AITA For telling my mom to stop letting my brother get away with stuff just because he’s autistic?

A Reddit user shared their frustration about their mom consistently giving in to their older autistic brother’s demands, often at the expense of fairness. Despite understanding that autism makes some aspects of life harder for their brother, the user feels hurt and overlooked—especially when their reasonable requests are denied while their brother receives expensive replacements for items he breaks in anger.

After expressing these feelings, they were called selfish and inconsiderate by their family. Were they wrong for speaking up, or is fairness important regardless of the circumstances? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA For telling my mom to stop letting my brother get away with stuff just because he’s autistic?’

I (18F) am the youngest out of three siblings. My oldest brother (22M) has autism. He doesn’t understand like everyone else does and is extremely smart in certain categories. Feelings are not one of them. He doesn’t understand when he does something wrong, and when he doesn’t get his way, things get out of hand.

My father has been on my side for most of this. My brother, who we’ll call Leo, always got his way. He has one cell iPhone, three iPads, a computer, a laptop, a playstation, xbox, wii, etc. I on the other hand have one iPhone and that’s it. When he gets angry, he smashes and breaks his stuff. We have had to replace electronics more than I can count. I tell my mom not to give in, but she tells me off.

She always has the same excuse. “Your brother is autistic, he doesn’t understand!” or “When you grow up you can get a job and start a family, he can’t.” And yes, the family thing is true. But she shouldn’t give in all the time. I tell her he’s not going to learn or that he doesn’t deserve it.

I asked her for a monitor for my birthday, and instead I got books. She made up the excuse that we didn’t have the money, but the same day she gets him a new iPad. Which was over $1500. I realized that thats the reason she said no, was so she could get him that on my birthday.

Recently, my family has yelled at me for being “inconsiderate” and “selfish” for expressing how I feel. I don’t know if I should stop trying to speak out and try to stop them from giving into his behavior. So, Am I the a**hole for wanting to be treated fairly?

See what others had to share with OP:

AssassinBeamish −  Professional here: NTA. Your brother understands more than you may think. One of those things being that he can destroy things and get them replaced. Your mother is reinforcing negative behaviors and it’s clearly working. She needs to stop replacing things, painfully get through what we call an extinction burst, and then move along. Now if any of those devices are used for communication, obviously replace them but with stipulations.

Your mother is not make excuses for your brother. She’s making excuses for herself, probably because it is overwhelming at times. You are not selfish for expressing your feelings. Your feelings are valid. Also know though that you will never be treated equally.

Having an intellectual and/or developmental disability or any disability sets someone up to be in a world not made for them. Your brother will always have things done differently because society still lacks the ability to adapt. Again though, NTA. You can express yourself in constructive and kind ways, while also pointing out that you would like to be treated with more consideration as a human.

Future-Nebula74656 −  Nta. Your mother isn’t doing him or the world any favors. Also make sure she doesn’t plan on you being his care taker after she is gone. You need to talk to your dad and make sure they have a plan in place , besides you, to take care of him when they are gone… Such as a group home or something.

RiversCritterCrochet −  As an autistic person myself, you’re NTA. I hope you can get out of there as soon as possible, genuinely. I also hope this holiday season brings you everything you want :3. Stay strong.

Both-Mud-4362 −  NTA – it is parenting like this that gives autistic people a bad rap. Autistic does not mean incapable of understanding actions and consequences. And this kind of parenting is one of the reasons why so many autistic people fail to secure long term employment or find themselves in jail.

idril1 −  NTA. Autistic afab person here – funny how Autistic women/afab people never get the “she doesn’t understand and that’s ok” pass. This is more about gender than autism, your parents could have explained all these things to him, since it doesn’t sound like an intellectual disability is also an issue, amd taught him how to be an independent adult. They are now harming his opportunities to live his best life.

aquavenatus −  NTA. This is when you start telling your parents that you will NOT be responsible for your older brother after they die! Your parents are under the impression that your brother will always be catered to by relatives when in reality it’s done by them and just them. Make it clear that you have no intention of coddling your brother for the rest of your life. Graduate, leave and never look back! Good luck!

Competitive-Week-935 −  Autistic people can be spoiled brats too. NTA.

PhysicsTeachMom −  NTA. I know a lot of people hate ABA and I get their feelings. However, one thing I learned studying ABA (I’m not a BCBA and no longer practice) was called the coercion cycle. I think it explains your mom’s behavior. Basically, when she gives in they both get what they want. Your brother gets his tech and your mom gets peace.

StAlvis −  NTA. I (18F). When you grow up you can get a job and start a family. *”When?”*. Seems to me you **are** grown.

tooful −  Nope. NTA. He doesn’t understand not because he’s autistic, he doesn’t understand because your mother uses that as an excuse not to teach him better. I’ve raised 3 kids on the spectrum. I have never allowed their diagnosis to be an excuse for crappy behavior.