I (18F) found out that my mom (42F) has been lying about why my dad (45M) “abandoned” me 15 years ago. I don’t know how to move forward.

An 18-year-old shares the emotional discovery that her mother, who raised her alone, lied about why her father “abandoned” her. After reconnecting with her father, she learns the truth: her parents divorced due to his sexuality, and her mother prevented contact out of misguided beliefs. Now, she struggles to reconcile her anger toward her mother while reconnecting with her father and his new family. Read the full story below.

‘ I (18F) found out that my mom (42F) has been lying about why my dad (45M) “abandoned” me 15 years ago. I don’t know how to move forward.’

For most of my life I was just raised by my mother, since my father left us when I was 3, and we are very close. My mom has always been vague about the details of the divorce, just that it was very painful and sudden, and that he never had interest in getting custody of me.

A couple months ago I was going through documents looking for my birth certificate, and I came across their divorce papers. Surprisingly, my mom was listed as the one who filed for divorce, contradicting her story that he left us. I figured there must have been a reason for this, like him being a**sive, but I know that my mom is sensitive about the topic so I didn’t want to bring it up. I asked my aunt, her sister, but I was just told to drop it.

It’s been bugging me, so I found him on Facebook. His profile was completely private, but his profile picture showed him with a little boy, who must be my brother. I found his business email online, and against my better judgement I emailed him asking if he would like to meet for coffee. He agreed.

Last week we met, and he was completely not what I was expecting. He was THRILLED to see me, almost cried, and wanted to hear everything I had been up to for the past 15 years. I asked why he left, and that’s when I got his side of the story:

Towards the end of their marriage, my father confessed to my mom that he is bisexual, and that during high school and college he had a serious boyfriend. He was ashamed of his sexuality, which was why he hid it from my more traditional mom. My mom was angry, but didn’t divorce him because of it.

After the divorce he began dating his boyfriend again, and my mom freaked out over me being “exposed” to this. My mom petitioned for full custody, and was granted it. Over the years my father has attempted to reach out to my mom about me, but she has never budged.

I asked my mom about what really happened, no b**lshit. I told her dad’s side of the story, and she tearfully admitted that it was true. She insists it was not out of anger or bigotry, but because she genuinely believed that it was best for me to stay with her.

I am just so shocked still. She lied to me for years, making me think my own father did not want me. My dad and I are reconnecting now, but I have missed so much. Next week I am going to meet his husband and my 7 year old brother. I live with my mom, but I can’t speak to her right now. She is begging me to forgive her, but I’m so angry and I don’t know how I’ll ever not be angry with her.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

garazhaka −  I’ve never been in your situation, but one thing I’d suggest, given such a big event happening to you, is to give yourself time and allow yourself to not to have to make any decisions for a while

hello-kittie −  Look, I say this as a gay person. 15 years ago, the culture around sexuality was ENTIRELY different from what it is now. Gay was still an insult in 2005. It was still an insult in 2010. Gay marriage hasn’t been legal in the US for more than five years, and bisexuality is even more misunderstood.

It’s possible your mother DID think she was doing the right thing, and DOES realize she did the wrong thing, and because of that I really think how she responds to this NEW situation should determine how you proceed forward.

The reality of being a human is that we make mistakes. Sometimes we make really, really big mistakes, or mistakes that shouldn’t reasonably have happened, or a series of mistakes one after the other. Only the people around us can decide if those mistakes are forgivable. There’s not a grading system for these things- talk to her about it.

EDIT: yikes, this has turned into a bear of an argument. glad to be of service stirring the pot, I guess. I’m happy to see this resonated with some folks. thanks for the awards; I’ve never gotten any!

WhoChoseThis −  This is wild and you have every right to be upset. Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t feel a certain way, or make you rush through the feeling process. Just because someone is begging for forgiveness does not mean you have to grant it immediately. If you are not allowed to experience your feelings start to finish they will linger for a lot longer than is healthy for you, or the people in the situation.

Enjoy being happy to reconnect with your father, and relish in having a brother. But also allow yourself to feel hurt and betrayed because they are all valid to you. I hope once you have processed the good and the bad feelings you are able to reconnect with your mother, but make sure it is on your terms. Hopefully you can come out of this with a bigger and more open family group than you started with.

KiIIOurDemons −  This actually one story on this sub I can attest to. My wife kind of has a similar story to yours. Her parents got married and had her. When she was like a year old her parents got a divorce because her dad was gay. Her father was from Brazil and was here for school.

He had limited contact with my wife when she was growing up from like 3-7 years old, but one day he “disappeared” according to my mother in law. My mother in-law said that he didn’t want her and wanted nothing to do with her.

Years go by, my wife grows up thinking her dad didn’t love her didn’t want anything with her until one day, when she’s like 18 gets a text from a random number saying it’s her dad. Turns out that her dad was deported back to Brazil because he had over stayed his visa and because of American immigration law, since he overstayed the visa, can’t come back to America.

He had also been trying to reach out to my wife for her entire childhood, sending birthday, Christmas, just saying hi, sending it to my mother in laws phone because my mother in law wouldn’t give him my wife’s number. So he sent her screen shots of all of this showing that her dad really did care about her and that her mom hadn’t let him have any contact.

My wife confronted her mom and they haven’t had the same relationship since. My wife and her dad on the other hand have got super close and talk on FaceTime and the phone at least once a week. They’re trying to figure out how to meet up. All that time say, catch up with your dad.

Make up for lost time. Don’t hold what your mom did against your dad. As for your mom, your relationship probably is gonna change with her. I know for my wife she doesn’t have a lot of trust in anything that her mom says and the only time we go over to their house is to see her siblings, but that kind of lie will do that. I really hope you and your dad have a great time catching up and that you don’t hold it against him!

tokynambu −  Traditional (presumably as a euphemism for religious) enough to make a huge thing about a past same-s** relationship.. Modern enough to get a divorce.. How convenient.

rhondavalley −  First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you. I can only imagine the sense of loss over those years you could have had with your dad, and how upset you must be with your mom over lying to you. Give yourself the space to feel that. You could tell your mother that you need time and space to come to terms with what happened an that you would like her to respect that.

If it helps, this process is a lot like grieving. You’re basically grieving two parents: the dad you could have had growing up, and the mom you thought you had. That’s an immense shock for anyone to deal with, so of course you might get o**rwhelmed. You might get super angry. You might get intensely sad.

You might even feel nothing towards either of your parents. Anything can happen in this time and that’s okay. As long as you’re not being harmful or cruel to yourself or others, it’s all fine. Grief is very personal, so no one gets to tell you what you should or shouldn’t be feeling.

If you want to, it could be helpful to write letters. To your mom, to your dad, maybe even to your new sibling, or even to yourself. Writing helps you process things and may help clear your mind a little. You don’t have to send them if you don’t want, but you could use them as a starting point to open the conversation if you’re ready to do so.

somexsrain −  I’m so sorry that happened to you. Something Kind of similar happened, where my mother kept me from my father and lied about it to me for years. Kids are not pawns!!

When I finally found out the truth, I was so upset that I wasn’t able to have her in my life. I called her out, of course she denied it. And that combination of things made me want nothing to do with her.

ottoneurseolo −  She lied to me for years, making me think my own father did not want me. You have enough here that you would be justified in cutting all contact with your mom if you want to go that route. **For her to deny you the ability to see your dad for 15 YEARS is despicable of her.**

shadoxalon −  She insists it was not out of anger or bigotry, but because she genuinely believed that it was best for me to stay with her. Utter b**lshit. Tell her to list the reasons why he was *so unfit to parent she had to lie like this*. I guarantee she’ll dance circles around the truth to avoid looking like a bigot.

PrehensileUvula −  I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just be blunt – Your mom hated him more than she loved you. Your pain was an acceptable price for her to hurt him. I’m so sorry.

Family dynamics can be complex, and feelings of betrayal run deep. How would you approach rebuilding trust while navigating this new chapter of family relationships? Share your thoughts or similar experiences below.