Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad.

A Reddit user, an 18-year-old male, discovers that he is the product of his mother’s affair 18 years ago and is not his father’s biological child. His father has now refused to support his college education, unlike his siblings. Feeling abandoned, confused, and unsure of what to do next, he reaches out for advice. Read the original story below to learn more about his emotional journey and the challenges he’s facing.

‘ Mom had an affair 18 years ago, I [18M] am the product of it. My dad just informed me of all this, and told me he will not pay for my college, while my siblings got their college experience paid by our dad.’

Pretty much the title. I have no idea how to process all this, and I am completely unprepared for what lies ahead 🙁 Both my older brother and sister went to the same college. My brother graduated two years ago, my sister is set to graduate in two years. Both had their college paid by our dad. Dad paid all their college expenses, including rent, food, their cars, pocket money, you name it.

My brother has a job now, his own place, lives together with his fiancee, and has his life together. My sister already has a good paying job, and my dad still pays for almost everything for her.

I got accepted to the same college, which was always the plan, and was looking forward to talk with my parents about the next steps, and ask them to help me the same they did for my siblings. I always assumed they had money put aside for my college the way they had for my siblings.

Instead I was met with a story about my mom’s cheating, how I am the result of her cheating, and how my dad is not willing to support me any more moving forward. Dad told me that mom had 18 years to let me know and prepare me for the future, but obviously she never did. He said it was never is place to say anything since I am not his son, and didn’t want to interfere with mom’s parenting.

Apparently my grandparents know I am not dad’s biological son, but they haven’t bothered to tell me anything either. My siblings had no idea, and they are as surprised as I am because there was never a hint of anything being off. I might be naive, but I always thought I had a great relationship with my dad.

We go to see sports together, we go fishing together, he tutored me when I had difficulties with math (dad is an engineer), he taught me to drive. I never got a hint he stores resentment towards me. I mean, he gave me my name, and has explained what my name means, and he was very proud of it. It’s a story he tells from time to time. He likes to talk about stuff like that about me.

My mom has never said a word about anything, and apparently she was supposed to have “the talk” with me, but she never did. I feel abandoned and unprepared for what lies ahead. I am not even sure I will be able to go to college any more, I always assumed my parents will pay for it. I never had a job, and I am not sure what job I can even get to support me through college, I have no idea how to apply for loans.

All my mom has done is cry and apologize. But nothing of substance, she has no idea how to help me. I don’t even know if I am welcomed home any more, it’s all up in the air, I feel shame leaving my room, and if I will be asked to move out I don’t know where to go. I don’t have any savings, maybe $400 put together.

I am angry at my mom, I am confused about where I stand with my dad. There’s a man out there who is my father that never wanted to have anything to do with me. I feel rejected and I have no idea what to do to fix this situation. Anyone have any idea what to do here? Do I apologize to my dad? What do I say to him? Idk, I’ve been stuck in my room these past few days, reading and browsing reddit. I have no idea what to do.. \-

These are the responses from Reddit users:

oh-em-gee-wowe −  You need to have a calm conversation with your mom. See if you can still live at home or if they’re kicking you out. You need to know this immediately to decide your next steps. If they’re not kicking you out, that’s basic decency. If they ARE kicking you out, talk to your siblings to see if you can crash at theirs, and live with one of them. If not, crash at a friend’s until you can get on your feet.

If they seriously won’t help you with college (and your mom won’t help you either) start applying to jobs. The jobs you’re going to apply for are going to s**k, but if that’s the only way you can pay for college and s**t, then you gotta do what you gotta do.

Start applying to grocery store jobs and fast food jobs. Customers WILL s**k, as people are f**king awful about their food. Customers in general will s**k. You can apply online. Retail jobs, especially ones with commission. This means clothing stores like Holister, Nordstroms, Macys, Dillards, whatever there is available.

Also jobs like ones at a car dealership, but beware commission only jobs. If you don’t sell cars at the dealership, you don’t eat. Get a job that pays a base per hour PLUS commission if possible. If not, you’re going to get paid minimum wage like at Gamestop. Which sucks. But it’s something.

Apply to your local community college. You’ll definitely get in. Classes are FAR cheaper than a regular college, and you can get your common core classes out of the way there for cheaper (aka your History 101, Political Science, Government, English, one science course, one math, etc).

It WILL take longer but it’s fine, the classes are easy. After you’re done with those you can get your Associates and transfer to a Big College. I reccomend this before going to the college you actually got in to because it is cheaper. You will work at the same time. Get ready for lots of ramen and cheap food OP.

As for loans, do you have any credit currently? The reason I ask is that the higher your credit score, the better loan you can get. That is the easiest way to earn credit. If you only have a debit card, start building your credit. Capital One or Discover have student credit cards that start you off pretty ok.

You can apply for these online. Use the credit card that you apply for. Let’s say max $100 per month. ~~Pay off about 50-75 dollars on it and leave a little bit that you owe for something called “revolving credit.” This will help your credit score.~~ The first loan you’re going to get is going to s**k ass. Go to your local ~~bank where you have your debit card~~ credit union and ask them about student loans.

Apply for scholarships at your local community college and google scholarships. There are so many out there and sometimes people don’t even apply! It’s free money at that point. You’re going to have a busy summer OP.

Ask your siblings if they can pull some money for your first semester at the community college. Then get one of the jobs I told you about before and start saving. If you do college slower, no one will judge you. You’re paying your own way.

I wish you the best of luck OP. I’m so sorry this happened to you and that’s really s**tty of your dad to do this. Most colleges have therapy or counseling for free or reduced price and your area should have a local psychologist or therapist with sliding scale. Head over there.

Also, do you have medical insurance under your parents still? Or are they taking that away too? What about your cell phone bill? Car insurance? It’s important you ask these questions so that you can proceed with your eyes open about if you actually need to pay for those things (I hope not OP. But please make sure).

I’m sending all my love to you. My wife was kicked out of her parents’ at 17 and she had to do a lot of this herself too, and I work and study too.

Edit: Thank you kind stranger for the silver! Holy s**t, thank you kind stranger for the gold!

Edit 2: Many users have said this and I’ve learned not to have anything owed on your credit card. Thanks to everyone who educated me! You learn something new every day!

Edit 3: holy crap, a platinum! Another gold! Thanks kind friends!

Edit 4: It’s been pointed out to me that it’s better to go to a local credit union for a loan and I absolutely agree.

Bedtimeshine −  And no one is standing up and having your back?

debonairgarbage −  You need to give your siblings a call and tell us what they said.

Hubcapdiamond −  It isn’t your shame. Don’t even think of picking that s**t up and carrying it. They are in the wrong…not you…not in any way whatsoever. They should be apologizing to you. That is a fucked up thing to do to a person.

DfiantCrab −  Just out of curiosity, did they ever get a genetics test? Do they know 100% that hes not your father?

mwhyte66 −  Also if he truly will not help, apply for emancipation. That way you will qualify for grants and financial aid.

Noononsense −  This is all incredibly disturbing. What puzzles me if your Father feels this way about paying for college why did he spend any money raising you. It costs roughly $200,000 + to raise a kid to the age of 18. It’s odd him feeling this way and not walking away 18 years ago when this happened.

He raised you as his son yet he has this bitterness he’s holding against your Mother over college tuition for you. Almost like it’s her punishment for her betrayal but you are the only one being truly punished and you did nothing wrong. It’s just so bizarre. As for you figuring out your college financing.

I recommend you go to the local community college for 2 years as they are relatively inexpensive. Then transfer to a State school. Make sure all your community college credits will transfer. I’m assuming you’re in the USA. Good luck.

[Reddit User] −  Please keep us updated!

Manners2210 −  Hmmm, your dad has been weird about this. I understand the anger, but he’s known for some time but only told you since the college thing came about. I’m guessing something must have happened because it looks like he loved and cared for you like the others, and raising a child isn’t cheap, so I promise, he’s spent thousands on you over a period of time.

Yes, he’s not obligated to do anything as you’re not biologically his, but he’s raised you as his own your whole life, now this? On one hand, it’s good that you never experienced obvious resentment, but how this has all come about is strange. Don’t apologise to him, you’ve done nothing wrong, but you do need a calm conversation with your mother that actually gives you answers rather than her tears

t-brave −  Your mom and dad both failed you. If this was dad’s plan all along, and he knew your mom hadn’t told you and prepared you for the lack of support with your education, that is him getting back at your mom by sticking it to you. Shame on both of them…neither one of them stepped up to be a mature adult, and you’re the one who is hurt.

There have been some great suggestions here on how to financially move forward. Do your grandparents have the ability to help? Staying home is going to be awkward to say the least. I wish you well. You didn’t deserve such s**tty treatment.

Do you think the father’s reaction was justified, or should he have supported his son despite the circumstances? How would you cope with such a revelation and the sudden changes it brings? Share your thoughts and offer advice below!