My (34M) wife (31F) is having a meltdown over our daughter’s personality and I don’t know what to do. What should I do?

A Redditor shared their dilemma about the tension between their wife and stepdaughter. Their wife, who had a stereotypical “girly girl” upbringing, is disappointed by their daughter’s gothic and introverted personality. Despite their daughter’s clear self-expression and happiness with her “horror game protagonist” aesthetic.

The wife continues to pressure her to adopt a more traditional and feminine identity, even having a meltdown over a hair dye decision. The Redditor, caught between their wife’s desires and their daughter’s independence, seeks advice on how to handle this strained family dynamic. Read the full story below…

‘ My (34M) wife (31F) is having a meltdown over our daughter’s personality and I don’t know what to do. What should I do?’

I’m a 34 year old guy, and I have a 16 year old stepdaughter. My wife is 31. In highschool, my wife was a “popular girl” stereotype. Pink, blonde chunky highlights in her brown hair, this was the mid-late 2000s. She was on the cheerleading team, had lots of friends and boyfriends, was well known and liked.

She was basically the living embodiment of the picture perfect girl from those cheesey 2000s highschool movies. And then she got pregnant. When she was 15, she had her daughter. She doesn’t know who the father is, and any potential fathers for the girl up and left way back when. Her daughter is recently 16.

I never wanted kids, I found them annoying. But I fell in love with my wife and got married when she was 20 and I was 23 after dating for 2 years. We hit it off, and I married her and decided to s**k it up around the kid. I never planned to absolutely love being a dad to her specifically.

Kids still annoy me, but my daughter (step daughter technically) was different. She was quiet, nerdy even at a young age. I married her mother when she was 5, and we clicked right away. We went on daddy-daughter dates every weekend. I played dolls with her.

Let her paint my nails and do makeup on me. I drove her to and from school in my cop car. We even did daddy-daughter duo costumes for Halloween. Over the past two years she’s developed a darker dress style.

I don’t know what the proper subculture of her outfits are, but according to her she’s dressing like a horror game protagonist and a Monster High character. Purple is her main color she incorporates into this specific “aesthetic blend” as she calls it.

I don’t get it, but maybe that’s because I’m a man in my 30s, I don’t know. She likes ghosts, tarot cards, vampires, zombies, aliens, creepy victorian dolls. I don’t get it, but also I don’t care because if it makes her happy so what?

She’s also an introvert, and prefers to play games on her computer or read fantasy occult novels rather than hangout with other teens her age. She has friends, so I’m not too worried about her being completely withdrawn. I’m just glad I don’t have to drive her around since she only has a learner’s permit currently.

My wife hates this. My wife always wanted a girly girl. Pinks and pastels and flowers and all that. She wants our daughter to get a boyfriend, be more social, be a cheerleader like she was. Which, in itself is valid.

I get it, I’m sure most every parents has preferences for what they want their kid to turn out like, and some disappointment when they stray from that fantasy is valid. Some. My wife will constantly takes and hides my daughter’s darker room decor.

She constantly gets pastel dresses for our daughter, tells her to wipe off her dark eye makeup, tries to set her up on dates with jock types from my daughter’s school, and convince her to sign up for both school and summer activities like cheerleading or volleyball.

I could have put up with all of that, I really could have. But a few weeks ago I woke up to my wife finally hitting finally hitting her breaking point. I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife screaming and having what I can confidently describe as a borderline meltdown.

She was crying and saying all she ever wanted was a normal daughter who likes pink, and is a cheerleader and has a boyfriend and will give her grandkids. I had to drag her out the hallway after 30 minutes of this. I kept thinking it would stop, but it kept going on and on.

My daughter was just staring at this whole thing in the doorway of her room. What caused this meltdown from my wife? My daughter dyed purple over the blonde streaks/highlights my wife had forced her to get in her hair.

Which wasn’t even breaking a house rule, as my wife and I have both told her she can do whatever she wants with her hair as long as she doesn’t stain too many towels. It’s been weeks, and my daughter won’t talk to her mom. My wife is still up with her antics, but now it’s in overdrive.

Everyday she brings home some type of trendy clothing in pink or pastels and tries to give it to my daughter. My daughter is getting fed up and stays in her room all day, and has confessed to me she can’t wait for school to start back up in a few weeks so she can get out the house and be with her friends again.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to “side” with anyone in this situation. I understand my wife wants a daughter who she can relate, and my daughter wants a mom who understands her. I don’t know what I can or should do. I need help. I need advice.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

lnctech −  My mom wanted me to be a version of her when I was a teenager too. She lost it on me and my father didn’t protect me either. He defended my mom. 30 yrs later I have a strained relationship with them both. Protect your kid and go tell your wife to get help with her trauma.

PreparationScared −  You need to get a professional involved. You and your wife together, or just you if she refuses. She is doing real harm to your daughter and you have let it go on much too long. Your wife doesn’t get to decide who her daughter should be, and she sounds deeply disturbed.

Even_Budget2078 −  You need to side with your daughter. Your wife’s behavior is controlling, a**sive, and deeply inappropriate. She does not get to decide who her daughter is. Her (and your) daughter is her own person. She’s not a mini-me of anyone.

Does your wife want her to get pregnant at 15? Sorry to be so aggressive, but it’s time to be blunt here. Does your wife want her to be a teenage mom who “doesn’t know who the father is”? Really? I don’t think so. Do you? Nothing you’ve described about your daughter is harmful or worrying. Literally nothing.

And that’s really important because that’s the only **valid** reason to interfere. Not because mom wants her to like a certain color or wear certain clothes. There’s nothing “valid” about that. Your daughter sounds like a cool kid and even still who she is now doesn’t mean anything about who she will become.

I was the piercing obsessed (13), hair dyed, hippie teen who now is a law professor. I’m still me and also someone very different from teenage me. Let your daughter be who she is right now and hope that she allows you to get to know who future her is.

If you don’t stand up for her now, that’s the cool person you’re going to miss out on and she will be right to distance from both of you.
ETA: So a day later and on a much less serious note, but these Monster High characters are super stylish!

There’s a Lady Gaga collab doll! I bet your daughter looks cool and stylish in her outfits and somebody needs to tell your wife “stop trying to make pastel happen” and, to steal from my goddaughter’s favorite retort, if she’s 31, your wife’s style was popular *last century*

matchamagpie −  You need to take a “side”. Not taking a side is being complicit in allowing your wife to make your daughter’s life a living hell, and your daughter will be staying far away from you and her mom once she is 18.

Your home is no longer a safe place for her. Your wife is not a safe person for her and you are not a safe person for her if you don’t do anything. Do the right thing by your daughter. Stand up for her.

ProfPlumDidIt −  I don’t want to “side” with anyone in this situation. I Whether you wanted to be or not, you ARE this girl’s dad, and, as such, you have a duty to protect her from all harm, including emotional harm caused by her mother. That means you HAVE to choose a side, and it has to be your daughter’s side.

Your wife cares more about not getting the daughter she wanted than she cares about loving the daughter she has. In fact, she’s deliberately harming the daughter she has because she refuses to accept who she is.

Your wife is 100% in the wrong here, and she’s honestly acting like an emotionally a**sive p**cho and is doing permanent harm to your daughter that will take her years of therapy to heal from…. IF she lives long enough to escape her mother and get therapy.

Kids who aren’t accepted by their parents for who they are are fairly high risk for taking their own lives.
She needs you to advocate for and protect her. Your wife’s disappointment that her child isn’t the clone she hoped for is her own b**lshit to deal with in therapy, which she desperately needs.

RubyJuneRocket −  Your wife needs therapy. Your wife needs to understand that your daughter is a human being and not a doll. She has her own wants and needs and if your wife keeps this s**t up, your daughter isn’t going to have a relationship with her mother as an adult.

Tell your wife to read “I’m Glad My Mom Died” and ask her if that’s what she wants for her daughter. Because that’s how she’s acting. Not the physical abuse, but the mental abuse.

When you treat a child like a prop, meant to fulfill some role, in service of your own goals in life… eventually the child is going to have a come to Jesus moment and just cut mom off.

You have a big problem on your hands because your wife is literally not seeing your daughter as a person separate to herself. This is narcissistic behavior.  Healthy, adjusted people understand their role in their children’s life is to teach, support and care for them, whoever they become.

People like your wife think a child is an accessory. Also SIDE WITH YOUR KID, are you serious?? Your daughter needs to know she is free to be WHOEVER SHE WANTS. It isn’t up to her mother to dictate her life and you need to put your damn foot down and support your daughter.

TrueCrimeMama −  Your wife needs serious medical intervention. And you need to take your daughter’s side. I’m a more alternative mom (dark clothes, piercings, tattoos, etc.) with a girly little girl. Think unicorns, rainbows, glitter, the whole 9 yards! I couldn’t love my daughter more. She’s my favorite person.

She also knows what she likes and is free to express herself however she pleases. I can still remember my parents arguing about me when I was a teenager and hearing, “why can’t she just be NORMAL?! Why is she such a freak?!” It’s stuck with me for 20 years. Don’t traumatize your child the same way.

CloudySide7 −  I don’t think your wife is malicious. She sounds traumatized. And she needs therapy. She had a baby at 15. For most, that’s a sophomore in highschool. *Maybe* she was a junior if she had a late birthday, either way, her highschool experience was cut short.

And it sounds like had it not been cut short by her sudden pregnancy, she would have had the ideal perfect experience by societal standards. Your wife is probably still grieving the loss of a normal teen and highschool experience, which is perfectly normal and valid for someone in her situation.

She’s trying to live through her daughter. It sounds like she wants her daughter to have the same experience she had in highschool, minus the teen pregnancy part. She probably wants to “make up” for what she lost.

Seeing her daughter stray from this plan is probably making her feel like she’s losing the experience all over again. She’s lashing out and trying to regain control, which is evident by her meltdown. You need to get her help.

She needs therapy to work through her issues that are causing her to fixate on wanting to control her daughter’s highschool experience. I have a feeling that once she addresses and works through her own issues, she won’t be so concerned with how her daughter is choosing to live out her highschool experience.

[Reddit User] −  This is entirely above reddit’s paygrade. Your wife needs serious help. And your daughter needs to be protected from her. What if your wife’s next meltdown turns physical?

westcoast-islandgirl −  I hope you don’t defend your wife’s actions at home as much as you have in these comments. Your wife’s behaviour has become a**sive, and she is doing *actual harm* to your child.

Stop defending your wife’s a**sive actions!! If you truly want to help your daughter, you will actually *listen* to what’s being said here instead of only caring about defending your wife.

How would you approach such a situation where your spouse’s expectations clash with your child’s identity? How do you help both sides find a balance? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/yxyzV