I (46F) have hurt my daughter (16F) by giving her friend(16F) a few books?

A 46-year-old mother is concerned after unintentionally hurting her 16-year-old daughter by giving her daughter’s friend a few books, including some LGBTQ+ memoirs. The friend recently came out, and the gift was meant as a supportive gesture.

However, the daughter is upset, accusing her parents of taking the friend’s side and feeling alienated. The mother is worried about the strain this has put on her relationship with her daughter and is unsure how to navigate the situation, especially as her daughter lashes out and makes snide remarks.

‘ I (46F) have hurt my daughter (16F) by giving her friend(16F) a few books?’

My daughter’s (16F) friend came out a few weeks ago to her family and friends. It has put a bit of a strain on their relationship. I don’t know what is happening is going on between them but I try not to pry.

She (16F) visited us this week, My husband and I read a lot and have a huge collection of books. We let her pick out a few books. She picked a few thrillers, some LGBTQ+ memoirs and the like. she was happy about it. She posted about it on Instagram.

My daughter saw it. She is angry with us for picking her friend’s side and that she wanted to read those books. which is surprising as she is not a person who reads a ton of books. Something is really bothering her and she is lashing out.

I feel a bit guilty as it is clear something is going on between them and I feel like this act hurt our daughter even though it was meant to show support to her friend. My daughter is constantly making snide remarks about us preferring her friend over her.

My husband is just ignoring it and wants us to ignore it too and let her deal with this issue on her own while I have been trying to talk to her about it. TL;DR : Gave a few books to my daughter’s friend to show support but my daughter has taken it as choosing her friend’s side in an issue.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

[Reddit User] −  It isn’t about the books. She may still need time to process, there may also have been something awkward involved in the coming out that you don’t know about (e.g. the friend has a crush on your daughter) or she could feel hurt that she didn’t know sooner, etc.

There are a lot of options for what might have happened, and unless your daughter decides to tell you about it, there’s not much you can do. When she makes snide comments I recommend “I didn’t know you were fighting, you never told me” and “when you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here, but you *know* what you’re saying isn’t true”.

However, your husband is also right. They will figure it out themselves, they are teenagers, this is what they do. You don’t need to interfere with their business, your only job is to remind her that her comments to you are unacceptable.

Anotherams −  If reddit was around years ago my own mother could have posted something similar to this about me. My mom was always involved in my friends lives (and way to involved in the issues of other adults, but that is another story), but a little out of touch when it came to mine.

My parents were giving me lots of space to be a moody teenager, almost a little too much. Because I was not acting up or acting out they left me alone. I was still craving one on one time with them, but didn’t know how to ask for it.

Since nothing was technically wrong I couldn’t voice that I still needed some of the attention I needed as a small child. I feel get incredibly let down, not necessarily jealous, when I saw mom giving help to others rather than me.

A sixteen year old is so close to being an adult, but not quite there yet, especially emotionally. Maybe some time together without a friend just doing something fun like getting coffee, ice cream, or a walk and not talking about other people’s issues unless she brings it up will help soothe things over.

ComprehensiveBand586 −  I don’t think ignoring it is going to solve anything; in fact, it will make it worse. You did a kind thing for her friend but it sounds like your daughter is jealous. Tell her that you love her.

Spend time with her just the two of you or the three of you as a family. You know, you could make her favorite dinner or watch a movie together. Don’t pressure her to spend time with you but let her know that you’re there for her.

unsafeideas −  Maybe she does not need space. Maybe she needs attention and to talk. Obviously, you have done nothing wrong borrowing those books. And if your daughter is jealous or feels like it somehow represents you taking side in conflict you know nothing about, then it means she needs something from you.

Books and attention to other kids are good. But it sounds like your kid need something.

helendestroy −  Do you share interests with your daughter? Do you make a point to share in the things she likes?

1stofallhowdareewe −  Definitely try to talk to her. Let her know you love and support her, because something is going on. As far as the books go offer to get the titles for her so she can read them if she wants.

16 is a hard age and I’m not sure what is going on between them. But let her know obviously you are on her side and whenever she wants to talk you’re there for her.

xandrew245x −  Need a lot more parents like you around.