AITA for refusing to apologize for my mom and not sympathizing with my siblings?

A Reddit user (you, 24F) recently reconnected with your half-siblings (30M and 27F) after years of distance. During a casual conversation about childhoods, they blamed your mom for ruining their family because she had an affair with their dad, and they accused her of being a “wh*re” and causing their father to abandon them.

You were shocked by their remarks and explained that your mom had never knowingly been involved with a married man, and that she raised you alone after your father’s infidelity. Despite this, your siblings insisted that you should feel guilty for your mom’s actions and even demanded an apology. Now, they’re upset with you for refusing to sympathize with their pain. Read the full story below…

‘ AITA for refusing to apologize for my mom and not sympathizing with my siblings?’

I (24F) have very recently reconnected with my half-siblings (30M and 27F) after years of not being close. Things have been going well, and we’ve been getting to know each other better. But a few days ago, a conversation completely threw me for a loop, and now I’m furious and refusing to talk to either of them.

For context, we’ve only recently began to meet up after I ended up moving into the same city as them and found out I worked at the same company my half-sister did. Before this point, we’d been avoiding bringing up the topic of our childhoods and upbringings.

We were talking about random childhood memories, (mostly vague and things to do with school life, childhood teasing, and things excluding our home lives) when they casually mentioned feeling bad for me because my mom is a “wh*re” and I had to grow up with “two s**tty parents.” I was obviously shocked but tried to brush it off. Then my brother joked about how karma must have hit their dad hard when my mom cheated on him with my stepdad.

That’s when I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. I asked them what the hell they were talking about, and they explained how their mom had given our dad an ultimatum when she first found out about his infidelity: she’d forgive his cheating if he completely cut off contact with me and my mom (except for what was legally required). And my father had chosen us.

They also added how lucky I was to grow up with both parents while they had to deal with the fallout of their dad’s choices. At this point, I was completely gobsmacked. So apparently, my siblings have been under the impression I’ve been living this fairytale, magical life with both parents living happily and raising me together like a perfect family.. That is pure b**lshit.

As soon as my mom found out he had an entire second family, she kicked him out and threw his stuff onto the lawn. She raised me by herself for ten years, working multiple jobs to keep us afloat, until she met my now-stepdad, Mike. He didn’t even enter the picture until I was almost a teenager.

When I explained all this, they still wouldn’t let it go. They kept insisting that my mom had to have known she was sleeping with a married man. I told them flat-out that my mom would never knowingly do that. She’s not perfect, but she’s not a homewrecker. The few times my sperm-donor had ever tried to get back together with her, she threatened to call the police and have him arrested for stalking.

Even after that, they doubled down. They started saying that I should feel bad for the pain my mom caused their mom and their family. They even said she should be apologizing to them. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Apologize for what? For the fact that our dad lied and destroyed multiple lives? For the fact that she chose to raise me alone rather than play happy family with a c**ater?

When I tried to point this out, they called me defensive and said I wasn’t being fair or empathetic to their pain. They’re upset with me now for refusing to acknowledge their side and admit how my mom ruined their family.
But I feel like I’ve done nothing wrong here. My mother is being blamed for things outside of her control, and I refuse to give in.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

bulbophylum −  Wait, they feel bad for you because they think your mom’s a “wh*re” and you had to grow up with “two s**tty parents.” But they’re also jealous of you because that’s what they consider a “magical, fairytale, perfect family” and wish they’d had the same?. Edited later to add:

Putting phrasing aside, I’d guess that the siblings have lived their entire lives only hearing their dad’s version of the truth, and never had any real reason to doubt it. Since it’s established that dad is a sleazy lying shitbag I think it’s safe to infer that truth was heavily expurgated and enhanced.

Example narrative: dad had an affair with some chick and got her pregnant. Oops but it happens. Then dad’s wife demands no contact, but dad can’t bear to let OP just grow up fatherless. That would be tragic! So mean wife kicks him out. Is he really going to come back and admit he was dumped the second OP’s mom found out?

So the things OP told them are contradicting a core paradigm of the siblings life. Shock, disbelief, and anger are common reactions to a challenge like that. On top of that, it’s likely that both of their parents normalized talking about OP’s mom in that derogatory way and they just didn’t think anything of it. This doesn’t mean it’s okay to act like an a**hole, which these siblings did. Just a muse on where they might be coming from.

ajmacbeth −  NTA. Not even close. You did nothing wrong, it sounds like your mother did nothing wrong. You both were victims to a l**r. Obviously, so was your half siblings. I would suggest offering just one more time that they accept your story as truth, and that you and your mom was as much victims as they were. If they aren’t going to withdraw all blame they hold against your mom and you, then they aren’t worth keeping in your life. I’m sorry this crap is part of your life.

Tishers −  NTA. They refuse to recognize that all of the children, on either side of the sperm-donor’s arrangement, were victims in this.

plantprinses −  Your half-sibs feel they are the victim and they need someone to blame and your mother is it. Blaming your mother is probably easier for them than blaming the real culprit, the father. There’s no use in trying to get them to see what really happened and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t even try, so what I would do is just cut all contact. Why? Because this will prove to be an unending source of stress and frustration to you. As I said, you will never get them to see what happened. Don’t drag at a dead horse. Tell them they’re wrong and cut contact.

Difficult-Bus-6026 −  NTA. They’ve been hearing only one side of the story — and a very flawed version at that — for so long that they’ve internalized it. Beyond giving up on them, you might try writing things out including a detailed timeline of when things happened. Explain the context in which your mom interacted with your bio-father and how she did not know he was married with children.

<<they explained how their mom had given our dad an ultimatum when she first found out about his infidelity: she’d forgive his cheating if he completely cut off contact with me and my mom (except for what was legally required). And my father had chosen us.

This is probably why they have a hard time believing your side of the story. If your mom was deadset against being with a married man, then why would he leave his first wife and family? You may need to talk to your mom to flesh out the context a bit more. Either that or the first wife never gave an ultimatum but simply kicked the c**ater to the curb and lied to the kids rather than tell them she wasn’t willing to give him a second chance.

l3ex_G −  Nta they aren’t good people, it would be toxic to keep them in your life.

Kitty-of-Time −  NTA your half sibs just want to keep being the victim in all of this.

Bedimedebe −  Wow, that sounds incredibly painful and frustrating. It’s hard when people twist your past to fit their own. It’s not your responsibility to carry the weight of their unresolved family issues. Stick to your boundaries, and don’t feel guilty for defending your reality.

canthinkofnamelol −  Yikes, it sounds like your siblings are projecting their anger and hurt onto your mom. It’s important for them to understand that there are always two sides to every story and their dad is the one responsible for causing pain, not your mom. Stay strong and don’t let them guilt trip you into taking the blame.

Exciting_Walk9299 −  Your half siblings are behaving childishly by blaming your mother for your father’s lies and infidelity. Your mom has a lot of integrity to throw your dad out once she learned who he was. You don’t need to continue to explain your side to your half siblings because they will still try to blame your mother. Just distance yourself from them right now. It is not your job to feel empathy for a situation that you or your mother didn’t cause.