −  Trying to guilt trip me… “we don’t know how much time we have left with my parents…” Oh, you’re young, do not fall for this crap. My mother started this s**t after my dad died at age 60. She passed this year at the ripe old age of 103. That was 43 years of imposing her will on her children ’cause she was always going to die next year.

NoZookeepergame9552 −  NTA – clearly your husbands family have been complaining to him. But honestly I doubt your husbands family would give this type of grief if a son-in-law had to work. And unless they are going to die before your next shift break (aka “weekend”) I don’t see how them being old matters. Your husband can take a day off from his work and drive you 90 minutes each way to create a second Christmas celebration with them if it is that important you celebrate with them.

heybigirl −  NTA – nobody wants to have to drive 3 hours after a long day ag work, specially a first responder! they should be understanding.

Angelphish410 −  NTA, I bet they like knowing that if they call 911…someone will answer. That someone makes sacrifices to be able to answer the emergency call, so we have to make sacrifices as well. They should be thanking you instead giving you a guilt trip. I’m sure his family is giving him one so he’s giving you one. Using calling 911 as an example, don’t know what your exact job is but all first responders deserve thanks for the sacrifices they make.

FlyonthewallofRed −  Get your husband’s IQ checked. He sounds a bit ‘slow on the uptake’. What part of, I am working in Emergency Services is so difficult to grasp??