I [23F] have always had intense, toxic relationships. Finally in a healthy relationship with a great guy [26M] and no idea if what I’m feeling is normal.

A 23-year-old woman reflects on her first healthy relationship after a history of toxic and intense romances. Her current boyfriend, a 26-year-old, is kind, attentive, and emotionally available, but she’s grappling with mixed feelings.

Compared to the fiery highs and lows of past relationships, this one feels calm and steady, even bordering on “boring.” She’s questioning whether the lack of intensity means the relationship isn’t right for her or if it’s simply what a healthy connection feels like. For more about her journey and the complexities of love, read on…

‘ I [23F] have always had intense, toxic relationships. Finally in a healthy relationship with a great guy [26M] and no idea if what I’m feeling is normal.’

So, I’ve never had a ‘healthy’ relationship. My first (and longest) relationship was a codependent mess which had insane highs and crashing lows. I deeply loved him, obsessed over him, even though in hindsight he treated me terribly, and of course it ended disastrously, taking me years to get over.

I’ve tried dating other guys since then but either they weren’t interested and just used me for s**, or I’d realise I was just using them for validation, and nothing ever lasted. I eventually gave up on dating and up until recently, I’d been happily single for about a year.

A few weeks ago I met someone at a uni class and we really hit it off. We were just friends initially but eventually started dating. We’re getting pretty intimate and I genuinely enjoy being around him.

But I’m not really sure if I like him that much or if I’m forcing it – but because of my terrible dating history, I’ve realised that I actually have *no* idea what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship.The thing is, he’s smart and funny and super nice and actually likes me.

He genuinely listens to me, he cares about my interests and remembers things I’ve told him, and he doesn’t play arbitrary relationship games (all of which I’m not used to in the slightest). However, I don’t feel like I like him as much as I should.

I certainly do like him and I love hanging out with him, and the romantic, intimate stuff is pretty good. But compared to past relationships, as disastrous as they were, this one feels almost … boring in comparison. I don’t crave to be with him, I don’t get wild fireworks when he kisses me,

I don’t feel my heart flutter when I get a text from him. I do feel a strong sense of affection that’s almost a weird mix of close friendship and ‘this guy is a d**k and I really like kissing him’. And for the first time ever,

I almost prefer just hanging out in his kitchen and making dinner together to being intimate (which is totally opposite to past relationships that were mostly built around s**). So I’ve been wondering how much of that lack of intensity is due to him not being right for me, or if it’s because he *is* right for me.

Maybe I don’t get fireworks when we kiss because he freely kisses me all the time without making me work for it. Maybe my heart doesn’t flutter when he texts because I know he’ll always text back without making me wait for hours on end.

Maybe I don’t constantly think about him and crave his presence because I know he’ll be there when I need him. Maybe the intensity isn’t there because I don’t have to fight for his attention, or walk on eggshells, or agonise about him not being there for me.

I know I feel a sense of warmth, of contentment, when I think about him, and when we’re together there’s not really anywhere else I’d rather be. Maybe that’s enough?

I know it’s early days, but he’s already expressed a strong interest in me and I feel like my feelings aren’t quite matched to his. Should I be feeling more intensely about him? Or is this just what being in a healthy relationship feels like?. 

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

ashelia −  Get a therapist. My therapist says that for me because I was raised by walking on eggshells and being taught that I was not worthy through years of horrific abuse, my brain made me attracted to that. My brain thinks that is a pathway to a nice reward known as love.

My brain associates fights and making up as a sign of commitment. My brain thinks the silent treatment is a way of them showing how much they care.
With well adjusted functioning adults, that’s not the case. In their world, the nice gestures and steadiness make them feel loved.

Someone doing the dishes for them is a flood of emotion rather than being hung up on having to call 10 times to get an angry response and then making up. Their neural pathways are normal. As a traumatic abuse survivor, mine arent.

So I go to my weekly therapy and I was in a very a**sive relationship that’s very similar to what you described only worse. The only difference is this time when I ended it,

I was able to see my pattern of boyfriend choices then realize the only guy I dated in my history that was very calm and always there for me loved me much more than the intense BF and other exes. My brain finally solved the puzzle and realized it was lying. It finally saw the tiny things as exciting, not bland.

It took me about a decade of on-and-off therapy to have this epiphany. Before that any time I encountered a genuine loving person I felt like they were boring and there was no spark. But in hindsight, there was a spark, I just didn’t feel Worthy.

I spent over a decade being treated like garbage so when people treat me better than that, I feel uncomfortable and distance. Anyway I’m saying this with the hope that it helps. The way you describe the guy shows that you really like him because you talk about missing him and all these good qualities,

even mention how there’s no place you’d rather be–it’s just that sometimes you feel off. I doubt it’s a chemistry thing. I think you associate bad behavior with love and time as well as self-reflection is the only way to move past that.

When someone makes you breakfast without wanting anything in return and it happens to be something you mentioned in passing craving yesterday, that’s love. When you have to walk on eggshells from the moment they wake up, that’s toxic at best and abuse at worst.

yungmoody −  I’ve been in a similar position. The first guy I dated after leaving an a**sive relationship was lovely and kind and treated me wonderfully. It was weird navigating a partnership that was so starkly different to my prior one,

and I even found myself pushing back against his kindness sometimes because it wasn’t the sort of love I was used to receiving. I stayed with him because I felt like I should, even though I never felt those butterflies or excitement that I’d experienced before.

In the end we broke up – I wasn’t ready to be in a serious relationship and needed time to heal from the past abuse, but just as importantly, he just wasn’t the guy I was meant to be with. 6 years and a few l**e relationships later, and I’m now engaged to the love of my damn life.

With him, I got everything. The butterflies, the passion, as well as the kindness and respect of a solid relationship. My advice to you, having said all that? Don’t feel like you need to leave the guy just because it was the right thing for me to do, but don’t make the mistake of staying with him just because it’s a calm, safe relationship.

tothecore −  The thing about toxicity, the feeling that really distinguisges a toxic relationship from a healthy one, is the feeling of intensity. That’s no accident. Our emotions use intensity as a way of drowning other negative sucking feelings,

the ones laid down in our childhood through our connection or emotional n**lect or emotional abuse groom our parents. The best intensity, the strongest, is always generated by conflict.

Conflict within ourselves as we try desperately to fill an internal unconscious void inside us by trying to bond with an unavailable partner, stuck between fear of being hurt when close and longing when far, and conflict externally with that partner, who usually has his or het own issues about attachment and connection.

The result is that the only feelings you’ve known are those of a distorted love, a love whose purpose has been to escape from your feelings about yourself. It’s no accident that after doing the negative cycle of desperately chasing after distant toxic partners and spending a year learning to live on your own,

to carry your own weight without trying to escape dealing with your own feelings through the balm of intensity, that you are suddenly able to be attracted to and start getting closer to someone who is healthy. You have become more than you were. You are healing. Your feelings are normal love.

I know it feels confusing. A life of intensity as escape will do that. Relax. You are not the first to walk this path. You are not the first to feel this. Don’t let the old pull confuse you. Follow the new feelings. Take one day at a time. You’ll find it’s a long path, through a rich future, the path of a life time.. All the best OP

stayhydrated99 −  I felt the same way when I started dating my most recent ex. It was my first healthy relationship with pretty much anyone. I was a lot more reserved at first, because I was used to those highs and lows, and with him there were no extremes. I was scared of getting bored with him.

I realized that with the other guys, there were definitely lows, but the “highs” only felt high in comparison to the lows. With my ex, the bar was consistently raised higher than average, with few lows to compare to. So I thought I was bored, but really, I was just happy and comfortable for the first time.

If this is true for you as well, watch yourself for self-sabotage. You could say you’re supposed to be with someone who makes you feel at peace, or you could say you should be with someone who ignites constant sparks. I think it depends on the person.

adcable2018 −  Hopefully this will help you in some way. I, too, was once in the same boat as you. All of my past relationships were 1) built on s** or 2) extremely a**sive. After getting out of my years long a**sive relationship, I had a string of friends with benefits,

but never thought much about getting into an actual relationship. I was genuinely convinced I was unable to fall in love, I was meant to focus on my career and that was solely it. I became comfortable with that idea. Until I met my current SO. I enjoyed being with him, just hanging around him.

Doing small things, like watching tv or eating together. I went through exactly what you went through; I was concerned because I found this almost boring; I will say, he is not a boring person at all. I was just so used to there being drama 100% of the time, the simplicity of it confused me.

It’s been almost a year and I take comfort in how easy everything is with him. I learned that a healthy relationship isn’t drama 100% of the time and that heathy relationships are supposed to feel comfortable. Of course, issues will arise, but it’s not supposed to be an issue every day.

There will come a time where you find the simplicity of it quite comforting and wonder why you enjoyed the whirlwind in the first place. However, there’s a line between friends and lovers. Can be tricky to figure out. Romantic feelings can be difficult to distinguish especially after relationships like you’ve had.

Take your time. Figure out these new feelings you’re feeling and decipher them for yourself so, if need be, you’ll know what they are in the future. Don’t rush yourself. Use this as a learning experience. Have some fun along the way. I hope you find peace in your next relationship OP

[Reddit User] −  I tend to agree with both of your own opinions. Firstly you at not used to being treated with respect, so this relationship feels very foreign to you. Secondly, I am a hopeless romantic and think everyone else should be too. So I think fireworks are essential.

I’m going to assume you are an attractive girl because you don’t seem to have an issue attracting men. All be it the wrong kind. Personally, I think maybe you could end this relationship and wait for the fireworks. It would be wonderful though if you learnt a very important lesson,

in that you deserve to be treated well, listened too and loved without the mind games or abuse. There is no rule that says you have to fall in love with the first nice guy you meet. Good luck with all future relationships or this one if you decide to stay.

meadowwarrior −  I feel for you OP, as I’ve been in the same place as you. I was caught in a circle of unhealthy and a**sive relationships for years. My first ever relationship was s**ually a**sive. The next was emotionally a**sive. And the next, and the next. But these people were also INTENSE with me.

High highs and low lows. This cycle lasted from the time I was 14 until my current relationship. I am a victim of black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking and emotions. If I’m not head-over-heels for someone, I shouldn’t be with them. So it was so strange for me when I started dating someone and it felt casual.

I had never experienced casual before. He wasn’t asking to see me all the time, wasn’t complimenting me constantly, wasn’t fishing for my affection. It all felt wrong compared to my previous relationships. In every other relationship I felt HOOKED within the first couple weeks of dating the person.

That’s not how it was with my current SO though. I think part of that was because he wasn’t throwing himself at me like I was used to. It took a long come for him to open up and get close to me. It wasn’t until months in that I felt secure with him. There aren’t those high highs and low lows anymore.

We enjoyed each other’s company, but weren’t dependent on each other. We made each other happy, but weren’t relying on the other to make us happy. We enjoyed each other’s friendship just as much as our romantic relationship.

I had the problem early on of feeling like we were more friends than romantic partners though. I was used to relationships revolved around s** and seduction, and this relationship was not like that. He would rather hang out and play games with me, enjoying my company, rather than have s**.

I thought that meant he didn’t want me though. We had talks about it often. I learned that there are other ways to show love other than physical intimacy. We had a lot of talking and compromising to do though. We had to talk about how we show love and how we need to be shown love.

We talked about being aware and caring about the others needs and desires. One of the strangest things I encountered in this new relationship was that when I was upset about something and brought it up to him, he didn’t get defensive and it didn’t lead to an argument.

I had always been met with anger and defensiveness in past relationships when I was upset about something. My current SO actually listened to me when I was upset and together we’d try and come up with a solution to the problem.

Something he always tells me is “When we have a problem, it’s not me vs you, it’s us vs the problem.” That was something I’ve never experienced before.
I’ve learned a lot from this relationship. I’ve learned what a healthy relationship is like. I may not have the intensity I had in previous relationships,

and that’s okay. What I do have is the security of knowing that I am in a genuine, happy, healthy relationship. We have been together for over a year now and things are great. We’ve talked about finding a place together in the spring.

I know we haven’t been together long, but we’ve built a strong foundation for a long relationship. I wish you luck on your journey with him. Although you might crave the intensity of your previous relationships, remember that your previous relationships weren’t healthy.

Intense does not equal healthy. Make sure you openly communicate your needs with your new partner. Express concerns. Don’t push away something that may be good because it’s not what you’re used to. New and healthy is good. Best of luck to you. My inbox is always open!

rx173 −  I was just reading up on this thing in psychology called attachment theory today. I think you can try googling it, to understand why you view close intimate relationships the way you do. Seems quite relevant in your case

eegrlN −  if this relationship does not satisfy you/is not fulfilling, then it is not sustainable in the long run. That doesn’t mean that you don’t care for him or that he is not a good guy, it simply means he is not the right guy for you. If I were you, I would get myself into therapy ASAP and resume my single life until I felt I was healed.

Do you think a healthy relationship should always feel intense, or is calm and steady the real hallmark of love? How would you navigate the transition from toxic patterns to a healthier dynamic? Share your insights below and join the conversation!

For those who want to read the next part: https://aita.pics/yYUsc