My (F41) husband (M39) didn’t get me a birthday present, despite reminders and I am so disappointed and angry. Is this a breakup level offence?

A Redditor shared their deep disappointment after their husband of 12 years failed to get them a birthday gift, despite reminders and clear communication about their wishes. This neglect follows a similar incident the previous year, where a promised spa day never materialized.

The poster compares their husband’s lack of effort to the significant effort he put into helping a friend, which has heightened feelings of neglect. Now, they’re questioning whether this lack of care signals deeper issues in their relationship. Read the original story below.

‘ My (F41) husband (M39) didn’t get me a birthday present, despite reminders and I am so disappointed and angry. Is this a breakup level offence?’

Last year when I (F41) turned 40, my husband of 12 years (M39) gave me a handmade note staying “happy birthday! I’ll treat you to the spa”. That spa visit never materialized of course. This year, I sent him links to jewellery I would like ($25-50.

Money is no issue, we both save north of $5000 each every month and live a very comfy life). My birthday was a month ago. He didn’t get me anything. I raised it with him after a week and said it made me sad that he didn’t get my anything and I’d love something little.

He said he wanted to get me noise cancelling headphones but hadn’t bought them because he wanted to check in with me first.
It’s been 3 weeks now, and of course I still haven’t gotten anything. He turns 40 in a month. I want to be petty and give him a handmade note saying that I’ll treat him to the spa…

The thing that upsets me is that a friend of ours turned 40 and her husband gave her a really expensive gift ($8500) that needed assembling. My husband spent 3 entire weekends helping them put the thing together. And he spent exactly 0 seconds on me , even after I said it would mean a lot to me.

I am too low maintenance, am I not? And he obviously doesn’t care very deeply. I don’t want to bring it up again, because I know I will just be more disappointed. But really, this isn’t normal, is it? Time for a divorce?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

alchemyandArsenic −  Then stop raising the conversation and sit this grown ass man down and tell him that you don’t appreciate him spending three weekends making another man’s wife’s present when he couldn’t bother to get you anything.  Quit letting him worm his way out of it because you want to wait three or four weeks on him.

Ask him why he doesn’t care enough about something that you expressed that you cared about. Be direct.  Make your decision from there , but it doesn’t sound like your husband likes you very much. 

jamicam −  “I understand that we are not exchanging gifts or doing anything special for birthdays. That’s too bad, I would have liked us to do that for each other. Just giving you the heads-up for your bday next month – I will not be planning anything for it.”

Outside-Ad-1677 −  You need have a sit down conversation and use “I statements”. “I felt unloved etc when my birthday was ignored, I still haven’t got the headphones”. “I expected XYZ”. “I wanted more”.

“My feelings were really hurt”. “I’m feeling resentful and now don’t want to do anything for your birthday”“I need XYZ to happen to fix this issue”. Then see what he does. If he continues to f**k it up, you know it’s deliberate.

False-Impression8102 −  You should book a day at the spa on his birthday and pick up a gas station car deodorizer or something to give him the next day. “Oh, I guess it was your birthday yesterday. Here”

Actually, that would make me feel like a j**k, and your relationship won’t be improved by a race to the bottom. I’d probably ask him about his birthday plans as a way to re-open the conversation.

“honestly, I was going to ditch you on your birthday and treat myself to the spa day you promised but never delivered, just so you could see how hurtful it is, but I don’t think that’s the right way to improve things. Can we talk about how we handle birthdays? Because I’m feeling hurt and resentful enough it’s damaging our relationship”

00Lisa00 −  Just don’t do anything. If he asks why say “oh I thought we aren’t doing birthdays anymore since you haven’t gotten me anything in a couple of years”

Temporary-Charge-851 −  No this isn’t normal, and yes, leave him if he doesn’t make you feel loved and secure in your relationship. You should have many years ahead of you, and you deserve to not feel unloved, ignored, and disrespected for the rest of it.

And the IRONY of helping his friend assemble the friend’s wife’s birthday gift, when he gave you NOTHING! It’s time to see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row as far as protecting yourself financially.

Then divorce. Life isn’t always ruled by the big things. A string of little things can be just as hurtful and harmful; maybe even more so. Good luck to you.

Angel-4077 −  I sugest you book yourself a whole Spa week/weekend on his birthday and leave him by himself for a few days to get a taster of what divorce feels like.

Ancient_Star_111 −  No party, no gift and absolutely no head’s up. While you’re out getting a massage on his birthday, really think about all the different ways he neglects you. People marry at the level of their self esteem.

truckyeahman −  It is for me, especially after the friend’s wife’s present thing. What could possibly be done to salvage the relationship at this point? Anything he does now just stinks of being forced. If he suddenly realizes his mistakes when you ask for a separation, then that just proves he doesn’t give a s**t how you feel, just how it affects *him.*

I don’t have much patience for this kind of s**t. If you are just worried that you look petty divorcing over this, I don’t think you look petty at all. You look fed up and like you are trying to remember your worth.

Haunting-Comb-9723 −  Be extra petty and give him divorce papers that are gift wrapped

Do you think forgetting a partner’s birthday gift, despite reminders, is a sign of deeper relationship issues? Is it a communication problem or a lack of care? How would you address this kind of disappointment with your partner? Share your thoughts below!