[UPDATE] I’ve (28F) lost weight and now I want to divorce my husband (29M)?

An update from the original poster (28F), who had been considering divorce after her husband (29M) treated her poorly during her postpartum period. After a long conversation, she tried to explain the depth of his hurtful behavior, but he didn’t fully understand and refused couples counseling.

Despite his pleas for a second chance, she feels his actions speak louder than words. She is preparing to finalize the divorce and is confident in raising their son independently, though it’s a difficult decision.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/aTnDe

‘ [UPDATE] I’ve (28F) lost weight and now I want to divorce my husband (29M)?’

Thanks a lot for all the advice you gave me after my last post. It was really tough to make a decision, especially considering our son.
So I sat down with my husband and had a conversation about what happened.

He kept saying sorry but I asked him if he actually understood why his behavior was hurtful. He just kept saying he was being a j**k but I felt like he didn’t really grasp why it was a problem. So I broke it down for him.

I told him that saying I still look pregnant three months after giving birth or calling me a mess because of my dark circles, rolling his eyes when I wanted to show affection, not talking to me for days without any reason and not wanting to spend time together were all really hurtful.

And on top of that, he didn’t offer the help so I could take care of my mental health. Instead he wanted me to go to the gym and get in shape. When I reminded him of all this, he couldn’t even look me in the eye and didn’t say a word. The silence in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

I just don’t think he fully understands how badly he treated me. No amount of extra weight can justify that kind of behavior. I wouldn’t treat a stranger like that, let alone someone I love. But for the sake of our son, I still offered him couples counseling. And guess what? He refused.

He said he was afraid that the therapist and I would “team up against him” and make things worse. We went round and round in circles and after almost three hours of talking, I finally had enough and told him I wanted a divorce.

He tried to convince me that he could prove he can change but when I asked him how, he just said I had to have faith in him and see it for myself down the line. That’s just not good enough for me.

I told him I was taking our son to my mom’s place for the weekend and that we would discuss everything before finalizing the divorce on Monday. He said okay and we left. But now he won’t stop blowing up my phone, begging for a second chance and telling me how much he loves me and how he made a mistake.

It’s really disheartening to see how much he changed after we had our son. All I ever wanted from him was love, loyalty and respect. But he didn’t give me any of that in the past few years. I still wanted to give him a chance but he doesn’t want to put in the work to make things better.

If it comes to that, I’ll be able to raise our son on my own as I’m financially independent and secure. I also have a lot of help so it’ll be okay. I still want him to be a part of our son’s life and be the best daddy he can be. But I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love or respect me.

I wanted to thank you again for all your support and the advice you gave me. I thought my husband was the person I would grow old with but the universe has other plans for me. It will be really hard to let him go but I’m hoping it’s for the better.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

If_Fate_Be_Kind −  He refusal to attend counseling proves he is more interested in protecting his ego than mending the relationship. Best of luck. You deserve a partner that can show you respect and affection.

Bella_Anima −  “Babe I can change!” “Ok, show me by going to therapy and actively trying to change.”. “No not like that.”. What a small man he is.

l3ex_G −  It’s always a mind f**k for me when someone refuses therapy but in the same breath says they don’t want to loose you. It just shows they will still always put themselves first

chicagogal85 −  Proud of you for standing up for yourself. It’s hard, but so so worth it. ❤️

Moop_the_Loop −  Why do they never listen the first time?

Glittering_Job_7996 −  Please proceed with the divorce. He had the option of couples counselling and refused because he thought you and the therapist would conspire behind his back. Absolutely ridiculous!! You and your son deserve so much better. What if you were to get pregnant again? Would he act the same way?

IcySetting2024 −  I gave an ex a second chance one – it wasn’t anything related to pregnancy or weight gain, but it doesn’t matter. He was spending a disproportionate amount of time at work, was obsessed with making money, and although I admired how ambitious and responsible he was,

I never felt we spent quality time together. He begged me for another chance. He said all the right things. He said even his friends told him he was wrong and he sees it clearly now. He changed for a few weeks and slowly reverted back to his old ways and the situation remained like that until I broke up with him (for another reason).

I will say, I moved on ridiculously fast because I had so much going on that I didn’t have time to cry. I had lots of friends, hobbies, and that’s the only benefit to him not being part of my life that way.

Edit: the lesson being that I wouldn’t trust people when they say in desperation: “I’ll change!” More importantly, he needs to reflect and answer the question: what made you act in such an insensitive way?

JudesM −  If he was serious about not wanting to lose you he would try therapy. He won’t so it’s time for lawyers

mad0666 −  A mistake is getting into a fender bender or forgetting to pay a bill on time. Treating your partner like s**t for an extended period of time is hardly a “mistake”, it’s downright cruelty and manipulation. You did the right thing, OP. You and your kid deserve far better.

boscabruiscear −  It’s too late for him To Change now. The time for him to change was before you found your mojo again.  Back when you needed love and support and encouragement. He showed you who he is:  he’s only interested in having you as “arm candy”, not as part of a loving supportive partnership.    

He wasn’t there for you when you needed him, he will abandon you and be cruel to you again if you ever need him. His refusal to countenance therapy demonstrates his lack of intention to change. Good luck with your divorce. It’s great to see someone on here with self respect and a spine!!