My wife (30F) admitted to a drunken one night stand last weekend and it has turned me (32M) into a robot?

A man reveals his emotional numbness after discovering that his wife had a drunken one-night stand during a visit to her family. Despite years of trust and a seemingly strong marriage, he feels detached and is now questioning whether reconciliation is possible. He is in the process of legal consultations and has distanced himself from everyone, even Kate. Read his full update below.

‘ My wife (30F) admitted to a drunken one night stand last weekend and it has turned me (32M) into a robot?’

I (32M) have been married to my wife Kate (30F) for 4 years, together for 9. Our relationship has been amazing, loving and supportive. We have good communication, hardly ever argue and our bedroom life has gone from strength to strength over the years. We discussed cheating in the past and I was always clear that we would be over if it ever happened.

Kate went home to visit her family last weekend which was fairly normal. Before she left on the Friday night, we had a minor argument about keeping the house tidy so our communication was limited on Saturday but I knew she was going out to meet some friends at a bar. I trusted her 100% so didn’t think anything of it.

Before I fell asleep, I text her saying that I hope she had a nice night. When I woke up on Sunday morning I had a missed call from Kate at 4 am so I immediately called her to check if she was okay but no answer. After a few hours I tried again a few times but still no answer. Around an hour later I got a message saying she was fine and was driving back soon.

Kate got home late afternoon and looked awful. She had clearly been crying, was not wearing any makeup (unusual for her) and looked like a shell of a person. I knew right away something was wrong but she wouldn’t let me hug her and would barely speak. I sat her down on the couch and made her some tea.

I gently encouraged her to tell me what was wrong and she burst into uncontrollable tears for at least 10 minutes while I was trying to comfort her. She then proceeded to tell me, stopping every few words, that she had slept with someone last night after the bar.

At that moment, something in my brain broke. I can’t describe it any other way. I immediately got up and jumped in my car and drove off. I went to a park and walked around it for about an hour. Kate was calling my phone constantly and I turned it off.

When I got home, I grabbed two suitcases from the garage and went to our bedroom. I threw some of Kate’s clothes and shoes into them and left them by the front door. Kate was lying on the floor in the living room, curled up into a ball sobbing. I called her best friend who lives nearby and told her that Kate needed a place to stay and a ride to her place and that Kate could explain everything to her later.

I told Kate I was leaving for an hour and that her friend was coming to pick her up. She grabbed on to my legs trying to stop me from leaving. When I returned home again, Kate was gone and so were the cases.

On Monday, with a clearer head, I answered one of Kate’s many calls and told her that I needed her to send me an email with as much details as possible of that night and if she leaves anything out, there will be no hope of reconciliation. I received this email on Monday night but still haven’t opened it.

Since then, everyone has been trying to contact me but I have just been working, exercising and sleeping. One of her friends turned up at my house with an attitude demanding an explanation, I told her to speak to Kate and closed the door in her face.

I have also been speaking to divorce lawyers, have moved money into separate accounts and blocked Kate and all of her friends on everything. Everything I have done since I found out seems like I have been on autopilot.

I don’t feel angry, upset or overly emotional. Just numb. Kate posted a note through the door yesterday asking me to meet tomorrow but I’m conflicted. Should I meet her? Will it change anything? Is there any point in trying to reconcile? Is it normal to feel like a robot and how do I snap out of this?

Edit: I just want to add that when I came home the first time, Kate confirmed it was consensual. She was drunk but knew what she was doing.

Tldr: wife cheated out of the blue and I have been going through the motions since finding out

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

seart −  Hey, I am really sorry. I will speak from experience, being numb, after finding out, was one of the main feelings that you will have. And it’s totally okay to take a pause for as long as you need, before you make a single decision. Need months? Take months. You dont owe anybody anything at this moment. And good job setting up boundaries.

Regarding wether to read that e-mail or not, think about it before doing so. Generally there are two types of people: the ones that want to know as less info as possible and the ones that want to know every single detail there is. How it felt, how and what they have done.

I, personally, did want to know every detail, i would say it helped me. Definitely caused me to imagine how it happened many many times. Sometimes I wonder if i would be better of not knowing. She does seem remorseful, she did admit it herself and as soon as she could in person.

This will ruin things, big time, magic will be forever gone, i promise you. 100% trust will never be back again, but 90-95% is possible. But there will always be that doubt in your head every time she will leave the house. You can definitely live with it, you can become stronger as a couple even in some areas.

That’s all possible and will tremendously depend on her, the work she is ready to do, but unfortunately for you, you will have to do a lot of work too. It will seem unfear, but that’s a reality. We all said that we will never forgive infidelity. But i tried staying, i stayed for 1.5 years.

Did the work, read the books, watched videos, did a lot of talking etc. I personlly couldn’t get over it. My psychotherapist said that everybody takes it differently, some can live with it, some cannot. I took it as 10/10. It made me shell of a person for those 1.5 years. It affected my next relationship.

If you can take it, if you can do the work, if you know she will give you the compassion and understanding, that she is ready to do ANYTHING to help you, it might be possible. But keep in mind that post infidelity relationship is very different and have very different rules.

If you will decide to go to psychotherapist, get the one that specializes on infidelity, whatever will be required to reconcile could be considered controlling and unhealthy by regular psychotherapists.. I hope you the best, my friend.

[Reddit User] −  If you have someone you trust, I recommend that you spend as much time as possible. You say that right now you don’t feel anything but sooner or later the feelings are going to hit you and if you keep all that in it will be worse.

deej363 −  First off. Take a second to breathe. Whether you want to divorce her or not can wait. You’re going forward at 100 mph without giving yourself any time to even process what happened. You need to stop moving. You need to legitimately process what happened. And to do that you need information.

[Reddit User] −  Honestly I would do exactly the same thing as you. Cheating is a huge deal breaker for me. There would be not fixing it for me. So unless you think there may be any chance to work it out I’d say your doing everything right.

If youre unsure keep everything as is and if you’ve talked to a lawyer already hold off on filling for divorce and maybe talk to a therapist first to sort your feelings. She knew how you felt about cheating and there’s no excuse she can give to justify it. If she loved you and respected you she wouldn’t of done it period. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Reddit User] −  I’m sorry. This is one of the few times I’ve read about cheating where it feels like the c**ater is actually remorseful……….but I couldn’t continue on. Some things you can’t come back from and cheating is one of those things for me. I could never trust again when trust has been broken in such a back-stabbing way.

KelceStache −  Besides asking her why, it will be her begging for forgiveness. She won’t have a why. She made a lot of choices that led to her sleeping with another guy. You will never trust her. She wouldn’t be able to go home alone because you won’t trust her.

Your reaction tells me that you immediately fell out of love with your wife and you immediately accepted that your marriage is over. She threw it all away, not you. Don’t forget that.

Thecardinal74 −  it’s going to take time before your emotions kick in. The lack of feeling is 100% normal. It’s shock. It’s good you have the email. Scan it to make sure it really is what it’s supposed to be, no need to pore through the details until you are ready.

Then.. if you decide to more forward with the divorce, you have all the evidence you need. If you have more of her friends or her family getting in your face, *you have all the evidence you need* My advice is to separate, for at least 3 months, preferably 6.

Give yourself time to process this. Maybe this is something you can get past at some point…

-It wasn’t an emotional affair

-She was drunk, felt the rush of the attention and the taboo and acted on it.

-She confessed immediately.

-She is remorseful

There are a lot of paths that could lead to reconciliation. It will take a lot of work on her part and a lot of effort on yours to rebuild any semblance of trust. Not saying it’s likely, just saying it’s possible. And during the separation you can take the time to assess living without her.

You can have time to see if life is better without her because of what happened, or better with her even though what happened did (if you are still feeling like there’s a path towards reconciliation)

And if not, then you can proceed with the divorce, but this time it will be based on thought and calculation, not on raw emotion. Don’t make any major decisions now. Let your emotions run their course. But in the meantime, understand that your emotions (or lack thereof) are normal. And the way you are handling things right now is the right way.

Speak with the lawyers. Get the information you need, so when the time comes to make a decision, you are fully informed and confident that you are making the right decision for you.

Remember, at the end of the day nobody is looking out for you, so it’s on you to look out for yourself and what’s in your best interest. Give yourself the chance to make the best decision for yourself, and to do that, give yourself time. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You don’t deserve this.

Billy10milly −  You are doing great. Keep it up. This is what dignity looks like.

broadsharp2 −  Do not meet her until you’ve spoken to a divorce attorney to see exactly what ending your marriage will look like. Do not meet her until you have a clear mind and are thinking rationally. Right now you’re probably too emotional. Do not engage until you have calmed.

Do not meet her until you Speak with someone you trust and ask their opinion. Only one or two people. Listen to what they say. She can wait. She destroyed your marriage. You take control and do what’s best for you. Her trying to talk it out is her feeble attempt to make herself feel better. Hell with that.

WalkingTaco42 −  For perspective, cheaters don’t usually fess up that easily. But I also get it, it sucks. I think asking for the details (you may not want to know them) is hard. That she’s giving them to you is something I would have killed to have. I had kids with the person who cheated on me so I was wanting to try and reconcile. If I didn’t, I don’t think I would be ok staying.

Something to consider, most states have a “no fault” divorce rule. What that means is infidelity doesn’t really give you any less power in a divorce. You making her move out really needs to be explained as her choosing to leave. Speaking to a divorce attorney will clarify, but I’d be careful about some of the steps you are taking.

At the end of the day, I was justifying my situation in that neither of us were virgins when we met. The trouble I had is that in her mind she had justified cheating on me and that was something I couldn’t as easily forgive.. Good luck

Have you ever felt numb after a betrayal like this? What do you think would be the best path forward in such a situation? Share your insights and advice below.