My husband saw some texts. I screwed up.

A young woman (26F) finds herself in a marital crisis after her husband (33M) discovers text messages with her best friend where she jokingly mentioned an ex’s attributes.

Though the messages were intended to be harmless, her husband is deeply hurt and angry, leading to intense arguments and emotional turmoil in their six-month-old marriage. She regrets her actions but struggles to find a way forward. Read her story below.

‘ My husband saw some texts. I screwed up.’

My husband(33m) and I (26f) have been together 3 years and married for almost 6 months. We usually have a great relationship and this is completely on me. There is a guy I dated very briefly when I was like 18.

It wasn’t serious, I just knew we weren’t going to be compatible and didn’t want a serious relationship so I “broke up” with him. My best friend of like 14 years has been talking to him. I do not care even a little bit. He is a good guy so whatever. She has texted me and asked me questions about him that I have answered.

The other day we were texting. She was telling me about their date and jokingly asked me about his d**k size. I really should not have and regret it but basically told her he was big. It was just dumb joking texts between friends that I didn’t think anything about at the time.
My husband saw these messages on my ipad.

The d**k message along with me saying.what a good guy he is has completely wrecked my husband. He is really clearly hurt and has been really angry. I told my husband before that we briefly dated. He thinks I didn’t tell him we had s** but I thought it was implied from our convo.

I honestly think he did but is lashing out to hurt me. I know that he is a man is really hurt by what I said and I feel f**king horrible. He has said she f**king awful things to me though and now when he does decide to talk to me he just screams at me and wants every single detail of when I had s** with ex.

I haven’t answered some of the questions because of said screaming and I don’t think it will be good for our relationship. I don’t like this and I hate my life rn. I have been apologizing every day but we aren’t getting anywhere.

Everything I do makes him mad and it has been bad. He is never like this and I’m trying to be understanding because u did something horrible but idk. Idk what to do. We have only been married for like 6 months and it feels like I have already destroyed my marriage.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

DifficultTrack6198 −  Given that OP was 23 when they started dating and husband seems to have expected to be told who she had s** with, I would venture a guess that he dated,

and married someone who was much younger than him in the hopes that she would not have slept with very many people and would not have much s**ual experience to compare him to. Now, finding out that she has been with someone who had a “big d**k” he feels insecure and inadequate.

OP, this is a**sive behavior. Even if your husband is not willing to get couples therapy, please consider individual therapy for yourself and assess for your safety in the situation because he sounds like he could escalate.

MLeek −  There is no mistake you can make, that justifies verbal abuse. A hurt person only turns into an a**sive person, because they believe they are entitled to abuse you. Don’t loose sight of what you know is true: You reasonably disclosed your past relationships to him.

His reaction of *feeling hurt* by a private conversation with the woman who actually is dating this ex, is reasonable. But hurt, is where it ends. Rage is not justified. Abuse is not justified. He is an adult person who needs to be able to manage his feelings, without *screaming* at you.

You deserve a marriage where your partner can deal with being hurt or upset, without being a**sive towards you. Apologizing won’t solve this if he feels entitled to behave this way towards his wife.

If that is his perspective, then this man was waiting for a reason to destroy this marriage. And he found one. You can try counselling, but frankly I wouldn’t recommend it if he doesn’t recognize his hurt is valid, but his verbal abuse is unacceptable.

assflea −  Your husband sounds like a crazy person. Who cares who you had s** with 8 years ago?? 5 years before you even knew him.
And honestly, I don’t even really agree that the text was inappropriate.

It’s not like you brought it up, you were asked a question and you answered. You’re not sitting there reminiscing unprompted. I bet you a million dollars if one of your husband’s friends asked him how some former lovers body was he’d answer without a second thought. 

Chorazin −  OP this is abuse. A loving and caring partner doesn’t scream demands to hear about s** you had years before you even met him. I’m not even going to ask how he saw them, I bet he’s real demanding with phone access too.

buckwheat1 −  I can’t imagine worrying about a wiener you saw over 8 years ago attached to a person you don’t talk to. Your husband is expressing childish behavior because of his own insecurity. He needs to work on his feelings of inadequacy.

LearnsFromExperience −  So in summary, your husband… * Violated your privacy by reading your private messages with your friend
* Made the info he read about himself, even though it was before you were in a relationship and had nothing to do with him

* Is holding your s**ual history against you *. Is verbally abusing you and refuses to discuss this like a rational adult. Somebody is f**king up your marriage, but it isn’t you. Time to take a good hard look at whether you want to deal with this s**t for the rest of your life.

ThrowRA-1211999 −  May be a hot take, but to me he’s in the wrong on every point. First of all, why does he have access to your private messages? Seems weirdly controlling and overbearing to me even in a marriage.

Second, I don’t understand why he’s taking what you said so personally. You didn’t even say anything flirtatious about your ex. You simply said he’s a nice guy and had a large package. Nothing wrong with being honest to a friend.

You married him and not your ex, how is that Not a good enough example of your commitment to him? I have no doubt that my wife has been with men bigger than me, but she married ME. Why should I care?

Third, nothing justifies verbal abuse no matter what. This is an extremely toxic response on his part and should not be tolerated. Going to be honest, Your husband sounds like a man with fragile ego who’s willing to take it out on you when it’s damaged. Seriously consider your relationship and marriage with him.. Good luck.

Last_Friend_6350 −  He is way, way overdoing it. Is it something to do with d**k sizes because he seems to be taking this way too personally? I’m not joking here. I take it he’s read the chain of messages so he should understand it was just a throw away line?

Reading about his behaviour is actually scary. Do you think he could hurt you? If you can, go stay at a friends or family members and let him cool down. It’s really not that bad a thing to have said to cause that reaction.

lagelthrow −  He has said she f**king awful things to me though and now when he does decide to talk to me he just screams at me and wants every single detail This is an inappropriate response to what happened. If this is how he behaves when his feelings are hurt, he needs professional help to learn to regulate his emotions.

“i dated him ten years ago, he’s very nice you should go for it.” is NOTHING and discussing his penis size is quite crass IMO but i dont think its grounds for your husband to scream at you. I dont think ANYTHING is grounds for your husband to scream at you.

Apologizing out the wazoo isn’t going to repair anything if he’s not trying to actually communicate with you about his feelings about this.
I think you need to tell him “we aren’t getting anywhere and i’ve made an appointment with a marriage counselor so we can have a mediator to discuss this.

I did not intend to jeopardize our marriage in any way and i don’t want this to get between us but i don’t know how to make this better because we aren’t discussing it in a way i can understand. Will you come to this counseling session with me?”

dataslinger −  I don’t think you screwed up. Would I want to see those messages from my partner to her friend? Probably not, but it wouldn’t ruin my day or anything,

and it would absolutely not result in me screaming at my partner for days. His reaction is wildly disproportionate. I agree with others here who say this sounds a**sive. You don’t deserve this treatment.

Trust can be fragile, and rebuilding it after a misstep requires both accountability and open communication. Do you think their marriage can heal through understanding and patience, or has this moment caused irreparable harm? How would you navigate such a delicate situation? Share your thoughts below!