Me [31 F] with my husband [35 M] married 2 years together for 10. He doesn’t want his kids to be like me.

A 31-year-old woman shared a troubling moment with her husband of two years. After informing him about the passing of his mother’s friend, he reacted harshly, criticizing her timing and making hurtful comments, including that he doesn’t want their future kids to “turn out like her.”

While she felt she was doing the right thing by telling him promptly, his reaction left her feeling lost and questioning her role in their relationship. She asks for support and advice on how to navigate this painful situation.

‘ Me [31 F] with my husband [35 M] married 2 years together for 10. He doesn’t want his kids to be like me.’

This morning I told my husband that his mom’s good friend passed away. He was upset both about the passing, but mostly with me for telling him on his way to work. He said, “are you f**king r**arded?” and told me that he didn’t want his kids to turn out like me (we don’t have any kids yet).

He thinks I have no empathy. I told him this morning because my mother tends to wait until she thinks it’s the right time to tell me about deaths and other uncomfortable things and I think it’s very controlling. Also he’s always told me that he wants to know things right away.

But he was mad at me because now he’s gonna be upset all day at work. Which I get, now, but I really felt like I was doing the right thing for him. We are good most of the time, but he’s going through a really stressful patch right now. I’ve been trying to shoulder a lot of the stress, let him take it out on me, etc.

I just feel so bad for ruining his day and I honestly feel like sometimes I’m ruining his life. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get divorced but I don’t want him to feel like this. He says I’m bringing nothing to our relationship when I feel like I do so much for him.

I am willing to answer any other questions to clear things up. I honestly don’t know what I am looking for by posting here. I just feel really lost..
tl;dr: Husband doesn’t want our kids to be like me.

Check out how the community responded:

montaron87td −  “are you f**king r**arded?” This is either a completely disproportionate reaction or you’re not telling the entire story. What did you say to him exactly? Edit: From your comments, I’m inclined to say I hope your children won’t be like him…

splice_my_genes −  Does he speak to you like this often? If so, this is classic emotional abuse. You are not ruining his life; he’s responsible for his own problems. If he treats you like this regularly, I suggest you leave for your own good. There is no ‘fixing’ an a**sive relationship.

However, if this is a rare occurrence, then it probably has to do with his reaction to the news. It is not your fault. Unless you’re leaving something huge out of this story, you really didn’t do anything wrong at all. He’s reacting in a bad way, and a good husband would soon apologize.

However, understand that he probably just doesn’t know how to process this information, and is unfairly taking it out on you. But again: if this is common, get out! This is not a normal way to treat your SO.

aybrah −  Reading this makes me really sad.. This is an a**sive relationship. He takes out his anger for things that aren’t your fault. You have to avoid topics that might set him off. He verbally puts you down constantly (‘what’s wrong with you’ is verbally putting you down). He called you a f**king r**ard.

The more I read your comments in this thread the worse it gets. I’m not sure if you’re planning to have kids with this guy but I need to say this.. Don’t have children with this man. Let me say it again this time in caps.. DONT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

As someone who grew up witnessing and experiencing verbal and some physical abuse let me tell you right now that even if he doesn’t abuse the kids like he does you, your kids will grow up scared and with a warped sense of what a relationship should he like because of what they see in yours.

I do not belive him for a second that somehow with kids he wouldn’t pull this s**t. This guy isn’t ready to have kids. Don’t. Have. Kids. You keep blaming yourself and excusing his behavior and its heartbreaking to see.

I’m not gonna jump on the leave him bandwagon quite yet, though I really want to. But this guy has a lot of changing and growing up to do. You deserve better op.

semimedium −  I bet if you had waited until after work and told him, he would have been upset you knew all day and never said anything. Sometimes you just can’t win in situations of grief.

EDIT: After reading other comments you made about him, I’m amending that last bit to “Sometimes you just can’t win in situations involving assholes who can never be wrong (perhaps a n**cissist?)

dinosaur_train −  Based on your comments, I don’t think you are going to do anything about this. So, why did you come here? What advice to do you want? You’ve normalized things that aren’t normal. Anger management hasn’t done a good enough job at knocking out his s**t… so what?

You don’t want to divorce soo….. there isn’t good advice. He’s volatile and would be a terrible father. But you are going to stay with him.. good luck with not being able to change anything.

La_Fee_Verte −  And a guy who says ‘are you f**king r**arded ‘ to his wife is this most amazing role model, full of empathy and kind of heart.. Yeah, no.
This guy doesn’t respect you and is terribly self centered.

I wouldn’t want such a person in my life and would advise you to consider quite heavily if you do. If your mother is as m**ipulative and controlling as you say, your perception of what is normal may be skewed. Please think of therapy.

panic_bread −  You two should not be married to each other.

[Reddit User] −  Your husband sounds like an a**hole, you should be worried about having kids with him period.

sgdoug02 −  After reading all of your comments in this thread I ask that you please, please listen to me. I’ve been in your shoes. You don’t equate it to abuse because you’re used to it. When you got together, I bet he wasn’t like he is now.

I bet that slowly, over time, he just got more and more berating and controlling. And you likely tell yourself that it’s just stress, but it’s not. He’s using you as a verbal punching bag, and you should go before you become a literal punching bag.

I was in a relationship with my ex fiance for almost 7 years. I had been told for YEARS that the way he treated me wasn’t proper, but I just thought that they didn’t understand. “*They just don’t see the nice things he does for me every once in a while!*”, I’d tell myself.

And when we moved to another city to be closer to my university, and to his father, every bad thing was my fault. It was *my* fault that he wasn’t close to his old high school buddies, and it was *my* fault that he didn’t make more money.

It was also *my* fault that he didn’t ace an interview, and if I wanted to see my family, I was being selfish. When my vehicle broke down, he just decided we would both rely on one vehicle (aka I had to ask permission to drive his truck).

When it came time to get a phone, he decided one cell phone would be best for the both of us (aka I couldn’t talk to anyone without his permission). When we moved and I needed a bank account, he just added my name to his account.

And he would NEVER flat out tell me I couldn’t go somewhere, but he would guilt trip me so f**king much that I’d just cancel plans with all of my friends. He slowly isolated me over time, until I didn’t feel like I’d have a leg to stand on even if I did leave.

And when I’d get to a point where I considered leaving, he’d cry and tell me that he loves me and that he’ll be better, if only I’d stay. It’s a cycle, and you’re an active participant. You should take a moment and seriously consider your relationship, and your options.

No one deserves to be talked to like that over running out of gas, or because they’re having a difficult week. It’s not healthy. And you should also think about why you were talking to other guys. Did they give you attention? Make you feel good about yourself? I did it too.

I thought it was because I was a bad person, but it was because I wasn’t happy, no matter what I tried to tell myself. I was actively seeking affection from others, and I think you are, too. Just please think about it. If you need to talk to someone, I’m here.

I will listen to whatever you have to say, and I’m more than willing to try and help you find an out, if that’s what you decide you want. I’m in a two year relationship with someone now, and it’s a world of difference. It’s only now that I realize just how toxic of a relationship I was in, and I would never want anyone else to be in that situation.

blackberrycat −  I honestly feel like sometimes I’m ruining his life. Okay so, you are married to a man who makes you feel THIS bad about yourself. THAT’S NOT OKAY. Marriage counselling, now.