Boyfriend wants me to cut ties with family?

A Reddit user (30F) is caught between mending her complicated relationship with her parents, who caused her emotional pain during childhood, and respecting her boyfriend’s (33M) wishes to cut ties with them entirely.

While she feels ready to forgive and rebuild connections, her boyfriend remains adamant that her parents don’t deserve a place in her life. Read the full story below.

‘ Boyfriend wants me to cut ties with family?’

I (30f) have a complicated relationship with my parent and step parent. They neglected me as a child and gaslit me into thinking I was wrong. I also think emotional abuse was present from the step parent. For a long time I pretended it was fine and held contact but eventually drifted away.

However, we were always on friendly terms when we met up or called (rarely). My boyfriend (of 8 years, 33m) quickly caught on to my step parent and disliked them from early on, based on their mean/unfair personality, argumentativeness, and my history. I still find myself trying to keep the peace.

My step parent *has* tried to apologize a few times in the past few years for the childhood trauma. This year I was diagnosed with AuDHD which I think explains some of our difficulties in conversation and my lack of understanding social cues etc.

I confided in the step parent whom apologized again and it felt like we were turning over a new leaf. We said we wanted to be in more regular contact and do trips etc.

I returned home and told my boyfriend I wanted to visit them at their vacation house in Florida to escape the winter weather and he was appalled that I’d let them back into my life so easily. He basically wants me to never visit them and not try to rebuild the relationship.

I have forgiven but not forgotten the issues and would rather move forward. He’s also mad because we visit them regularly but they never visit us. We live half a continent apart in the USA.

Should I try to mend the relationship or cut them off? I really need help and don’t know who to ask. I hope this is specific enough but I can add more details if requested. Tried to keep it short as possible.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

selarenfia −  you should do what you feel like doing. dont have guilt for not having relationships with them if you dont feel ok about it. dont retraumatise yourself. if you want to have relationships with them do it. your boyfriend can advise you but you are the one to decide.

meeldtar −  Non-biased help ie a therapist will help you explore your feelings and create a path that serves you, and help you define boundaries to protect yourself. A portion of that will depend on what the abuse was.

It’s important to remember while apologies are good, they really only count if actions support them by behavior changing. Otherwise it’s just empty words. I can see your boyfriend’s perspective here: why would he want to socialize with those who have hurt you and continue to be mean.

Complete_Hat6078 −  You need to decide this for yourself, and I would suggest you ask your boyfriend to step back from the decision. You don’t need him to rescue you from this situation. He’s being protective of you, but he’s overstepping.

Quicksilver1964 −  I don’t think you should visit them for a long period of time (as you said, to escape winter, because it implies a longer time than a casual visit). Also, I don’t think you should consider forgiveness if nothing much has changed or talked about.

I think forgiveness is nice, but there are steps to that: not throw things under the rug and act like nothing happened, but actively have conversations (difficult conversations) about the subject and boundaries in place. Maybe even start family therapy and individual therapy (for you).

If you have been doing that, and conversations have been had, then alright. However, I don’t agree with the no contact. YOU are the one to decide to cut them off, and his demand is seriously a red flag.

Sure, he hates that they were a**sive, and I get it, but he cannot demand you to do something like that. It’s m**ipulative and controlling. It makes me wonder if you end up in another a**sive relationship and if he will not escalate after that.

I’m not saying that he is a**sive or that he will become worse, but it’s something to pay attention too. You need boundaries with your boyfriend, and see how he reacts to these things. Explosions, demands and ultimatums should be believed and met with even more boundaries.

The person who will help you the most would be a good therapist, to deal with your family and your boyfriend. But, please, don’t do something you don’t want because he thinks “it’s best for you”. Talk to someone else, someone who will be able to help you disentangle your emotions and deal with complicated relationships.

Quicksilver1964 −  I partially agree with your boyfriend, but not like he would like to. First, I don’t think you should visit them for a long period of time (as you said, to escape winter, because it implies a longer time than a casual visit). Also, I don’t think you should consider forgiveness if nothing much has changed or talked about.

I think forgiveness is nice, but there are steps to that: not throw things under the rug and act like nothing happened, but actively have conversations (difficult conversations) about the subject and boundaries in place. Maybe even start family therapy and individual therapy (for you).

If you have been doing that, and conversations have been had, then alright. However, I don’t agree with the no contact. YOU are the one to decide to cut them off, and his demand is seriously a red flag. Sure, he hates that they were a**sive, and I get it, but he cannot demand you to do something like that.

It’s m**ipulative and controlling. It makes me wonder if you end up in another a**sive relationship and if he will not escalate after that.
I’m not saying that he is a**sive or that he will become worse, but it’s something to pay attention too. You need boundaries with your boyfriend, and see how he reacts to these things.

Explosions, demands and ultimatums should be believed and met with even more boundaries. The person who will help you the most would be a good therapist, to deal with your family and your boyfriend.

But, please, don’t do something you don’t want because he thinks “it’s best for you”. Talk to someone else, someone who will be able to help you disentangle your emotions and deal with complicated relationships.

derango −  Your boyfriend presumably loves you and doesn’t want to see you get hurt. So please, try look at the situation through his eyes. If you truly feel like you’re turning over a new leaf here then go for it, but I want to warn you that people are going to be who they are, not who you want them to be.

Just be sure that you’re not creating an ideal of who you want your family to be in your head and convincing yourself that that’s who they are because that’s what you want. The brain is real good at doing this.

Are you speaking with a therapist currently? As others have said, finding a therapist who you feel comfortable with might help you untangle all of this and see the situation more clearly. Your boyfriend is too much on your team to be objective, and quite honestly, you’re probably not seeing the situation objectively either.

FrescoInkwash −  have you discussed this with your therapist? i can see your boyfriend’s perspective tbh. why do you want to mend these relationships when it doesn’t sound like they are putting any effort into doing so. it takes both parties putting effort in for there to be any chance of a meaningful relationship going forward

Elfich47 −  What is the benefit to visiting your abuser?

Rebuilding family relationships can be a personal journey, but balancing that with a partner’s concerns is equally complex. Should the user prioritize moving forward with her family or her partner’s feelings of protectiveness? What would you do in her shoes? Share your insights below!