My husband is reluctant to be intimate with me after I was in a major accident?

A 30-year-old woman, who was in a serious car accident four months ago, is experiencing challenges with intimacy in her marriage. While her husband was incredibly supportive during her recovery, she feels his reluctance to be intimate now that she’s healed.

Despite her efforts to reassure him, his hesitation is affecting her mental health, and she’s seeking advice on how to navigate this sensitive issue.

For those who want to read the following part: https://aita.pics/XEwwy

‘ My husband is reluctant to be intimate with me after I was in a major accident?’

I (30F) have been married to my husband (45M) for 5 years, and we’ve been together for 8. We’ve always discussed health issues, but it was mostly about him, given the age gap in our relationship.

Four months ago, I was in a car accident. I was on the phone with my husband, driving nervously on icy roads, when another car lost control and caused me to crash into a tree. My husband heard the entire thing, and my last memory before losing consciousness was hearing him scream my name.

I don’t want to get into the graphic details, but I was in the hospital for over a month, requiring multiple surgeries. Since then, I’ve been in physical therapy. I’m finally feeling like myself again, pain-free, and I’ve even gained back some weight and feel confident in my appearance.

During this time, my husband was incredible. He worked out of my hospital room, only leaving to shower, sleep, and care for our dogs. He attended all my therapy sessions to learn how to assist in my recovery. I am so grateful for his support.

Yesterday, while shopping, I found a beautiful lingerie set and decided to surprise him. We haven’t been intimate since the accident, and every time I try, he seems hesitant or brings up concerns about certain parts of my body that have healed.

I approached him while he was working on his laptop in bed, wearing my new lingerie. I tried to initiate intimacy, but although he was initially interested, he quickly pulled away, saying we shouldn’t rush things and that he didn’t want to risk my recovery. I was upset and tried to reassure him that the doctors said s*x was fine, but he excused himself to the bathroom.

I’m left wondering what’s going on. Is it the scars? Is he struggling with the memory of me being in such a vulnerable state? I’ve started to feel good about my body again, and his reluctance is really affecting my mental health. Has anyone experienced something similar or has advice on how to navigate this?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Theyogithatcould −  Your husband literally worked out of your hospital room and only went home to shower and keep the dogs alive. Your husband loves you and this is crystal clear. Like someone else has said, I don’t think it’s him feeling unattracted to you, or scars, etc.

I think he is seeing your body now as a very fragile thing that he almost lost. He could very well possibly be traumatized from hearing the car accident in the phone call and seeing you in a hospital bed for weeks.

I don’t often suggest couples therapy, but I think it would behove him to help work this out with you in a setting like that. You’re very precious to him and while it isn’t rational thinking, he could be terrified of damaging you in some way.

tinyhermione −  I don’t think he doesn’t find you attractive anymore. I don’t think it’s the scars. I think he’s just shook to the core by the whole thing and scared of hurting you.

Talk to him about it. Tell him you’d understand if the trauma of the accident makes it hard for him to get in the mood. I’d just give him a bit of time to recenter. Tell him it might help him to talk to a therapist.

florarae −  Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I think I realized that just because I physically feel better, it doesn’t mean our lives can magically go back to normal. Which was basically what I was trying to do.

We both went thorough a major trauma and pretending it didn’t happen will only be damaging to both of us. I can’t say how much I love this man, he is my whole world and the thought that he has been hurting but trying to protect me from it by staying silent makes me feel sick.

The bottom line is we both need to go to therapy to unpack everything that happened and develop some healthy coping mechanisms. Another part of this was we were trying for a baby before the accident and I was excited to get back to it. Much love to everyone who commented

charlothecat −  I like all the counseling suggestions and agree it’s warranted. You’ve both been so much! But in the meantime, please don’t take his refusal as the r**ection it must have felt like. He’s dealing with how he almost lost you when that age gap had previously protected him from having to do that.

Mortality and reality and everything he probably thought was sorted out came unraveled. You both sound like lovely people and I’m so glad you’re doing so well.

BrokenPaw −  The only person who can tell you with any certainty what is going on in his mind is: him. Counseling or therapy, either for him as an individual, or for you as a couple (or preferably both) is the necessary next step here.

You both have been through a trauma. His was purely mental and emotional, whereas yours was physical as well. But traumas change the way people look at the world, look at their lives…even how they look at their partners.

He at the very least needs counseling or therapy to help him process what he has been through, and because what he has been through is affecting the connection that the two of you have, you need counseling or therapy as a couple to learn the new landscape of communication that exists between you now.

And none of what I am saying is meant to minimize what you have been going through; you’ve been through just as much as or more than he has, but you are (clearly) dealing with it in a different way.

It’s possible that individual therapy or counseling would be of benefit to you as well, but that’s less likely to address the specific situation you are asking about in your post.

TheOneWhoKnocks63 −  This is a multi faceted problem. You know your physical state and are ready to go. He doesn’t. He heard the women he loves have a horrific accident. The whole thing played out like a nightmare.

The last thing you heard was him screaming your name, but you have no idea what he heard after you were unconscious.. He heard that and could do nothing. He saw you broken in the hospital and could do nothing.He saw you in pain going through physical therapy and could do nothing.

He was in crisis mode living with you in the hospital and could do nothing. You get where his head is at? So to have you come in the bedroom in lingerie raring to go is a bit of a leap. He has to wrap his head around that. I will guarantee you he is still in crisis mode.

You couldn’t drive a straight pin up his ass with a five pound hammer. This is not meant in any way to assign any blame on you. Like I said, you know how you feel and he doesn’t.

So you’re going to have to employ that communication thing and gently express how you feel and what you want. And a little outside assistance from a good therapist certainly couldn’t hurt.

OccultRingLeader −  I bet that he is dealing with a bit of PTSD, dealing with the news that a loved one has been in a life-threatening accident is terrifying, but he had to helplessly listen in on the accident as it happened. I bet he hasn’t processed this completely and it could definitely be interrupting his ability to be s**ually intimate.

StubidBrayn −  First of all, I’m so sorry you went through that. Second of all, when you end up as a caretaker, sometimes your s**ual desire dwindles because you do this thing where your brain shuts off its own wants or desires and hyperfocuses on the other person because it’s easier to control than dealing with your own emotional state.

For your husband, to accept that you’re fine means he needs to address his own emotional state, which after a major event like that is likely something he’s put on hold while you recovered.

You have a very good husband, but it sounds like he’s fallen into the trap that many of us who have become care takers have which is to n**lect onesself. Which means he still has to process through everything that happened.

So while you may have healed, he paused himself so that you could take up the bandwidth of the relationship. He did the right thing, but now that you’re improving he needs to be shown that he can be vulnerable.

I would start with just intimacy. He’s probably been in crisis mode for a long time so that means his adrenal receptors are all worn out. Focus on contact that doesn’t involve s**, but builds intimacy like holding eachother on the couch while watching a movie, etc.

Sometimes couples don’t recover from disasters because they don’t do the “aftercare” necessary to really deal with the trauma that happens to both partners. While yes, of course, you went through the worst of it…

he also almost lost you which likely shook him to his core. And it’s something that needs to be addressed. I would also recommend therapy to help you both develop the communication skills to talk about what happened and how to process through it.

listenyall −  The time for just trying to start having s** is over, you need to sit down and have a conversation with him–what is going on in his head? If he’s been with you at these appointments, I assume he’s heard the doctors say s** is fine? Why doesn’t he believe that after hearing a doctor say it?

Tell him you are feeling so much better and are so excited about having your body back and that you want to have s** and have that part of your relationship back and see what he says. I think it’s very unlikely that something about your body post-accident is actually turning him off.

Ultimately I agree with the others that the most likely explanation is that this has been super traumatic for him as well and you guys will need to go to therapy, but you might as well talk to him about it first.