My Sister Criticized My Teaching Style - How Do I Respond?

A Reddit user shares a painful message from their oldest sister about their professional behavior as a substitute teacher. Despite the user’s effort to connect with students and give back to the community, their sister relays harsh criticisms from a school colleague, questioning the user’s professionalism, attire, and classroom behavior.

The user is left confused and hurt by these claims, particularly considering their ongoing struggles with depression and the difficult circumstances that led them to this job. Read the original story below…

‘ My Sister Criticized My Teaching Style – How Do I Respond?’

Recently I got a really hurtful message from my oldest sister, and I’m not sure how to take it. I’ll start with some background and context, then paste the email. Names and personal details have been altered to obscure identities. I’m the youngest of three children. My two older sisters are both stay-at-home mothers.

My oldest sister and I have never been particularly close. Since she’s had kids, she has seemed to like and respect me less and less. A few times over the years I’ve heard of something pretty n**ty and insulting Oldest Sister has said about me, behind my back.

It got a lot worse a few years ago after our dad died, when she seemed to transfer the issues she had with her dad to me. I always knew I didn’t want children of my own, and instead have focused on my academics and career. I have a bachelor’s, master’s, and a law degree.

I do not practice law, but my master’s and JD are a combination in a niche field that requires both. I don’t want to get too specific because the field is small, but my most recent full-time position included developing and teaching continuing education classes for law school students, attorneys, and judges.

These classes are more like focused weekend seminars than the kind of term-long, graded classes you get in school. The judges and attorneys need to take a certain number of classes per year to keep their licenses.

Anyway about a year ago a number of external stresses snowballed to the point of my developing severe, crippling depression. Along with some other less painful things, several people I loved died within a short time period. I’d recently relocated several thousand miles away from friends and family, and didn’t have any real support network.

And I stumbled, hard. I could barely get out of bed, and regularly spent hours on end just sitting around *weeping*. I sought medical care and counseling, was put on meds and started therapy. It helped me regain some basic level of functioning, but I found myself no longer able to perform my job adequately.

I wound up moving back home with mom, hoping the proximity to family and friends would help me heal and regroup. Anyway my home town is a small, rural place with no call for my specialty. I wasn’t licensed to practice law in that state, and the best work I could come across was being a substitute teacher for a handful of public schools in my region.

I thought I was doing a great job, tbh. I loved working with the kids at all levels. I went to one of those schools, and I felt like I was giving something back to the community. I knew a few of the other teachers and administration from going to the same school together. I cared, and I think it showed.

I would ensure I understood any sub lesson plans left for me as well as the material, and would teach my ass off. Instead of just pointing out the assigned reading pages and questions, I would go over the material in class and go through as much of the assigned questions or writing as time allowed.

I’d grade papers if possible. I’d encourage class participation. Of course I was pretty green, and it took me a while to get a feel for handling classroom discipline. I wasn’t perfect, but I was trying to be the sort of teacher that I would have wanted: one who got respect by demonstrating respect for the kids.

(Disruptive classroom behavior is not an issue when you’re teaching a room full of attorneys.) I got a lot of positive feedback, especially from the students. Towards the end of the school year the school closest to me (which I preferred) was calling me in essentially on a daily basis.

Most frequently I was called in to cover for the special ed classes, which had kids with learning disabilities, behavioral problems, difficult home lives, and more. (I add this because of the email content.) On one half-day, I subbed for an old friend of my oldest sister, “Jenny” in the email message below.

It was an elementary class, and we went through a few basic things. One of the Common Core worksheets had two questions that worded so ambiguously that they had multiple correct answers, not just the one that was called “correct” on the answer sheet.

I looked up the definitions of the terms to make sure I wasn’t imagining things, informed the class to disregard those questions, and explained how it could be interpreted multiple ways. Typos happen, both in statutes and elementary workbooks, no big deal.

I left a note for the teacher explaining what I’d come across and how I had handled it, in case she wanted to address it further. I didn’t hear back from her. A few weeks ago a bunch of family came back into town, and my oldest sister went out and grabbed a beer with “Jenny”.

So a few days later, my oldest sister sent me this email. It’s really been f**king with my head since then. I don’t know how much of it is accurate, if any. (I should mention — in the past year I have let my hair grow out from conservative-legal-business-short to shoulder length, and sport a carefully trimmed beard.). > Sisterissuethrowaway,

I didn’t want to tell you about this because it is embarrassing and I knew it would make you feel bad. But, (other sister) told me that you were being stubborn and that you needed to hear some of the things that Jenny told me. She said she felt bad telling me this but that it was the truth. She said she didn’t dislike you but you’ve acted really badly.

I believe her. Jenny is a kind, loving person and my good friend of 30 years. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. This is truly how people experience you.. This is what was reported to me: The teachers have a derogatory nickname for you. The teachers make fun of you.

When you leave them critical notes they read them out loud to each other and laugh at them. A sub has never, ever left notes like yours to the teaching staff and they think you have a mental problem for thinking you have to right to do so.

You behave unprofessionally. You strut around like a rock star and seem to get an ego rush from being in front of an audience of kids when it is pretty clear that you don’t have a clue as to what you are doing. The day after you’ve subbed there are always complaints about you from the kids.

The teaching staff feels you do not respect teachers because you are arrogant enough to criticize their work without any qualifications in education yourself and having never held a professional job in education. They feel you disrespect the kids by showing up looking slovenly with poor hygiene.

The area is economically depressed and the kids deserve role models who look and behave professionally, you do neither. When Sisterissuethrowaway subs the following are guaranteed:. He will not do his job. The teacher he was subbing for will have twice as much work to do the next day.

He messes up the lesson plans and seems to have no idea of how they fit into a larger curriculum plan. Every class in the school has several kids with learning disabilities from dyslexia to auditory processing disorders and more.

When he subs, the kids in class who have learning disabilities are often left confused and frustrated because he changes lesson plans and in doing so removes items in the lesson plan that were placed there specifically for those kids. The teachers have had to reassure these kids the next day that there is nothing wrong with them.

It is really frustrating for the teachers to have to do damage control with these kids all because some arrogant guy thinks he knows better. There will be complaints about how he acted and that his clothes smelled bad.

He will leave condescending, insulting notes for the teacher that often betray his lack of knowledge of education, child development, the needs of kids with learning disabilities and school systems in general.

When I said that you told sister that you considered yourself a teacher and felt that you connected with kids, Jenny laughed and said “NO ONE, not the teachers or even the students considers Sisterissuethrowaway a teacher. And believe me, even if he went and got a teaching certificate, no one here wants him at this school.

And me saying that has nothing to do with the 2 lesson plans of mine he messed with. Yes, I was totally annoyed that I had to redo the lessons and re-grade the work, but I laughed and rolled my eyes when I saw his notes.”

When I asked Jenny why she didn’t let me or Mom know this was going on she said she knew we’d be embarrassed. (Which we are, by the way, totally mortified.) She also said a lot of people at the school know me, other sister or Mom.

They knew you had moved back to Hometown and wanted to be supportive. Once they saw what a j**k you were, they felt embarrassed for us. So there you have it Sisterissuethrowaway, what was reported to me by someone who works at the school. You are not a teacher.

You have actually caused difficulty for some kids which, I know you did not intend, but you have. Your behavior is completely inappropriate and has alienated people to the point that they make fun of you. Please go try to find a job in your own field of work.

I am not sending this to be hurtful. This was reported to me. There is nothing here open to interpretation. This is the way people experience you. I love you and want you to do well. You need to understand that any possible success in life is tied to having positive relationships with other people.

Simply being intellectually smart is getting you nowhere. Good social skills, a sense of social awareness and interpersonal relationship skills are SO much more important than being smart..

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Gulliverlived − This is one of the most unkind things I’ve ever read, and clearly written by someone who enjoyed every second of it. I mean, it just oozes bile, this missive. I don’t know anything about this profession, but I do know that the person who wrote this is not an objective, impartial reporter of fact.

That’s someone with a grudge and sudden access to something to stick between your ribs. Which should be important in evaluating it’s merit, I think. Honestly, it’s impossible to read this and not think: why does she hate you so much?

There’s true cruelty there, it’s just s**age. Something else must be happening in your family, or happened in the past? I have no idea, but wow. I’m sorry that anyone would have to read something this unkind about themselves. Best to you.

[Reddit User] − Frankly, if the teachers have real issues with you they should go through the proper channels. Since they aren’t, it’s hard to believe this is any bigger deal than someone bitching about work. You keep getting rehired. This is GOSSIP. And it’s actually pretty mean-spirited of your sisters to pass all this on.

tealcandtrip − Well, it’s probably worth it to be a little self-reflective. If you have a good relationship with one of the teachers that you have subbed for in the past, perhaps you can ask if they have any comments. Don’t mention the letter or its issues; just ask for their honest feedback.

Also, every teacher has to make up after subs. Subs primarily babysit over busywork. If you really have a law degree, you probably know just how many cans of worms she opened. Send this to your sister: “Thank you for giving me a written record of Jenny’s grossly inappropriate and unprofessional behavior.

I will be contacting her supervisor and Human Resources tomorrow. If Jenny told you any names of the other people who are insulting me, I would appreciate those as well. I know I can count on your support if this goes to court, but hopefully we can resolve it before then.”

mindbodystrength − OP: For your peace of mind, I am going to create a theoretical script where your sister talked with Jenny about your substitute teaching, and somehow took the worst possible interpretation from everything she said.. —-

SISTER: So how’s it going? So I know my brother is substitute teaching at your school now. JENNY: Yeah, he is. He’s there almost every day, pretty much all the teachers know him. We call him “The Substitute Jesus,” you know, because he grew his hair out.

The teachers have a derogatory nickname for you.. SISTER: Heh. That’s pretty funny. JENNY: Yeah, he actually subbed in for a class of mine this week.. SISTER: Oh? How’d it go? JENNY: Well, he’s really thorough.

Spends way more time than any other sub when he leaving the teacher notes, it’s kind of a thing he’s known for. Very helpful, but it’s almost funny how much detail he puts into them. It’s like, “dude, you’re only making $80 a day, nobody is expecting you to leave an hour-by-hour breakdown of the day.”

The teachers make fun of you. When you leave them critical notes they read them out loud to each other and laugh at them. SISTER: Oh, the other subs don’t leave notes with how the day went?

JENNY: I mean, they’re supposed to, but they’re normally incomprehensible. For the effort your brother puts into subbing, we kind of wonder why he doesn’t just go back to his old career. Is he still having… problems? You know, his depression problems you told me about and why he had to move back here.

A sub has never, ever left notes like yours to the teaching staff and they think you have a mental problem for thinking you have to right to do so. SISTER: My parents say he’s a lot better, but to me he doesn’t seem to be all that bothered to be a guy in his mid-30s living with his parents.

He’s always gotten special treatment from them. He clearly has no initiative to do anything else in his life. JENNY: Oh. Well, I think the sub teaching has been good for him. The kids really like him, and you can tell he really likes teaching and helping them.

You behave unprofessionally. You strut around like a rock star and seem to get an ego rush from being in front of an audience of kids when it is pretty clear that you don’t have a clue as to what you are doing. SISTER: Really? All the kids in the school like him?

JENNY: As far as I can tell. I mean I don’t know if he’s subbed, like, every class. And some kids complain because he actually goes through the lessons and teaches. You know how it is, some kids would rather have a sub that just ignores all the lesson plans and gives them a free period to f**k around.

The day after you’ve subbed there are always complaints about you from the kids. SISTER: Wow. Sounds like the “Substitute Jesus” is a real Jesus. Maybe you guys should just hire him full-time, at least then he might get off his ass and live like an adult again.

JENNY: Yeah, but you know how it is in my profession. Who gets hired has a lot of politics. I heard there’s some drama with him and one of the special ed teachers.. SISTER: Oh?

JENNY: Yeah — so it’s a class with a mix of students that have learning disabilities, behavioral problems, difficult home lives. There is no “one-size-fits-all” curriculum. His “style” is different than their regular teacher. I guess it’s one of those “does a consistent structure help someone with special needs, or does it just frustrate them”?

So the regular teacher has gotten pissed when she comes in the next day and feels like she has to reinforce the same structure all over again. The kids either get angry at her or blame themselves. Every class in the school has several kids with learning disabilities from dyslexia to auditory processing disorders and more.

The teachers have had to reassure these kids the next day that there is nothing wrong with them. It is really frustrating for the teachers to have to do damage control with these kids all because some arrogant guy thinks he knows better.

SISTER: Well shouldn’t she be pissed? It’s her class and he’s f**king with it. Isn’t he basically making her job twice as hard? JENNY: I don’t know, maybe? Teaching these kids are tough. Just being able to relate and connect with those kids takes a lot of work.

I couldn’t do it. Ideally you’d have a sub that was good with the special needs kids AND had the same teaching style as their regular teacher, but, well, what are you gonna do. The teacher he was subbing for will have twice as much work to do the next day.

He messes up the lesson plans and seems to have no idea of how they fit into a larger curriculum plan. SISTER: So if the special needs teacher is so frustrated, why do they keep asking him to sub? It’s sounds like he acts like he knows better than her on how to teach these kids. I think that’s really unprofessional of him.

JENNY: Well, it’s not her decision who subs in. The school administration calls the sub agency and they send someone. And with those special needs kids, when you need a sub you just hope you get someone who can keep them well-behaved, even if it’s not in a way that’s complimentary to their general curriculum.

He’s a substitute teacher, it’s not like he has a educational background dealing with special kids students. He will leave condescending, insulting notes for the teacher that often betray his lack of knowledge of education, child development, the needs of kids with learning disabilities and school systems in general.

SISTER: Well. Knowing him, I’m sure he thinks he’s as qualified as any teacher there anyway. JENNY: He can just get his certification like the rest of us. Although really, I don’t think the best place for him is at this school?. SISTER: Oh?

JENNY: Yeah. Look, he has a law degree and a masters, right? I’m sure it’s refreshing for him to live near family and be near kids, but professionally, if I had the credentials he did, would I be an elementary school teacher? Hell no!

I mean, look, let me give you an example of his attention to detail. When he was subbing my class, he was working through some Common Core worksheets and there was just a blatantly wrong mistake on one of the questions.

He spent all this time verifying the error, instructing the students on the error, and then left me this long set of notes on the whole incident. SISTER: That must have been really annoying.

JENNY: I mean, a little, he ended up not getting through as many worksheets because he spent so much time with that error. I You can tell he’s someone that takes “curriculum materials” very seriously, based on his previous profession.

But elementary school materials are different than whatever he was doing with attorney and judge licensing. For stuff like Common Core, we just need to get through the material, not analyze and deconstruct it.

SISTER: I didn’t even know he subbed your class. Why didn’t you say anything before? JENNY: Well, when he moved back to town, your family played it pretty close to the vest. Clearly he had some problems that you guys didn’t want to talk about that.

It’s not like me and the other teachers who grew up here, that know your family — it’s not we don’t realize that. So I figured if you wanted to know how he was doing as a sub, you’d just ask me. When I asked Jenny why she didn’t let me or Mom know this was going on she said she knew we’d be embarrassed.

(Which we are, by the way, totally mortified.) She also said a lot of people at the school know me, other sister or Mom. They knew you had moved back to [hometown] and wanted to be supportive. Once they saw what a j**k you were, they felt embarrassed for us.. SISTER: Well. I see. Thanks.. JENNY: Yeah no problem.

SISTER: So enough about him. How’s your husband? JENNY: Not good. I had an affair, then my husband found out. SISTER: An affair? You had s** with another man!? JENNY: Well, we didn’t have s**. I just played with his penis and touched it a little.. —-

Did this conversation happen as I transcribed? No. But is it possible for your sister to take a single conversation, take her friend’s comments COMPLETELY out of context, so she could justify turning it into a vehicle to criticize you? And would she do this because of some deep-seated contempt she’s held for you for years, perhaps because:

* she felt your parents always favored you as the youngest child/only son. * she’s resentful she never got to have the successful professional career you did. * she thinks “mental illness” is b**lshit, and thinks you’re just “weak” for not being able to “handle” the great professional career you were lucky enough to have

* your parents have repeatedly told her to shut the f**k up when she felt like expressing these opinion to you, so this is her “backdoor” way of doing so, by veiling it as if it’s just “constructive criticism” from one of your colleagues. Would your sister, in fact, do that? Time to find out.. —-. EDIT: Thanks for the gold!

[Reddit User] − Do you work for an agency? Forward if straight to the agency and ask them to take it up with the school. If you work directly for the school or school governing body, forward it to them instead.

If any person at the school, teacher or otherwise, has a problem with your work or professionalism there are proper channels to go through. Badmouthing you outside of school and criticising your work, your hygiene, your professionalism and your aspirations is not it.

The school/school governing authority needs to know about this and fast. Nicknames and jibes about your poor personal hygiene and statements that other teachers resent you are all indications that the school is a hostile working environment.

I’m not certain of the labor laws in your country but that could open the school up to a lawsuit if one of its staff is behaving like this (and I don’t mean you). Forward it and say “this feedback came to me from one of the teachers at X school.

I haven’t had any complaints about my work. Please investigate and get back to me. If there are problems I’d like to know, and we can schedule a meeting to discuss performance improvements and any extra training you think I might find beneficial. I’m open to constructive criticism, but I’d like a chance to work on it together.”

inflagra − Your sister sounds like a huge cunt, and from the sound of that email, it looks like she’s been wanting to put you in your place for a long time (for whatever reason — probably just a symptom of being a miserable cunt), and she finally got to do it with impunity because she isn’t the one with the problem — it’s everyone else.

The only thing you can do is go to whoever manages you and ask for feedback on your performance. I wouldn’t rely too heavily on what this Jenny person said because if she’s besties with your sister, then she’s probably a cunt too.

If grown men and women are sitting around making fun of you and they actually think that you’re the one with the problem, then they have serious character flaws. Healthy people don’t do that.

You are really well educated and intelligent. It might be time to seek out different path careerwise — one with mature people who value your contributions. Oh, and I’d cut that cunt of sister out of my life with a quickness.

Floomby − I worked all over L.A. as a sub for the past 8 years. You sound like an awesome sub. If the school is calling you back, you are probably doing your job well. See, I quit being a sub last December, partly because of medical drama with my parents, partly because I couldn’t handle it any more.

I felt like no matter how well I did my job, there was no way to do it well. The best you could do was to avoid getting in trouble. There was little respect from any quarter. What I’m saying is, even if you were doing your job perfectly, somebody might still criticize you. You can give it your heart and soul, and nobody will see that.

That being said, the bottom line is that they keep calling you back, so you can’t be doing that badly. Take it from me, from one sub to another. You are doing great! To hell with what anyone else says.

Here’s my advice. Dress beautifully amd professionally. Slap on that shiny showbiz smile. Go to the school and say that you really appreciate having the opportunity to work there. Ask if there is any feedback they would like to give you. If so, fine, listen and do what they ask. If not, smile and thank them again.

My theory is that your sister is being a concern troll–she is either taking one thing somebody said once and turning it into an epic tale of How Much Little Sister Sucks just to make you feel bad.

Really, it’s the responsibility of a workplace to give feedback to its employees, not a sister with a huge need to inflict her superiority complex on you and put you in your place. Here’s my next piece of advice. Unless you really want to become a classroom teacher, turn your back on this profession and go back to law.

At least then you will be getting appropriately compensated for dealing with hassles from every quarter. I’m sorry to tell you this, but no matter how well you sub and how much you care, no one will take you seriously. No one will give you respect.

And perhaps this is the root of your depression. You grew up in a family situation in which you were not respected. You find yourself in a job in which lack of respect is built in. Move on and put yourself in a situation in which you are valued. And that sister of yours? She’s part of what’s keeping you down.

[Reddit User] − I think your sister is making this up, myself. I don’t think “Jenny” said anything of the sort. This is exactly the sort of spiteful rubbish someone would make up to try to hurt you deliberately. My immediate thought upon reading it was “Wow someone is banging on all the buttons they can find”.

Your sister is a b**ch. There is nothing wrong with the way you’re doing your job. If you were doing this bad a job at it, someone would have mentioned it to you by now. Print out that email and then *burn* it. Then call your sister and tell her that she’s a vicious b**ch and that you want no further contact with her.. Move on with your life.

imsogroovy − Does she have valid points? Do you leave notes for the teachers? Is your appearance unprofessional? Do you think you can take this criticism and learn from it?

Your sister seems very blunt, possibly mean, but that doesn’t mean Jenny is wrong. Are there other teachers you can talk to? Try to get some feedback by other people, and work on yourself accordingly.

tig_bitz − I know there are two sides to every story, but this screams insecurity on your sisters part. Do you ever get the feeling that she is in fact jealous of your academic success? And her staying in her rural town, never leaving makes it worse?

Maybe your dad was super proud of you (e.g. loved to talk about your academic success) and she resents you for it. That being said depression fucks with your reality. You know that physically your nerves are tense so it’s much harder to be able to think clearly and process information.

That being said, talk to Jenny directly and the other faculty members. Your sister is probaby distorting Jenny’s story far worse than it actually is. Explain your side of the story and get their story. IF, in fact, everything in that email is very accurate, consider yourself fortunate.

Why would you want to surround yourself with people who don’t even like you? Why bother putting in the effort to give helpful criticisms if the people are too egotistical to accept it? It’s a good thing that you get to leave and not waste your time trying to help these people.

Also, if you’re worried about your social skills go to a bar and develop them. Interact with people SOBER. I recommend talking to strangers and going to a bar because most likely, people won’t remember you in case you f**k up and cause people to isolate you.

What do you think about the sister’s approach to relaying this information? Do you think the criticisms of the Redditor’s teaching behavior were fair? How would you handle a situation like this in your own family? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/muUPq

‘ My Sister Criticized My Teaching Style – How Do I Respond?’

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