Boyfriend’s Close Female Friend Dislikes Me – How Do I Confront Him

A Reddit user (29F) is struggling with her boyfriend (30M)’s close friendship with a woman named Nell (34F), who has consistently shown disrespect and hostility toward her. Despite her efforts to reason with the situation, Nell’s behavior has only worsened, and the Reddit user has reached a breaking point.

After seeing a text exchange between her boyfriend and Nell, which seemed overly affectionate, she’s now questioning the nature of their relationship and is at a crossroads. Should she confront her boyfriend about her suspicions and set boundaries, or is she being overly jealous? Read the original story below.

‘ Boyfriend’s Close Female Friend Dislikes Me – How Do I Confront Him?’

I (29F) have been with my bf (30M) for three years, and we share an apartment. He has a female friend “Nell” (34F) and they were friends for years before I came along. I had no issue with their closeness – I have male friends and knew I’d be a h**ocrite to leap to judgements, but at this point I feel I’m justified in thinking the way I do about her.

The first time I met her, it was extremely obvious Nell didn’t like me. She came into the bar all excited to see my bf, before noticing me. Her entire demeanor changed – she shook my hand and dug her nails into my skin, before ignoring me the rest of the night.

She even seemed upset at one point that I took the seat beside my bf, and quietly left halfway through the evening without saying goodbye. So it’s safe to say my first impression of her wasn’t good, but I tried to reason with myself that not everyone gets along, and I don’t need to be friends with my bf’s friends.

However, as time passed it became really clear Nell’s attitude towards me wasn’t improving. She had a way of openly mocking me in front of groups of people, making side comments or loudly joking about my voice or appearance.

My bf would stand there and say nothing, and after the fact when I asked him about it, he’d say he hadn’t noticed. She’d also make a show of hugging him hello and goodbye and not me.

She would mix that kind of stuff in with smiles and basic politeness so it was tough to articulate exactly what she’d done – I felt very much like I was back in high school. From that point on, I basically decided I didn’t need to have someone like that in my life, so just stopped going to things she was at.

I haven’t seen her in about a year. My bf still sees her regularly and they text often. I’m now at the stage where I fully believe they’ve either dated in the past, or have something going on now. I’ve tried gently bringing this up, but he denies they ever dated and makes me feel like I’m being jealous and bitter by asking.

I end up suppressing those feelings, before something brings them up again. I’ve reached the end of my tether with it. The final straw for me came the other day, when my bf left his phone open and I saw a text exchange between the two. Nell had sent him a heart emoji, and my bf had written something about how he was thinking of her.

I know I should have said something then and there, but I felt numb and decided to go to bed. I’m trying to work out how to handle this. Is it possible nothing’s going on here? It’s something I’ve tried arguing in my head, but then something else pops up that makes me doubt it.

Maybe friends do just send hearts, and I’m making this up because I don’t care for Nell? I don’t want that to be the case. I’m basically at a point where I feel he either has to tell me the truth and restrict contact with Nell,

or else I don’t feel like I can maintain the relationship. I feel constantly disrespected, and I want something to change but don’t know how to go about it. Any advice would be so welcomed.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

chonkosaurusrexx −  To be honest, I dont think there is a point in giving him an ultimatum, as I dont think he woule choose you. Or if he did, he would resent you for it and make you feel even more crazy.

He never “notice” how Nell treats you, and never calls her out on it. When you point it out, he makes you feel like you’re jealous and crazy, instead of working with you and implementing healthy boundaries. You have to repress your feelings about their relationship, because of how he makes you feel whenever you try to bring it up.

That is not a partner that will choose you, because he never has. He chooses Nell. Whenever Nell hurt your feelings, he chose to endorse her actions by not standing up for you. Whenever you point something out, he chose to protect Nell and make you feel like you were jealous and bitter.

He has always been in her corner, endorsing and enforcing her actions, even when she is hurting your feelings. I would personally skip the ultimatum and just leave. 

ConnieMarbleIndex −  Anyone who lets someone mock you in public isn’t your friend. Your problems are bigger than her. He will still be the person who let this happen to you. Also you don’t trust him. You think he might be hiding a past or current relationship. This also won’t be solved.. Trust your gut.

Senior_Revolution_70 −  He is having his cake and eating it. Him acting all ignorant of her hostility is because he doesn’t want to confront her and rock the boat with her. He is considering her feelings above yours.

You are the 3rd wheel. I suggest you find a relationship where you are appreciated and let him have his pick me girl. Go find happiness with someone who puts you first. He aint it.

trishsf −  I’m thinking about you? That’s beyond friendship. Especially with a heart. Confront? Why? You already know what he will say. You think he’s a l**r and you don’t trust him. That’s reason to break up.

griminald −   From that point on, I basically decided I didn’t need to have someone like that in my life, so just stopped going to things she was at. I haven’t seen her in about a year. My bf still sees her regularly and they text often.

I think instead of barreling forward with an ultimatum (that you can never fully enforce anyway), we need to back up a little bit to figure this out. This, above, should never have happened the way it did.

This thing where she openly disrespects you, your BF doesn’t speak up, you get so sick of the disrespect that you stop going to things with your BF where Nell is — and your BF just allows this to happen, keeps hanging out with her.

Never would this fly in my marriage. In my marriage, disrespect towards my wife *is disrespect towards me*. I can’t be friends with someone who disrespects my wife. I know you’re not married, but the same rule applies: You’re a two-person unit.

How is a man supposed to let someone be friends with him, but be unfriendly to you? What does that say about him? So what would I do if I was you? I would tell your BF that you want to get back together with Nell and see if things can work out again — but that if she disrespects you again, you *expect him to handle it*,

the way you should expect any man to handle disrespect towards his GF. If he’s all up for it, then great. See how it works out. If he denies that she disrespected you, watch out. If he hesitates to stick up for you? Watch out. If he hesitates to agree to the two of you being face-to-face again, watch out.

If you guys do get together, but he hesitates to act like a loving BF in front of her? Watch out. These are when I’d get worried about something else going on. A “her or me” ultimatum is unenforceable… the best you can do is address the root cause of your resentment, and that’s your BF’s unwillingness to stick up for you.

tmink0220 −  These are immature relationships left over from college, teens. They are emotional affairs where all the sharing caring and loyalty is give to the friend, instead of the partner.

One of them in this case maybe both, want more and settle for friendship. It is a starvation diet for a partner trying to have a relationship. I am so sorry. I would let go of it.

Flynn_JM −  Fine they haven’t dated. But have they hooked up?

ThrowRArosecolor −  I send heart emojis to my friends all the time. That isn’t the problem here. For three years he has witnessed her behaviour. I don’t believe he “didn’t notice” it. He hasn’t stood up for his girlfriend one time. And the friend is being petty.

If you want someone who will stand up for you and be there, find someone else. (Also if you decide to stick around, give it a year and is he hasn’t proposed by then, he’s not gonna. I suspect he’s not gonna at all though. I think he doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him).

lifehappenedwhatnow −  My husband and I have several friends, both male and female. Our rule about our friends, whether mutual or separate, is that our friends must respect our partners and our relationship and not interfere in our relationship. There are no exceptions to these rules. There are no second chances.. Edit: removed the word only.

Public-Rutabaga4575 −  Only person I’ve ever sent a message like that to in my life is my wife. And he ignored when you get openly ridiculed? But everytime you mention anything about her to him privately he suddenly has balls and speaks up? Yeah they are special friends, and she is biding her time.

This situation speaks to the complexities of relationships and trust, especially when dealing with a third party who seems to undermine the bond between two partners.

Is it possible that her boyfriend’s relationship with Nell is purely platonic, or is there something more going on? How would you handle such a situation where a close friend of your partner seems to disrespect you and blur boundaries? Share your thoughts below.

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/BJhMO