UPDATE: girl (20s F) in my DND group post (20s M)?
A Redditor updates the community after taking advice to address tension in their D&D group. After learning from a fellow player, Sam, that she felt ostracized by other group members, including the DM, Dave, due to their growing closeness, the Redditor confronted Dave.
The conversation revealed Dave’s jealousy, and the Redditor then asked Sam if she wanted to pursue a relationship. They are now dating and decided to take a break from D&D. If the group can’t accept their relationship, they’re prepared to start fresh with a new group. Read the original story below to find out how things developed.
‘ UPDATE: girl (20s F) in my DND group post (20s M)?’
So I wanted to thank everyone for all the great advice I got, and it led me to take some action over the weekend. So on Sunday (yesterday), I was txting with Sam and I decided to bring up and ask her how she was feeling about our gaming group.
She confessed to me that she’s been feeling really stressed out lately because she feels that Jake and Dave (our DM) have really been ostracizing her, because she’s been getting closer to me. She told me that Dave would send her private angry or rude messages, saying mean things about me to her behind my back.
I was shocked and honestly kind of defeated to hear how these guys who I thought were my friends treated me behind my back. She said she was so cut up about this and that she didn’t want to come to DND anymore because she didn’t feel like it’s any fun anymore, and that hurt me the most, having her lose something she loves because of some dumb guys..
So, based on the advice I got here on my last post, I did two things after getting this knowledge. I called up Dave, and told him that he either needs to grow up, and treat her with the respect she deserves, or she will leave the group.
He was backpedaling, but eventually came clean that he has a thing for her as well and was just jealous of the attention I was receiving from her. He said that it’s not her fault and it’s not my fault and it’s just something he needs to work through on his own, so at least he was able to be cognizant of that.
The second thing I did was talk to Sam frankly about us and our relationship. I told her that I really liked her, and asked her if she liked me as well, which she said she really did, and had for a while now (which made my heart want to explode out of my chest).
I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend, even with all this drama going on, and I told her that I was on her side and would support her whatever she wanted to do with our gaming group. In the end, we’ve decided that we are dating now and we’ll both be taking a break from DND for a few sessions before we go back and tell everyone.
I am just so happy to have her in my life, and if my friends can’t get over the fact that we’re dating, she and I will start a new DND group with people who can be adults about it.. Anyway, thank you all for your help, and I’m glad I bit the bullet, I couldn’t be happier right now!.
See what others had to share with OP:
Theotherotherarm − A natural 20 on a Charisma check!
ihaveafunnyname71 − That’s awesome!! My husband and I just started playing D&D together a few months ago and love it! Sorry your group got stupid, but hopefully now that you are a couple, they’ll get over themselves.
Maybe not playing characters that are a “couple” also will help keep them more friendly. And if not, I hope you guys find another group of good people. Maybe more couples… haha.
Splatterfilm − Nice job being frank with Dave. DM’s who get that way with players are a worse than players who get that way with other players. They can make very unfair rulings to either try and court favor or as “revenge”.
If you start a new DND group, try and get some other female players. Maybe Sam has a friend or two who’d want to play? A lot of women never even try DnD because of situations like this. Often stories alone are enough to keep some away.
Source: I DM a game with players only from a particular small fandom, most of whom had never played before because of fear of just this situation, and having a selective pool of potential players made everyone a lot more comfortable.
ItsGotToMakeSense − It’s a shame it went that way with your friends but hopefully they’ll get over it in time. I’ve seen stuff like that happen before; nerds can get ridiculous about girls sometimes. Like “she plays *video games*, she’s my soul mate!” type of s**t. They’ll grow up and knock it off, with any luck.
jolie178923-15423435 − AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂
[Reddit User] − I hate to say it, but the stereotype of “gamer” culture exists for a reason. I have had similar issues with gaming groups in the past. No matter what, drama that exists off the table will find a way to sneak into the game. I’m glad for you that you and your girlfriend are able to come together in the face of what could have been a pretty unfortunate situation.
BubbleBathBitch − Funny. My name is Sam and I met my boyfriend David in a pathfinder group. Spooky.
SoftStage − Aww you guys are so cute. Glad it worked out.
HotDickens − I’ve been the token nerd girl all my life, started playing chess and DnD at 7 years old with my father. Your work is only just starting. I get that you feel things are resolved, but i dont see this kumbaya ending you do. I just see WORSE red flags popping up.
Remember the shock you felt finding out who these guys really are. Let’s be honest – you already knew they felt entitled to her, ask yourself why would it shock you that they acted on it by being rude and sending her aggressive messages?
**They havent even seemed to have apologised, it looks liek they just justified their behaviour to you in a way that you can get where they’re coming from. It totally minimises how fucked up they were behaving. Have they even apologised to Sam, or did they just talk to you?**
Don’t forgive any of these men. Why the f**k are they still your friends if they treated your GF liek this? They’re just mad they got caught, they still actively chose to behave the way they did and i bet they’ve done it in the past and i can bet they’ll do it in the future.
Call out misogyny and entitlement every time you see it and don’t remain friends with people who display this behaviour. Even if they’re nice in every other way, if they’re weird or “off” or downright rude & hateful towards women, they’re not nice. You are the company you keep and if you keep these guys in your life, Sam really deserves better.
Mitochandrea − Awwwwwwwwwwww! I’m very happy for you! Maybe you guys can find another couple to play with? Not sure if playing with your friend who admitted to having a thing for your girlfriend would ever feel completely free of weirdness, at least I know it would bug me. Even if you played with other guys, entering the group as a couple sort of sets ground rules from the start. Wishing you guys a very happy future!
Do you think confronting the group members and being open with Sam was the right move? How would you handle tensions in a friendship group when it impacts something you all enjoy, like a game? Share your thoughts below!