My boyfriend’s ex wrote a letter to me. I feel really strange and jealous even though it was a nice letter

A Reddit user shared a story about receiving a heartfelt letter from her boyfriend’s ex, written for whoever he found love with next. While the letter was kind and supportive, it left her feeling strange and jealous, highlighting the emotional closeness her boyfriend once had with his ex. Read the full story below.

‘ My boyfriend’s ex wrote a letter to me. I feel really strange and jealous even though it was a nice letter’

My boyfriend (26) was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years from 20 to 23. She’s from the other side of the world and missed her home to much so eventually she went back and that’s why they broke up. Over the 9 months that I’ve been with my boyfriend he’s told me a few things about her, all postive.

From his friends I heard that they were THE dream couple and that she was a very kind and lovely person. Some said that they think he’s never going to love again like he loved her which obviously hurt. Well today it got weird. Apparently when they broke up she gave him a letter.

Amongst other things it says that she wishes him happiness blah blah. But then it says that he should give another letter to the girl he finds love with again. Apparently she enclosed that letter. He gave it to me unopened. I didn’t know what to expect. But she was so nice in her letter.

Basically said I’m very lucky to have his love that I should cherish it and that I must be a great person if he’s chosen me. Then she included some anecdotal tips on how to make him happy. I just feel weird. This woman seems to be a saint. I don’t know how to feel about this letter and the whole thing.

Should I contact her? But what would I even say? Isn’t it strange that my bf or anyone else hasn’t mentioned a single negative thing about her? Somehow this letter made me jealous because I could feel a level of closeness that I don’t have with my boyfriend. What should I make of this?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Ditovontease −  This is one of those things that’s like beautiful in a movie but IRL it’s f**king weird. Like how do they expect you/”future girlfriend” would feel when reading this letter? It’s really callous to me. I don’t think you should contact her, it’s your boyfriend’s fault that she’s even a factor in your relationship at all.

He shouldn’t be holding her on this pedestal because it’s going to ruin any relationship he has with anyone else that’s not her. I would tell him that her letter makes it feel like you will never be as close to him as she is/was and it doesn’t make you feel good about the relationship because it seems like you’re his second pick.

NorthFocus −  To me its weird to have the tips in there. Like I get it, they had a great relationship that ended, but this is your relationship. Those tips might not be you and now they might rattle around in your brain.

I would personally hand the letter back to your bf, tell him that she seems like a nice person, but you want to make a boundary that you are not interested in her being a part of your relationship with him. That you need to make sure he is on board with you 100% and not just because you are a second choice.

And he should hear you out and support you. This is an important moment where he needs to make sure that his past relationship isn’t overshadowing the current one, and sadly just from comments its starting to here and there. He should never have given you the letter.

It was a selfishness of her part to do that honestly. She’s not dead, she’s far away, but if she ever wants to come back now you have to worry and consider if he wouldn’t up and leave you for her.

9 months is long enough to know how things are going, and where things are at. You can’t compete with a “saint”, so you shouldn’t bother. Be you, be the best you you can be, because that is what you should do. Don’t try to be her, or be the relationship he had. You and your bf have your own relationship that needs to grow and become stronger.

wienerkween −  The only world in which a letter like this is acceptable is if that girl is dead. This is straight up bizarre

Waitingforadragon −  I get why you feel uncomfortable. I don’t know her, so I don’t know what her true intentions were. Perhaps she really thought she was being nice, maybe it’s a cultural thing given that she is from another country.

To me however, it seems that this letter was a bit m**ipulative, as if she was determined to push herself in to his new relationship and the ‘tips’ on how to make him happy seems quite possessive and very ‘I know him better then you’. I think whatever her intentions were, it was ill-judged.

If I were you I’d stick the letter she sent to you in a drawer, or in the bin, and just forget about it. Your relationship is none of her business and her past with your boyfriend is none of yours, we are in the now and you are building a future with him. The letters do not matter.

From his friends I heard that they were THE dream couple and that she was a very kind and lovely person. Some said that they think he’s never going to love again like he loved her which obviously hurt. If his friends are really saying things like this to you, I would be cautious of those particular friends.

I cannot imagine why anyone who considers themselves a friend to your boyfriend would ever say something like ‘he’s never going to love like that again’ to his new girlfriend. Sometimes people say stupid things without thinking so it could just be down to that.

Or they are trying to interfere in your relationship in a negative way for some reason. I’ve seen this sort of situation come up a lot on Reddit where friendship groups are irritated by the presence of a new partner and keep referring back to how great the old love was.

I’m not sure what is behind it, it almost seems as if they resent their friend for moving on and it makes them uncomfortable for some reason. I wonder if that is maybe going on a little bit in your boyfriends friendship group.

NickRacicOfCarmelNY −  … and this d**bass actually passed you said letter?. What the f**k is wrong with him?

Rosehip07 −  Should I contact her?. But what would I even say? No. She is his ex and their relationship is done. I find it weird that he’d give you the letter. Are they still in contact? Isn’t it strange that my bf or anyone else hasn’t mentioned a single negative thing about her?

Not necessarily. If she was a good girlfriend, that’s not a bad thing. What would be strange is if he keeps talking about her. Somehow this letter made me jealous because I could feel a level of closeness that I don’t have with my boyfriend.

Basically said I’m very lucky to have his love that I should cherish it and that I must be a great person if he’s chosen me. Then she included some anecdotal tips on how to make him happy. Provoking jealousy could be one of the underlying reasons why she wrote the letter.

She wants you to know that she was in his life, that she *knows* how to make him happy (as if you couldn’t figure that out for yourself?), that she loves him so much she wants another woman to care for him to the degree she did, etc.. What should I make of this? 

The last thing you want to do is give her any reaction at all. Get rid of the letter. No reaction is the best reaction. What I would make clear to your boyfriend is you don’t want to bring his past into the present. He doesn’t need to know the contents of the letter (how much feeling she had for him) and the two of you have your own relationship.

InternationalOlive13 −  You can feel however you want. Personally I would throw the letter away. It’s a little creepy and sanctimonious. Like giving you tips on dating him. Really? As long as he’s not in contact with her I would not put anymore thought into it.

If he’s still hung up on his past then you need to talk to him about how that makes you feel. I mean how would he like it if he were in your shoes? No one wants to be compared to someone else

3EyedCat_TheUntamed −  It is not cute, it is overstepping a line. She has no business in his future relationships and I am also weirded out by the fact, that he actually gave you this letter. You don’t need tips from his ex how to handle him, that is incredibly presumptuous.

The only excuse I have for this is, that she still might have been a bit childish as they were still very young. So, don’t worry, she is not a Saint. Don’t contact her, you two and your relationship are not her business anymore.

2beagles −  My problem is that your BF gave you the letter. I can see her being young and loving him very much but still ending the relationship. The letter was inappropriate. I’m sure she did it with good intentions and sappiness, but she was wrong to do it.

It was written from the perspective of his being hers. He shouldn’t be at this point. It’s like he and she think of you as subletting him as your boyfriend, but really he’s hers. Ick.

That his friends reinforce that is not great either. You should rethink this relationship. You deserve to be the shining bright star for someone, not what they are settling for because they can’t get that.

theoreoestofpandas −  Um, enclosing a letter to the girl he chooses is not “saint-like” or kind—it’s creepy. Not only creepy, but veeery m**ipulative. It’s something a well-calculated psychopath would do to appear kind, but with ulterior motives in mind.

Let me explain the psychology of doing something this absurd. She is basically inserting herself in the future love life of this man she loved. This is a power thing, where she will feel that she’s in charge. She has the upper hand, and she “allowed” this man she loved to move on, with her blessing, like some weird puppet master.

Writing a letter acknowledging a future where he is fully moved on is a way to give yourself the illusion that you are allowing these events to unfold exactly as you wanted them, rather than genuinely letting your loved to move on by themselves on their own accord with no input from you. You feel weird about it because it is f**king weird.

Now it may have been very cathartic for her in the moment to write it, and maybe made the breaking up/moving on process smoother for her. Cool. But in no way are you obliged to feel thankful for this weird gesture or entertain it in the slightest.

It has nothing to do with how wonderful she thinks you are, but how much she wants her presence to be recognised, and her legacy to live on in your relationship with him. I’d rip it up and set it on fire and forget the whole thing. She does not get to be a shadow in your relationship with him.

This is entirely between him and you. Entirely. No one else. And her being a creepy ghost in it is unnecessary. Her role in his life is finished (albeit I’m sure she influenced him positively in many ways), she has no more relevance there, so mentally wish her all the best and forget her weirdass ghost.. Edit for clarity.

How would you feel receiving such a letter from your partner’s ex? Do you think this gesture was kind and thoughtful, or does it create unnecessary emotional tension? Share your perspective below!