Told my wife (F35) that she couldn’t do it without me (M34). Turns out she can.

A husband (34M) realizes the consequences of a thoughtless comment to his wife (35F), who has since taken on full responsibility for their children and household, leaving him feeling excluded.

Their fight not only shifted the dynamic in their marriage but also made him confront his own lack of support, leading to a desire to repair the relationship and return to a healthier partnership.

‘ Told my wife (F35) that she couldn’t do it without me (M34). Turns out she can.’

I made one stupid selfish comment to my wife a week or so ago and now my life is in disarray. My wife is in some crisis. Her work is closed and she’s being paid, but she’s home with our kids now, including one 3 year old. She gets breaks on Monday and Friday with childcare.

We went into having kids knowing she wanted to be a working mother. So this has been an adjustment… to say the least. Onto the OG fight. She spent a long day with our kids and the neighboring kids, and when I came upstairs from work and she asked for a break, I didn’t respond well.

I made excuses and didn’t offer help and for the first time in years my wife lost her temper and cursed at me. Like an i**ot I dug in and thought I was right. I admit we both said some unkind things.

But after reddit humbled me and she made me sit down and write a list of things I did for the family that day and compared it with her… longer list, I apologized. She accepted and I figured things would go back to normal. They haven’t. My wife used to include me in parenting our kids.

I did dance pick up most weeks and bedtime was split. I gave baths. Made dinner. All the stuff. Since our fight, my wife hasn’t asked me for any help with the kids. The first morning I woke up on what was supposed to be my morning with the kids, I figured she was just being nice or trying to prove a point but it keeps happening.

She didn’t even send them down to say good night last night. Normally my wife does this silly game where she sends my son to ask me to read 5 books and then we would negotiate down to 1 or 2 and race upstairs. Last night I heard her racing him and came up to find her doing bedtime yet again.

The kids haven’t even noticed. It’s like she’s replacing me. When we were fighting I said something really really dumb that’s living inside me and festering. My wife was being n**ty and said “you wouldn’t see the kids a quarter as much as you do if I didn’t arrange it and I’m done managing you.”

I defended myself, I’m not an absent parent- and said something along the lines of “I’d like to see how long you can manage without me.” Consider my foot officially in my mouth. She’s started running again. She’s cooking really healthy and often.

Every night I come home to my perfectly happy stepford wife, doing it all without me and I feel empty inside. How do I fix this? I don’t even know where to begin… at this point I want to beg her to go back to how things were. This wasn’t what we agreed on.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

mrspieflavored −  You literally said that your wife told you, “you wouldn’t see this kids a quarter as much as you do if I didn’t arrange it and I’m done managing you.” Now you’re proving her point. She’s not going out of her way to arrange it and you’re not making an effort to do anything.

Samael13 −  Stop waiting for your wife to *ask for help* with *your kids*. If you’re an active parent, you shouldn’t need to be asked “to help.” It’s a combined responsibility. Also, *talk to your wife*. She’s rightly pissed because you’re treating the kids as *her* responsibility that you help when asked. Be proactive.

Stop taking her for granted. Find out what you need to do to make amends. You absolutely *are* an absent parent if the only time you do things is when she asks or when she actively includes you. It’s not her job to tell you when and how to parent.

UsuallyWrite2 −  I dunno…step up? Get involved without her organizing it or instructing you?. Are you really this daft?

Sel_drawme −  If you were an active parent/spouse, you wouldn’t be posting this on reddit. I take it you still haven’t apologized.

car2car −  You know when a couple gets divorced and the man is shocked while the woman is fine because she checked out long ago? This is your wife checking out. A basic apology is not enough, you need to act as if she just told you she wants a divorce and is giving you once last chance to convince her otherwise.

I’d start with a profuse apology then book her a week long vacation somewhere relaxing and tell her you want to start being an equal parent and you’re going to handle the kids alone while she is gone so you can start learning how to do that.

Please know that even if you’re successful, this will not go back to “normal” where she serves as kids/house manager for you. It sounds like she never wanted to be manager but was fine doing it as long as she was appreciated for her hard work and sacrifice. Once you belittled that, there’s no going back.

ruby0220 −  Why does she have to “send” the kids to say goodnight to you? What are you doing instead of spending wind down time with your family?

Good_Ad6336 −  So to summarize, your wife is done telling you what you need to do so you turn to Reddit to tell you what to do? Your wife deserves better. She deserves a husband that doesn’t wait to be told what to do, how to be a partner, how to spend time with the kids.

You wrote lists of what each person does? You have noticed with your own eyes the stuff she has done without you? Perfect. Take her list and do all those activities before she can.

If she starts doing something on the list look her in the eye and tell her you will do it, she deserves to be treated like a partner, and you appreciate all the other times she has done it without being told thank you. You also need to continue apologizing.

salebleue −  You sound like my ex-husband. I left him. At the end of the day you realize you shouldn’t need to raise your husband along with your actual children.

What really is rich is that you cant last without her – not the other way around. It took a divorce for my ex to step up to parenting and even now he is somewhat helpless, forgetful and lazy. The kids beg to come back to stay with me when with him

WhatHappenedMonday −  She is getting for life without you. She has taken over everything so no one will miss you including the kids. She is running to get in shape for when she starts dating again. You have a much bigger problem than you realize. Sounds like she is completely over you. Which sounds about right from what you have posted.