7 Months After Learning My Wife Can’t Have Kids, She’s Still Struggling – Should I Consider Divorce?

A Reddit user shares the heartbreaking story of his wife’s struggle after learning she cannot have children. Seven months later, her grief has turned into complete withdrawal.

Leaving him overwhelmed and uncertain about the future of their marriage. Seeking advice, he wonders if divorce is the only option left. Read the original story below to understand his dilemma.

‘ 7 Months After Learning My Wife Can’t Have Kids, She’s Still Struggling – Should I Consider Divorce?’

Bit of background info about my wife: She’s an only child and had a rather lonely childhood. So to her, having kids and watching them grow up together is an important issue for her, if not the single most important issue.

To make a long story short, 7 months ago we learned that my wife is incapable of having children. Of course both of us were devastated and she ended up leaving her job. For the first month after learning this terrible news, all she did was cry and watch Netflix in bed.

I brought her meals in bed, started working from home, and gave her my full support because it was the least I could do. But now it’s 7 months later and she’s still crying and watching Netflix in bed all day. I ask her every day if she needs anything but all I get in response is variations on either “leave me alone” or “some peace and quiet”.

Virtually the only times she gets out of bed are when she fixes herself some snacks, uses the bathroom, or takes a shower. I do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I’ve suggested many things to help her recover, including but not limited to:

1. Therapy. She said that all therapists spew BS back at you. 2. Adoption or using a surrogate. She shot down both saying that it just didn’t feel right to her. 3. Moving to her parents’ city. She said moving 100 miles was too much stress.

4. Buying a corgi puppy (corgis are her favorite). She snapped at me saying that a puppy is no substitute for a real human child. 5. Taking her on a weeklong trip to anywhere she chooses. Again, she said that’s too much stress.

Earlier tonight I had a talk with my wife. I told her that our relationship is just not sustainable if she continues to act this way and that she needs help. She said that she’s fine and called me an a**hole for suggesting that she get help.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife with all my heart. I’m doing my best to help her, but she is refusing that help and in total denial. I know that she’ll be devastated if we get a divorce but honestly I cannot bear living like this for much longer. What do (or can) I do?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

wowucanreallydance −  Sit her down and tell her everything you said in that last paragraph.

[Reddit User] −  Your last ditch effort should be to push her into therapy. Not couples counseling. Therapy. She is suffering and she needs professional help. That news was so devestating that it bombed her right into a deep depression.

Maybe consider (instead of having the hard talk tomorrow) that YOU make an appointment with a therapist first thing tomorrow morning, getting in as soon as you can and talk to them about this for your own mental health.

Divorce is u**y and expensive and you still love this woman. A therapist, in comparison, is cheap. They can help you navigate this major bump in the road in you and your wife’s life. You have time so don’t rush this divorce decision.

You love her and haven’t sought out the most obvious channel for helping someone that needs a mental health professional. When you are searching tonight or tomorrow morning you can look for a couples therapist and just go by yourself.

That’s totally normal and reasonable. They can help guide you and help you feel better about the awful things that you are having to deal with too. Take your time with your relationship. Hurry up with the outside help though.

Witchy_Woman420 −  This is a very hard situation and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Being a aspiring parent myself, I absolutely sympathize for you and your wife. But at the same time, she sounds severely depressed,

and the fact that she refuses to seek help and snaps at you for trying to help her is unacceptable and after so long of this, I can totally understand where you’re coming from. You have listed some great suggestions, and you’re doing a great job.

May I suggest writing her a letter? Sometimes writing a letter is a much better option when the subject is difficult or you dont get a positive response during a conversation. I would be 100% honest, letting her know you love and support her, but you feel the distance and it’s taking a toll on your marriage.

Let her know that your marriage will be in jeopardy if she doesn’t put in the effort to get better. I would add that you would rather get through this together and not be forced to separate, leave the ball in her court.

Hand her the letter, then say “I’m ready to talk whenever you are” and leave the room. She will probably be upset, but you can’t go through life like this. Feel free to hit me up if youd like to talk more about this

sideoats_gramma −  Have you talked to her mom? Or maybe a really good friend of hers? She is in a bad place and it doesn’t look like you can reach her, but maybe mom or good friend can…

[Reddit User] −  I’m sorry for what you’re both going through. It’s understandable that your wife is upset and depressed, but just because she’s in pain doesn’t mean she has license to take that out on you.

As you said, this is 100% unsustainable and at this point you’re only enabling her behavior, which is allowing her to continue wallowing rather than doing what she needs to: Start contributing to the relationship again and accept that this situation is saddening but other avenues to becoming a parent are available.

Do her friends and parents know about what’s been going on? Hearing that her behavior and mistreatment of you is unacceptable from others close to her may help her snap out of this and encourage her to seek help

If they’ve tried as well and she’s still been unresponsive, then I agree that removing yourself from this situation is the healthiest option for both of you.

DarkElla30 −  This sounds like a major depressive episode. A lot of people say you need to stick with an ill spouse no matter how bad it gets or you’ve abandoned them at the ‘for worse’ stage of the marriage. But, we also can’t be held hostage to a partner that is stuck long term with no interest in getting help.

That said, I think you’re kind of clueless here. She’s processing a huge amount of loss, years of expectations of a happy nuclear family and growing old with grandchildren. She’s not thinking logically, and not able to ‘get over’ it. Offering her puppies or trips or solutions probably doesn’t feel good to her.

And while your suggestions are great – being closer to family, finding ways to be close by traveling or raising puppies together – she can sense that you’re trying to ‘fix’ things and get on with life. She’s not ready to put on a happy face for you. I agree she’s probably not fine. Why not try this?

Tell her you’re needing help processing how sad she is over this devastating news and to find ways to help each other through this tough time. Ask her to look at two therapist profiles you’ve found and see if either look good. Ask if she’d come in her pajamas or however she can, just so you have some support.

If not, go a few times on your own. If nothing else, therapy might help you decide your next steps with more clarity. Good luck! Edit: Gosh this sounds harsh on re-read, but genuinely I couldn’t change a thing. Depression is so hard on everyone.

Losing all your dream bio children and then your partner would s**k though. I don’t think the situation is impossible, but you’ll both need to dig deep, if you both can find it in yourselves. Best wishes.

BookPherq −  This is my second response. I deleted my first after reading more of your comments to other Redditors. Sometimes I’m quick to type. Sorry for that. I was someone else’s wife in the bed. I was shattered after being diagnosed with Parkinson’s and Essential tremor at age 40. I saved myself after about 3 months.

I too had answers for everything asked of me. “Why bother?” was my thought about everything. A lot of what my husband said during that time got absorbed by my darkness. I really feel that you should tell on her. Tell her parents. Her closest friends.

100 miles isn’t that far, maybe her parents can come and keep the focus on her, not children. If they can’t travel, video chat. Also what might have helped during that time is my husband being vulnerable with me. (He’s just now talking about what my diagnosis has done to him, nearly 3 years later)

He’s always the strong, Mr.Fix it, I’ve got a plan kind of man. You’re not only experiencing loss of your future kids, (maybe) but also a very sick wife. When you feel o**rwhelmed by it all, show her. Show her the toll it’s taking on you.

Not angry ultimatums, but grief. The few times my husband has done an honest to goodness cry with me were relationship changers, for the better. My heart goes out to you both, OP. Please update us.

Hydlee −  Is she on social media at all? Sometimes that can either help or hinder this type of situation. 2 years ago I (f32)almost died. To not die, I had to have a total abdominal hysterectomy with a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (they took ALL my girly parts)

I would be flat out lying if I said I didnt spiral into a vortex of the deepest, darkest depression imaginable. It lasted for 6 months. Spirits bless my husband (m43)for all he’s had to put up with. To this day, the whole experience made me extremely agoraphobic. I havent left my house more than 6 times in as many months.

Totally ok, not looking for pity. Just explaining my experience to maybe help you understand her. There is this deep down part of some women who completely lose their womanhood when they lose their ability to have kids. She feels utterly worthless.

Heck, I never even wanted kids until the ability to have one was suddenly (quite literally) taken away. Does her mom still live? Does she have sisters? Anyone she could talk to other than you. I’m not saying that you’re not supportive or anything but maybe she needs to talk to someone with the same experiences.

That said (and this is coming from way left field here) I used to do this awful, stupid thing called cutting. Where I would havk away at myself with blades when I was I a dark mental place. The only way i was able to stop was because my husband flat out said “If you dont knock it off we are done.”

Sometimes someone needs a swift kick in the rear to “get it”. I’m just not sure if she is emotionally ok with it or if she would do harm to herself if left with an ultimatum. I think if I were you I’d tell her to go to therapy or risk a divorce rather than change your ways or we are getting a divorce.

Orrrrrr. Tell her you would like to go to therapy for yourself and would like her to go too. I understand that’s m**ipulative but again, swift kick. I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope everything goes well. And if she does choose to talk to someone make sure to show her how appreciative of it you are.

[Reddit User] −  1. Get a second opinion. Sometimes doctors can be wrong. 2. Sometimes doctors are wrong entirely. I’ve seen and read many stories of people whose doctors told them they couldn’t have kids and yet a miracle baby happened. Fertility drugs may also be possible.

sold_myfortune −  She sounds clinically depressed. It happens. Regular grieving and sadness is a month or two, but seven months in bed sounds very possibly like clinical depression. She told you that she’s fine, but clearly she isn’t. In a non-angry, supportive way you need to list the ways that things are not normal and fine.

She seriously might need medication and/or counseling to help snap out of it. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a therapist, it could be a support group of people that have gone through the same thing so she knows they understand. Whatever. She needs help. Get her the help she needs.

You’re the lifeguard here. What if she’d been hit by a car and it took her a year or even longer to recover? Would you leave her? There is life and hope after depression.

Do you think the user’s frustrations are justified, or should he give his wife more time to process her grief? How would you approach supporting a partner in such a difficult emotional state? Share your thoughts below!

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/nCNAD