My Husband (30M) intends to ask me (29F) to open the marriage. How do I tell him I have no intention of letting him near my future baby or me for that matter?

A woman, 24 weeks pregnant, discovers her husband Victor’s plans to propose an open relationship so he can pursue his “work wife,” Alicia. Despite their agreement that infidelity or crossing boundaries would be a dealbreaker, Victor’s betrayal leaves her devastated.

She gathers evidence, moves to her brother’s house, and plans to consult a lawyer. Now, she seeks advice on how to confront Victor and ensure their child isn’t raised in a home where such behavior is normalized. Read her full story below.

‘ My Husband (30M) intends to ask me (29F) to open the marriage. How do I tell him I have no intention of letting him near my future baby or me for that matter?’

Victor and I met 5 years ago and we’ve been married for almost 3. When we were dating, I told him that, under no circumstances, would I condone cheating. If he cheated and I found out about it, that’s it. I’d cut off all contact and he’d never see or hear from me again.

If we were married and/or have kids, we’d only go through our lawyers. He told me he was glad I had standards and the past 5 years were great. Not perfect. But I believed we were happy. We decided to try for a baby last year. My due date is in 16 weeks. I was over the moon happy and I believed he was too.

He told me when we were dating that he didn’t care if we had only boys but he always wanted to have at least one little girl for him to pamper and spoil. When we learned the baby was a girl, he cried and told me I was the best wife in the world. That was until last weekend.

Victor went out to get groceries but left his phone in our room by accident. I decided to take it down to the kitchen so he wouldn’t be scrambling looking for it when he got home. As I was walking to the kitchen, a text message popped up. It was from his “work wife” Alicia (31F). It said “So the plan’s on?”

I don’t know why but something about this made me suspicious. Victor is the type of man who uses the same passcode for everything so I was able to access his phone. Well. I checked his messages…and I learned that he intended to ask me to open the relationship so he and Alicia can start going out.

I’ve never met an open relationship that’s ever worked out and a number of people I’ve talked to have told me that an open relationship is usually because “someone is already cheating and wants to continue guilt free or has someone in the wings”.

And it’s clear that if he and Alicia aren’t sleeping together, they certainly intend to. I was able to get screenshots of the text messages going back as far as I could and sent them to myself. I’ve also packed a bag and headed to my older brother’s (Oliver, 32M) house (he opened his doors to me when I told him what happened).

As I didn’t want Victor to know that I know, I just left a note saying that Oliver had an unexpected emergency and I headed over to help him. Victor just asked me to stay in contact and he loved me. I have an appointment with a lawyer in a few days.

Honestly? I feel disgusted. This man knew the whole time that I’m not going to play these kind of games and he went ahead and decided to f**k around and find out. But I don’t want to play my hand just yet. Maybe I’m being petty but I want to catch him as off guard as he caught me off guard.

I don’t want my baby to be around a man who believes it’s okay to make a promise to be loyal and faithful but decide to break it to chase some tail. What kind of message does that send to a child, especially a girl? I don’t care if he wins Father of the Year.

He still thinks it’s okay to treat the woman he vowed to love, cherish and honor for the rest of his life like a side piece. Victor has been trying to call and text me, asking if I’m ok.

Oliver has been texting him back as me because I don’t think I can talk to Victor without blowing my top. What do I do now? How do I tell him that not only did he chose Alicia over me but I don’t want my baby to grow up believing this kind of thing is okay?

 

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

degeneratescholar −  What do I do now? You speak to an attorney and follow their advice. Then you get some therapy, to prepare yourself to co-parent, because in most instances even a cheating spouse doesn’t loose all access to their child.

Black_Coffee88 −  You cool down and don’t do anything until you speak to a lawyer. You also research coparenting because like it or not, that’s the boat for the next 18years and the parental alienation game will f up a kid quick.

jaydenB44 −  He really expected his pregnant wife, who voiced her boundaries from the beginning, to withstand the humiliation of being asked for an open marriage? The man is beyond stupid.

Alibeee64 −  Lawyer up and get your ducks in a row before you let him know you plan to separate. Banking, important documents, etc and anything else he might be able to use to try and control you

DrunkOnRedCordial −  Keep in mind, your STBX might actually be planning to cheat on you without discussing the open marriage with you directly; he’s probably just told his work wife about the open marriage plan so she feels at ease with the situation.

Just a relatively minor technicality, it doesn’t change the fact that this relationship is not for you.. Stay strong!

ForsakenAd288 −   I don’t want my baby to be around a man who believes it’s okay to make a promise to be loyal and faithful but decide to break it to chase some tail. This is not within your control. The father will be given access to his daughter unless something truly horrendous happens. In most states, the father would be given some form of joint custody .

[Reddit User] −  You do exactly what your lawyer advises you to do. How custody and child support play out may depend partly on things like who is on the birth certificate and whether your partner is on a putative fathers registry if that’s a thing where you are, so you need to move ahead with the lawyer ASAP exactly as you are doing.

Your lawyer might or might not advise you to be the one who moves out, depending on specifics of your housing situation and your local laws, so I think you should really hold off on making any announcements to your partner if at all possible.

If the advice is move back home, tell your partner you’re done, and ask him to leave, you want that to be an option on the table. Don’t worry about whether or not you can catch him off guard – petty revenge might be satisfying but you need to stay focused on what’s best for your child.

That goes for support, shared custody, and keeping some sort of minimal civil contact with your soon to be ex in the long run. Don’t go for the low blow now, in the long run you’ll be making what you have to do harder for yourself.

[Reddit User] −  The urge to get him back and surprise him, etc is not one that will actually help you. It will be a time and energy sink, make things harder if you go to court, and probably not bring you lasting peace. Take a little time to gather yourself, process what’s going on, and think about your priorities.

ryotwarloutret48 −  From personal experience, it sounds like your STBX was already cheating and just wants to legitimize his infidelity. Good on you for having standards and getting out of a toxic relationship before the baby arrives. You deserve better.