Found a Note from My Boyfriend’s Ex About His Cleaning Habits—How Do I Address It Without Hurting Him?

A woman finds a hidden note from her boyfriend’s ex that criticizes his cleaning habits and accuses him of being emotionally difficult. This discovery sparks conflict between the couple, as the boyfriend dismisses the note, and the woman begins to notice patterns of behavior mentioned in it.

She seeks advice on how to approach a conversation about cleaning habits without making it feel like she’s taking sides with his ex.

‘ Found a Note from My Boyfriend’s Ex About His Cleaning Habits—How Do I Address It Without Hurting Him?’

I (28f) and my bf (30m) who we’ll call “Steve” have been together for 2 years and have been living together for 8 months. I was cleaning our apartment when I found a note in the back of a cabinet. For context sake, I’ll copy it below: “Dear Steve’s Future Girlfriend,

I know it’s you reading this because he’d never clean back here. I’m putting this here because I’m leaving him soon and want to warn you about him:. 1. He will not clean. 2. He will not listen 3. He will make everything feel like it’s your fault. It’s not your fault, he’s just an incompetent man. I’m leaving him, I suggest you do the same.. Best wishes,. Natalia “. (name changed)

I read the note and brought it to show to him and hear his response. He immediately ripped it up and said not to listen to it, that she was crazy and untrustworthy.

I told him that the fact that he hasn’t found it in the 5 years since they broke up is a red flag to me because it does mean he’s never cleaned back there and that he has been cleaning less and less since I moved in. He told me that it wasn’t a problem before the note,

this is just his ex continuing to manipulate and ruin his life and I was letting it work. We continued to argue along the same lines and I eventually left to spend the night at a friends place. Steve has been a great boyfriend so far. He gets along with my family.

He has given me gifts and flowers and always tells me how much he loves me. He’s not wrong that the cleaning hasn’t really been brought up before, the note made me realize it had been less and less and that we needed to have a full conversation.

He texted me afterwards saying he’s sorry that I felt like I had to leave but that it’s an a**hole move for me to take a note over our 2 year relationship and to leave him and our pets alone. I don’t know what to do or what to believe right now. I’m contemplating trying to find and reach out to Natalia,

her name in real life is pretty unique so I think I could find her. Steve thinks I should come back home and let it go, that his past should effect our future. I feel like I could be the a**hole because everything Steve has said about Natalia does make it sound like she was m**ipulative and petty throughout their relationship, but I don’t know what to trust.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

gem1n-eye −  Kinda sounds like everything she warned you about in the note came true. He had never cleaned there, he didn’t listen to your concerns, and he turned it back around on you and somehow made it your fault.. Red flag honestly.

Mobius_Stripping −  he wouldn’t let me sleep until I let it go. so i guess natalia forgot #4 – he’s a b**ly. it’s almost ironic how easy it would have been for him to shut this entire thing down with the simplest of responses, “hmm, you’re right, i guess i have been slipping, i’ll make sure to clean more.”

that immediately then counters points 2 & 3. but he’d rather be right, and he’d rather be the aggrieved party. you didn’t do anything wrong by trying to have a conversation off the back of that note, all things considered it’s a pretty funny thing to find, and his reaction should tell you everything.

occasionalpart −  One of the best updates I’ve seen on this site. I’m so glad for you, OP. It wasn’t two wasted years, since they taught you a valuable lesson.
I’m especially grateful for Natalia! Please tell her we love her for her kind solidarity and her witty ways.

Absolutely, leave a note. But better, leave two. One in the same place (he’ll look there, m**ipulative narcissists aren’t that dumb) and another in an even less likely place. Send you my best. You got this, girl!

jesuschin −  Anyone who lets mold grow on plates deserves to be single. I’m surprised you lasted this long

anitarielleliphe −  So, what is your experience with #2 and #3 of Natalia’s note? Did you see some truth in her words there with your own past experiences with Steve?

bippityboppitynope −  He literally did everything she warned you about.

VonBoo −  Well he’s not cleaning, he’s not listening to you and he’s making the whole thing out to be your fault “for trusting a note over him.” So, the ex seems pretty on the money here.

Doesn’t seem like he’s open to any conversation about his poor housekeeping and, personally, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to talk to him about it now without this note coming up. Ultimately, it’s upto you to decide weither this is something you can tolerate or not. Seems he learned nothing from his last relationship,

Arya_kidding_me −  You’ve been living together for less than a year and you’re already having to play mommy, reminding him of basic chores and daily tasks! If Natalia was such a m**ipulative crazy person, she would have chosen much harsher and more dramatic accusations than these.

Equal-Brilliant2640 −  “Don’t expect to change a man unless he’s in diapers” This behaviour will continue on, he’s gotten away with it before up to a certain point. He wants a bang-maid. Someone to pickup after him like his mommy.

And yes, he’s a b**ly and any time a guy says “my ex is/was crazy” is a MASSIVE red flag right there. It’s something guys have been saying since the dawn of time to belittle their former partners. He’ll say the same thing about you to his next girlfriend.

You have to ask your self “was she crazy, or did he drive her crazy with his s**tty behaviour and laziness?” I’d leave your own note when you do finally d**p him. And reach out to his ex, see what she has to say.