Update to Nightmare Situation: Me(35F) with Partner(40M), my son and his nephew (15Ms)?

A Reddit user (35F) shares an update on her difficult situation involving her partner Bob (40M), his nephew Ben (15M), and her son. After deciding to take a closer look at their finances, she discovered that Bob had been cheating on her throughout their relationship, including before he took custody of Ben.

Confronting him led to him moving out and leaving her with Ben. Despite the relief of handling the situation and having legal support, the user admits she is emotionally affected by the betrayal and feels conflicted about the past. Read the original story below for more details.

‘ Update to Nightmare Situation: Me(35F) with Partner(40M), my son and his nephew (15Ms)?’

Hi again everyone. I posted about my family problem about a month ago and was bowled over by the amount of kind and extremely helpful comments I got. Someone requested an update, so I’m posting now to tell you what’s happened since.

To be honest it’s also to unburden myself, the boys are really sweet but I obviously can’t talk to them about these things and there aren’t a lot of people in my life I feel comfortable sharing all the details with. I suppose I’m embarrassed.

The week after my original post, I met with a family lawyer I know to go over options. I actually wrote down the legal suggestions posted here to discuss with her, but unfortunately, after going over each and several others in detail, we had to conclude that for each one, while it might technically be feasible, it would either take too long to be practical, or require things from Bob or from Ben which for various reasons were not ideal.

Following the meeting, I was mulling things over and decided to take a long hard look at our finances to see what might be affordable as a compromise, such as perhaps sending Ben to a GOOD boarding school and pay tuition up front, so that if I then left Bob it would be easier and cheaper for him to leave Ben there rather than move him to a different school.

Anyway, I went over our financial records with a fine-toothed comb, and that’s when I discovered Bob was cheating on me, and had been for the entirety of our relationship. It turns out that, prior to Ben’s parents’ d**th, Bob had been about to move in with another woman.

This woman didn’t want kids, so when Bob was suddenly faced with taking custody of Ben or seeing him placed in foster care, she made it clear she would not be involved (for the record I can’t say I blame her – I love my boys with all my heart, but asking someone who never wanted kids to parent a bereaved 11 year old she has never met is not in anyone’s best interests in my opinion).

When I confronted him about the affair, he didn’t even attempt to deny it. He seemed ashamed (good!!) and just asked what happened next, so I told him that next he was going to get his stuff and get out of my house, but first ask Ben if he wants to go or stay, because it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt the poor kid’s life any further.

Ben quickly said he preferred to stay, and Bob seemed frankly relieved. He moved out that weekend and I haven’t seen him since. We’ve been in touch by text to discuss financial arrangements, though, and last week he sent me money to cover Ben’s basic expenses (nothing like as much as child support, but under the circumstances I’ll take it and be glad).

From his attitude I take it that he’s seeing this as a longterm thing, but even he doesn’t, according to the family lawyer, his leaving Ben with me even for a while, along with Ben’s age and the fact that Bob is his guardian rather than his father, would make it easier to build a case for Ben to stay even if Bob does try to fight it.

The lawyer is confident that such a battle could be won, or at least dragged out till Ben is 18 and it doesn’t matter anymore. So that, as you can imagine, has been an enormous relief. That makes it that much harder to admit that finding out about Bob has still hit me hard.

The fact is that, even though I was absolutely done with him and wanted him out, there was a time I truly believed he wanted to be with me and that we could build a life together. I knew our relationship wasn’t a romance for the ages or anything like that, but it was by far the best I’d had since before my son was born and I really thought we cared for and valued one another.

Now I realise that all he ever wanted from me was a mother for Ben. He as good as admitted it, and in retrospect it makes complete sense. That’s why he never wanted to get married or buy into my house even though I offered (though now of course I am grateful!), because he wanted to make it as easy as possible to split from me once Ben was old enough to no longer require my services.

I think it might even explain why he was so hard on Ben and grasping at straws for a reason to send him away. I never expected it of him based on what else I knew or I never would have been with him, but if he was blaming Ben for getting in the way of his life and simultaneously feeling guilty for, that could turn a mild-mannered person mean I think.

Maybe he even thought if Ben was away most of the time the other woman would be willing to compromise for a few years? I don’t know. I’ve even been wondering whether he decided to pursue me before we’d even met (the boys met first through an extracurricular where they became friends. It’s possible that Jason mentioned my being single in passing, allowing Bob to identify me as potentially ‘suitable’ before we ever met).

I’m sorry this is such a mopey post, I truly am grateful for the way things worked out, I think it’s the best possible solution for everyone under the circumstances, and not one I could have achieved without Bob’s ‘help’.

And the boys have been wonderful, they didn’t know I was trying to get Bob out anyway so they’ve been treating me very gently (or as gently as you can expect teenage boys to be, anyway) and trying to pretend they aren’t thrilled Bob is gone when I’m in the room. I’m glad of that, to be honest. I AM so grateful he’s gone and Ben is still safe here with us, I just need a bit of time to really remember it, I think.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

[Reddit User] −  You are one heck of a mum and an even better person. Ben and Jason are lucky to have you 👏

wrinklepig −  Bob may not have chosen you to be his partner, but Ben chose you to be his mom. That’s a testament not only to what a s**tty human your ex is, but what a wonderful person you must be for that child who has lost everyone to have chosen you. I hope things get better soon for you and your boys

designgrl −  This is not a mopey post, this is a beautiful post. You are an amazing woman and those boys are lucky to have you and so will your true love when you meet him.

Madame_Kitsune98 −  Well, as it turns out, all of you can do better than Bob the shitbird. Be thankful you will not be tied to him, because really, he’s going to drop the responsibility of Ben in your lap and f**k right off. Your attorney is going to fight for you, your kids, and Ben. And that’s all that matters. Bob is a giant nothingburger. Treat him as such.

spacey_a −  So glad that Ben gets to stay with you! You are amazing for being in his life and dedicating yourself to being there for him; for being someone who actually cares for him as his own person (not just as an extension of themselves, like Bob did).

You are so strong, and I know that it hurts now but time and self care will help. Just know that even though your emotions may feel confusing right now, it’s okay to know that you wanted the relationship to end but still grieve it at the same time. You’re grieving the loss of love that you had for him before, and that’s okay even if the love wasn’t there at the end.

Accept your feelings as they are, don’t judge yourself for any of it because you’re not at fault for any of this and you’re doing the best you can, and let yourself grieve and heal and move on in your own way, with your sons by your side. 💓

OMGSpaghettiisawesom −  It might be good for Ben to see a therapist if he isn’t already. He’s had a lot happen in the last 4 years. It doesn’t hurt to have somewhere he can safely talk to someone who is an objective advocate.

Taco_Fiasco −  I’m so sorry for the mess of feelings you must be experiencing right now. The hurt of being betrayed, the confusion of how Bob used and manipulated you when you believed you finally found a great man after so long, yet the love and relief you have for Ben being safe.

I imagine the hardest part right now is the fear of your own judgement and trust in your thoughts and feelings since Bob was such a l**r. You raised Jason to be a fantastic son, brother, and human being — evidenced by his strength, empathy, and compassion to you, Ben, and your family unit.

You didn’t make a mistake. Not a single one. You are an incredible, smart, successful person. I know that and you should know that because of how this has turned out. Because of how Jason turned out. Because of how Ben is able to and wants to stay with you. Because the three of you are fine and you are able to take care of two teenage boys and get proper legal advice. You achieved all of that while most people would not be able to.

Bob is a l**er. He’s a user and a l**r. He took advantage of your kindness and heart and he’s scum you were smart enough to reject before you even found out about the cheating and his ulterior motives! Please focus on this! You rejected him!!

Yes, he made you believe lies. But your strengths and qualities let you discover them and make the right choices before you even knew the full extent. Your awesomeness is also letting you recover and move on with two good young men who love and care about you.

I hope you don’t give up on finding romantic love for yourself with a wonderful man because I’m sure he’s out there just wishing to have someone like you for his family. Don’t let Bob have that influence or impact on you. You are incredible and Bob was nothing more than an instrument to find Ben the adopted family he deserves.

Who knows, Ben might be the reason you find real love with a really good man! The way Jason accidentally led to Ben being in your life, we never know. Just keep being you and being a wonderful mom and person. Stay strong and be proud of yourself!

janedoewalks −  I am not pleased with Bob but I am glad Ben is safe and that the boys are happy! You heal, being lied to hurts, it doesn’t matter if you were through with Bob or not, it hurts and there’s nothing to be ashamed about. You are bound for someone wonderful and I know the kids will be absolutely thrilled for you!!

gizmogirl0 −  S**ew Bob…. the only good thing he ever did was situationally bring you a great kid to have around. Ben sounds like a keeper.

nianp −  I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through at the moment, and I’m sure it’s only a small comfort, but you’re really quite an awesome damn person.. All the best for the future.

How do you think the user should move forward from here emotionally? Have you ever dealt with a betrayal like this, and what helped you heal? Share your thoughts in the comments below.