My [22F] former roommate [30M] is freaking me out, what should I do?

A woman is concerned about her former roommate, John, who has become increasingly hostile toward her after she started dating David, another housemate. John’s behavior has escalated to the point of verbal aggression and intimidation, making the woman feel unsafe.

Despite attempts to ignore the tension, his actions continue to worsen, and she is unsure whether to confront him directly or seek help from the landlord to address the situation. She is worried about how to handle the discomfort without making things worse.

‘ My [22F] former roommate [30M] is freaking me out, what should I do?’

My former roommate, John, is starting to seriously freak me out, and I’m not sure what to do. I used to live in a house with five other people, including John and David. Last year, I started dating David, and eventually moved out to make our relationship more normal.

When David and I got closer, John started becoming increasingly hostile toward me. I believe John has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and after I made some comments about drunk driving—something I feel strongly about because I’ve lost property and friends to it—John’s attitude toward me worsened.

The situation escalated during a wine-tasting trip we all went on. Everyone else got drunk (except me and one other girl who were driving), and John completely blew up. In front of the entire group, and some random passersby, he yelled and screamed at me and David.

He said he couldn’t tolerate us anymore, that he was uncomfortable every time we were together, and that our relationship was all he could think or talk about. He even claimed that everyone in the house agreed with him, though the other housemates seemed uncomfortable and didn’t back him up.

I was genuinely afraid John might lash out physically, and David later said he thought John might hit him. Eventually, we left him at the wine-tasting place and drove home together, because it was just too awkward.

A few days later, John texted me asking when I was free so he could apologize. I ignored it because I didn’t think it was my problem. He then cornered me (literally—he stood above me on the stairs, trapping me), and gave a half-hearted apology, claiming he was drunk and stressed out with work.

He said he was seeing a therapist, but it didn’t feel genuine, and I didn’t want to engage. Fast forward a few months, and things between us remained tense, but we could mostly tolerate being in the same room. When I announced I was moving out, tensions flared up again.

John could no longer stand being in the same room as me. If I walked into a space, he would immediately leave, and if I tried to engage in any conversation, he would snap. One time, I even pointed out that his phone flashlight was on in his pocket, and he snapped at me, saying, “I KNOW!!!”

That’s when I lost it a bit and told him to calm down, to which he responded, “NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN.” I haven’t spoken to him since. It’s been two months since I moved out, and David and I are still dating.

I spent the weekend at the house because David and I went to the beach and then attended a Westworld viewing party. I’m still friends with the others in the house and have even gotten to know the new girl who replaced me. But John’s behavior hasn’t changed. In fact, it’s gotten worse.

I was standing in the kitchen talking to another housemate, and John walked through, greeted the other person, and immediately went to his room. Then, we heard him yell “F*CK OFF” from his room. I wasn’t sure if it was directed at me, but it felt like it.

He was clearly agitated the whole time I was there, constantly exhaling loudly, as if my very presence was physically painful for him. Later, I greeted another housemate enthusiastically, and John muttered, “Get the f*ck out of here” under his breath before storming off.

This is bizarre behavior for a 30-year-old man, and it’s starting to scare me. I’m afraid to confront him because he’s much bigger and stronger than me, and I’m worried that things could escalate.

David doesn’t want to make things worse because he likes the house and doesn’t want to move, but I feel like this situation is becoming untenable. I want to keep visiting my friends, but John’s increasingly hostile behavior is making me feel unsafe.

Should I contact the landlord about his behavior? Or should I sit down with both John and David to talk through this? I don’t want to overreact, but I can’t ignore how uncomfortable and scared I feel anymore.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

[Reddit User] −  Sounds like the guy liked you maybe and then totally had a complete meltdown. Stop going over to that house . You’re bf has a choice to move or stay but either way I would not go over there and if it’s a deal breaker for your relationship then sorry that sucks but your safety is more important. Has your bf ever talked to him? Why’s he let that happen?

studiocistern −  I get that you don’t want to let him “win” or be rewarded for his s**tty behavior (I wouldn’t either) but stop going over to the house. It’s not worth the stress of worrying about whether this is the day he snaps and freaks out on you.

You’re already worried that he might physically harm you. Also, your boyfriend needs to take this more seriously. It’s s**tty that you’re scared and he’s underreacting.

normanbeets −  So he’s verbally abusing you and your “friends” are just allowing it to go on. Not very friendly. Stop going over there. No one has your back.

oliverjbrown −  He probably “fell in love” (ie developed a s**ually-charged fantasy-ridden infatuation) soon after meeting you and reached the obvious (to him) conclusion that the two of you were meant to be, and if he was extra nice to you and extra accommodating and extra cool,

you would one day fall in love with him, too. He may also have some resentment towards David if he views anything about David’s life as superior to his (looks, career, whatever) and is convinced that somehow, David is not worthy of these things (not as worthy as himself obviously).

So, forgetting that you and David are both human beings with your own feelings, agendas, needs, outlooks, plans, and general humanity, he makes his plans and his utterly gobsmacked when you live your life. Somehow, you failed to notice that he was not only a viable option for you,

but the best of all possible choices. Somehow, David has won yet again. And now here is John, left to deal with the pieces of his broken heart, full of resentment-fueled anger, lashing out because his emotions are YOUR problem and YOUR fault and something YOU have to deal with.

Since you do not love him, he is unhappy, and the only thing he can do is make YOU uncomfortable in the hopes that you will be unhappy, too. So no, trying to talk this out like adults is not going to work. Your best bet is to avoid him and the house because he can (and probably will) escalate his behavior.

Locomelon −  This makes me think of those situations where little boys would b**ly the girl they liked.

fightmaxmaster −  Do nothing. Don’t confront him – he’s acting like a child and if he can’t function like an adult that’s not your problem. Don’t be alone with him just in case, but just leave him to stew in his own pettiness. It’s not your place to contact the landlord,

and a sit down meeting I suspect would be unproductive given how ridiculous he’s already demonstrated he’s capable of being. At most John needs to tell him to act civilly around you, but even that I’d say is a bad idea.

If he leaves the room any time you’re around, seems like the trash is taking itself out – rise above it and leave well enough alone.

TeaMistress −  His roommates should have told him to GTFO when he pulled that screaming stunt on the wine tour. That they didn’t, and continue to ignore/indulge his whiny ass rage behavior, shows that none of those people are your friends. Why is your BF making no effort to move out of this place? I’d walk away from the entire situation, honestly.

PECOSbravo −  He obviously has feelings for you. But he isn’t a good guy.

wellsaredeepsubjects −  Hoo boy. Dude has so many issues he could open a magazine stand. Out of curiosity, how does he fit in with the rest of the crew? Similar in ages, job/earning ability, life accomplishments, etc.? I am asking because people should be starting to hit their stride by 30, but here he is,

aggressive, drinking himself stupid, living in a houseshare with several other roommates…. It’s like he’s a few years behind, making the sort of stupid mistakes a guy makes in his early twenties, but not learning from him.

This guy’s life is slipping away from him and it is pissing him off. And you’re his s**pegoat. Lucky, lucky you. What triggered it? Who knows, maybe he had feelings for you, or for David, or he was jealous of you two having a functional relationship (no sign of a GF for him, huh?),

or he resented being called out on his irresponsible drinking. So he is scary and drunk and petulantly aggressive. You can let that stop you from going over to visit your BF and friends. Maybe that’s what will help them grow the will to kick him out? Probably not.

They seem quite passive and maybe also scared of him. So you can either stay away and miss your friends or go over. But do not ever allow yourself to be alone with him. No accidental hallway meetings, e.g. Get David to help you out.

See if you can enlist one or more of the other roommates to act as escorts too. Hopefully John will either doing something stupid in front of others, forcing them to confront how awful he is and give him the boot, or John will quit the house on his own accord in a fit of pique.

One caveat. If you have any sense that John is going to grow physical with you, even with an escort/bodyguard, avoid him even if it means avoiding your friends.

HalfAgony_HalfHope −  Is John straight? Is is possible that he has feelings for David?