AITA for being angry and shocked at my dad for moving on so quickly after my mother’s passing? I haven’t and probably won’t tell him I’m angry but I am?

The OP lost their mother suddenly in August 2023 and has struggled to cope with the grief. Their father, who had a history of being unkind to their mother and abusive to the OP, started dating someone new by December, just a few months after the loss.

The girlfriend moved into the family home within a year, and the father even declined reserving a grave plot next to his late wife, citing the possibility of being buried with a new partner. The OP feels deep anger and betrayal but has not expressed this to their father, instead carrying the weight of their emotions during a difficult holiday season.

‘ AITA for being angry and shocked at my dad for moving on so quickly after my mother’s passing? I haven’t and probably won’t tell him I’m angry but I am?’

My mum passed suddenly, with no warning in August 2023. At least by December of the same year, my dad was already dating his new girlfriend. He was very secretive about it so unsure. She moved in with him to my childhood home the following September. When asked if he wanted to reserve the adjoining grave plot when we were burying my mother, he said no, because he might want to be buried with his hypothetical new wife.

The very day she passed he told me he was planning to move on but even then I didn’t expect it to be so soon. My mother was wonderful to him, he was the one who was n**ty to her. I am so so angry always. I’m home from uni for Christmas break and I’m just so angry. Doesn’t help that he abused me all my life either.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

HelloJunebug −  I think part of this has to do with the abuse you buried at the end there. He doesn’t seem like a good person. It’s valid that you are angry. My mom passed away in jan 2023 and my dad was dating someone a few months later but he wasn’t a**sive.

They didn’t have a great marriage but they loved each other. I think he was checked out towards the end. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like your dad loved her as much as you think he did. With the abuse, is there a reason you still have him in your life?

ConvivialKat −  I’m going to give you a bit of “older widow” perspective. I’m not at all surprised that your dad found someone new almost immediately. It has been my experience that older guys, who have been married for any lengthy period of time to women who “took care” of them (cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc) almost immediately hunt for a replacement. All the better if they are younger, so they can “take care” of him into his later years. Give it some time. His true self will come out with wife number two. Poor thing. ETA – This is why I will never remarry.

blackcatsadly −  Men tend to either move on quickly, or die within a year or two. Not true for women. Make of this what you will.

NosyNosy212 −  Women mourn, men replace.

bacongrilledcheese18 −  NTA. Any chance they were dating before your mother’s passing?

Deep-Blacksmith-1371 −  NTA I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s natural to feel angry and hurt, especially with how quickly your dad moved on and your history with him. Losing your mum is hard, and being home makes it even tougher. You don’t have to handle this alone. Talking to someone you trust, like a friend or counselor, could help. It’s okay to take space from your dad if you need it. People nowadays do that, I know someone who did what your dad did.

StableGenius369 −  NTA, but let me tell you the tale of a close friend. He and his wife (let’s call them John and Sally) were two of the most compatible people I have ever met. They had two daughters, one just finishing college and newly engaged, and a younger girl, just starting her university life. Sally’s mother suffered a devastating stroke that left her severely disabled at about 60 years of age, so John and Sally knew that time was not on their side.

And it happened: Sally had a major stroke, with only their younger daughter home at the time. The doctors told the family that as soon as Sally hit the floor, she was gone. It still devastated everybody, especially the daughter who found her and couldn’t save her mother.

John was nearly suicidal, completely destroyed by the d**th of his soul mate. He was the quintessential nice guy, popular in the neighborhood and at his job. His situation elicited an outpouring of sympathy from friends and colleagues. A co-worker gave him a sympathy card, and baked him cookies, a woman he had shared few words with up until then.

They started taking breaks at work together. She was single, he was in pain, he leaned on her and she was steadfast in her support. Affection grew, and within a few weeks they began dating. Some of his friends were suspicious of the relationship, but many of his closest friends knew the back story. There was no collusion, no secret relationships, just a sensitive woman comforting a damaged man.

When they made their budding romance known, John’s girls were appalled and angry at the perceived diminishment of their parents’ marriage. But Cathy, the new woman in John’s life was patient, sympathetic, and understanding. She offered to help the older daughter with her wedding plans, but didn’t intrude unless she was invited in. The younger daughter, still a complete mess from her mother’s d**th, was less willing to accept the relationship.

In the end, Sally was a larger presence in her daughter’s wedding than Cathy was, but it still was a a civil affair. A month later, John and Cathy were married – about six months after Sally’s passing. The older daughter threw a bridal shower, the younger still had a hard time with everything, but she was at the wedding and even stood up as a bridesmaid.

As one of John’s best friends, I had a front row seat to all this. It was surreal, but I am convinced that Cathy saved John’s life. He would have done himself in within a couple of months, if not for her support. They recently celebrated their 20th anniversary, with both the daughters, sons in law, and grandchildren in attendance.

You had issues with your dad that John’s girls never experienced. That changes things. But don’t assume there was an affair going on without substantiation. Grief is a powerful emotion, and it drives behaviors into weird directions sometimes. Take a moment for yourself, and for your father. Your futures will be happier for it.

gobleck14 −  You’re definitely NTA. Grief is messy, and your feelings are valid. Therapy helped me.

Spiritual_Reward_253 −  Honestly, think of him not wanting to be next to your mom as a blessing. He treated her s**tty I’m life and now she doesn’t have to spend the rest of eternity by the man who did that to her.

oldjadedhippie −  As someone who’s a widow , and has known other widows , sometimes the need to fill the void is overwhelming. Also , it usually ends badly.. be patient, and understanding.