My wife is upset that I gave away our children’s Inherentiece (also gave mine away) to my sister who was the primary caregiver for our mother. AITAH?

The OP’s sister became their parents’ primary caregiver for 12 years while the OP focused on raising their family in another state. After their mother passed away, her estate was divided per the will, with a majority intended for the OP’s children. Acknowledging his sister’s sacrifices, the OP gave her not only his share but also their children’s portion to provide her with financial security.

While the OP views this as a necessary act of fairness, their wife is angry, especially because the decision was made without her agreement, as it affects their children’s college funds. Now the wife is considering consulting a lawyer, leaving the OP questioning if he acted wrongly.

‘ My wife is upset that I gave away our children’s Inherentiece (also gave mine away) to my sister who was the primary caregiver for our mother. AITAH?’

Long story short my sister became our parents primary caregiver for the last 12 years. Our mom passed away about a year ago after everything was settled my parents still had a decent chunk of money left. As per the will she it was split four ways with majority going to my children.

My sister does not have kids, and to be frank our mom did take her for granted. I tried to help when I could but my first child was born around the time our mom got sick. Second was born around 5 years later. We also lived in NY while my sis and our mom lived in Texas.

While maybe not technically legal on part of our kids I gave my sister everything so at least she has a six figure lump sum to start her life. I explained to my wife I never expected to get an Inherentiece and our children will be fine sure they may not have a six figure college fund but they will be fine. We are still contributing to their college funds. Sure we could have used it to pay off the house, invest or what not.

I told my wife my sister is 35 with a nearly 12 year work gap she is going to have a hard time and needs all the help she can get. Idk she is pissed and claims she is going to talk to a lawyer in the morning. I kind of shrugged her off which made matters worse.

For the record she has no issue with me giving up my portion she is only upset I gave up our children’s portion and did not talk to her about. I did talk to her about but I was not going to change my mind cause my sister deserves that money far more. 12 years of caregiving with minimal pay and dealing with our sick mom? Yeah she deserves more.

I also explained this is tbe least we could do because we barely lifted a finger to help. Granted our life situation did not allow which is more the reason why I think this is the least we can do.. Aitah?

Edit: Just for a point of clarification the will did not expressly mention my children so no trust was formed for them. More or less the estate was 1/4 to sister and 3/4 to myself. With the understanding and “intent” that I was to keep 1/4 and the rest to the children. But in terms of written terms only two checks were written. Mine and Mt sisters.

Update: That is a lot of comments I will try to read all of them. I appreciate the feedback. I would like to clear some stuff up. I get those of you who think I am an a**hole for stealing from my kids will not change their but for context. Both our children have a 529 account we created and been contributing to since they were born.

They each will have a modest college fund. Depending on where they go yes it could cover four years fully. Even so we will also encourage our children to apply for grants and scholarships on top of what they have in their college fund.

As for the comments I am doing to to cover my guilt. I do feel bad but I am only 3 years older than my sister when my mom got sick I just started my career as an engineer, had a child coming we could not just up and relocate to TX or even afford the cost of care and living to have our mom move to NY. My wife is a SAHM I had my hands full tbh. So yes a part of this is to make up for my lack of support.

That being said as I told my wife just like her choosing to stay home has helped our family, my sister choosing to stay with our mom helped us. She gave me the opportunity to focus on my career, it is only fair I do the same for her. As for the amount in question I don’t think it is nesscary more than 100k less than 500k have fun with said figure.

My sister does have a college degree she never got to use because she did what I did not have the stomach to do myself. She stepped up, and anyone that insulted her has been automatically ignored. For those so concerned about our financial situation. Only debt we have that is carried over month to month. My wife’s car payment she leases, and our mortgage which admittedly is high but hey price of living in NY. I have a one year in expenses covered in cash. I make good money my kids will be fine.

For everyone stating my marriage is over and it is my fault I will say this. If my marriage is over for showing my two children what I should have done from the start and supported my sibling instead of ignoring what she was going through so be it. I feel this is an important lesson for their to learn. End of the day parents die and when they die all you have is your sibling. I want them to understand how important that bond is and how they should protect it at all cost.

My wife wants to divorce me over this, she would be the one who broke our family apart not me. If my kids don’t forgive me then I clearly screwed up as a father if they value money that they had no idea they would get over what their aunt did for their grandma. I think my kids will understand and I 100% plan to tell then when they get older.

Everything else don’t be like me. Offer help if you have a loved one that is being cared by a family member. Make the time to help don’t assume because they don’t ask all is fine. Reach out offer to give them a weekend off or something minor if live close by share the load it makes it easier on everyone.. Happy holidays.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

mdsnbelle −  Actually, the real piece of s**t here is your mother. She left you 3/4 of the estate as a “congrats on the s**” knowing that your sister gave up her entire adult life to care for her.

Brilliant-Swing4874 −  The same happened to me, my younger brother and his wife took care of my mom, I told my wife I was going to give them my portion of the estate since they spent years taking care of her, and she was hard to handle.. As she passed I kept my promise. We paid for our kids college education just fine and. are content with our decision.

Curious_Muse842 −  NTA – Everyone saying he is the AH has never cared for a sick parent. His wife and his mother were the AH’s. The sister gave up a huge chunk of her life for her mother and his reasoning is sound. You all are nuts.

Relative caregivers give selflessly and hardly ever get anything in return. Nor do they ask for it. His mother was awful not to split that money more equitability especially if he and his wife are more financially stable and can provide for their children.

Elderly are forgotten about and often abandoned in crappy care homes. She gave up a career and family for her mother and her mother couldn’t care less. At least her brother sees what her contribution allowed both him and his mother to have. Her to be taken care of and die in her own home and him to be free to have and raise a family. His wife has no chance with a lawsuit if the will did not mention the kids.

Again, I’d like for anyone calling him the AH to put themselves in the sisters shoes. Imagine you just spent the last 12 years watching your parent deteriorate. Feeding, changing, bathing etc. It is back breaking and heartbreaking work. It is truly a labor of love and duty. But yet all her money went to a child in another state just cause what he had kids. Good god. You are a good man OP. And I say this as a relative caregiver actively taking care of my parent. Thank you for appreciating your sisters sacrifice.

13surgeries −  OP, you should have consulted an attorney before doing anything. In my state–and I think this is pretty standard– money left in a will to minor children is considered a trust, and parents do not have the legal right to spend it or give it away.

Hopefully you haven’t received the money from the estate yet and can still change plans. Since you won’t have to save as much money for your kids’ college educations, why not contribute regularly to an account or stock portfolio in your sister’s name? That would take care of both issues.

Opposite_Birthday_80 −  If your mother had gone to a nursing home the estate would be 0. Your sister definitely deserves that money.

lizchitown −  As someone who did caregiver my mom, it is a thankless job. And since op openly said they basically did Jack to help cause they had kids in another state. To me, OP did the right thing. Sister gave up 12 years of her life. Has a huge work gap. Plus, I imagine it affected her social life. Now she is 35, having to restart her whole life. Mom was wrong to not do 50/50 at least. OP you are not the a**hole.

AnSteall −  NTA. It’s very common that a child (often the girl) is taken for granted to provide care for elderly parents, only to be given nothing or close to nothing in the will, which usually goes to the male child. You seem to have a spine here, unlike a lot of the commenters, where you appreciate the sacrifices your sister made looking after your mother. She sacrificed a large part of her life for this and who knows what opportunities she gave up for this.

While I do understand that some of your inheritance was meant to be for your children, your children are well looked after, with a money pot building up towards their future. If the parenting goes well in terms of finances, they are set for life.

Your wife is of course rightfully upset but if you can reassure her that your family doesn’t lose out despite your decision, she should come around eventually. This is assuming that you will not be suffering financially by not keeping the inheritance meant for you in the first place. Merry Christmas to you with your kind heart.

Roke25hmd −  Reading the comments I realise how Americans are really heartless, the woman took care of her mother for 12 years, and was screwed over by her monster of a mother, and all of you are telling him he’s the a**hole for doing the right thing, I wish for all of you monsters to go through what this woman went through, NTA.

ulisessh7 −  I mean no disrespect but YTA, you can add your mom also to that no offense. Your mom really dropped the ball here. She left the majority of the estate to you, as if having kids somehow outweighed the fact that your sister sacrificed over a decade of her life to be her caregiver. That’s where the unfairness started, and your instinct to make it right for your sister is understandable.

But the way you went about it is the problem. You didn’t just give away your share; you gave away money intended for your kids’ future without properly involving your wife in the decision. It’s not just about doing what feels fair it’s about respecting your partner and making decisions together, especially when it impacts your whole family. Your sister deserved more, but your wife also deserved a say. You had good intentions but handled it poorly.

Pocahontas21334 −  NTA. The money was willed to you and your sister and you decided to give that money to your sister who gave up her life to looks after your Mum. Tbh your inheritance really has nothing to do with your wife.