Should I Keep My Immature Best Friend as My Best Man?

A Redditor (30M) is grappling with whether to continue his long-standing friendship with his best friend, Ted (30M), who he feels is stuck in a state of arrested development. Despite shared history and memories.

Ted’s self-centeredness, immaturity, and resistance to growth have strained their bond. To complicate matters, the Redditor already asked Ted to be his best man at his wedding, leaving him uncertain about how to move forward. Read the full story below.

‘ Should I Keep My Immature Best Friend as My Best Man?’

My buddy (let’s call him Ted) and I met through mutual friends while we were studying at University of Maryland. He’s part of a larger friend group that I have had since college, though he’s the one that I I’ve now hung out with the most, especially since a lot of our friends have moved a little further away (though we’re all still in good contact).

While we were in college, we all enjoyed hanging out and had common interests including music, baseball, as well as drinking and partying. As with most graduates, almost everyone in my friend group has gotten more mature as we’ve grown older…except for him, and it’s really starting to take a toll.

I think he is going through what you can call a classic case of “arrested development”; unfortunately, he didn’t exactly have the best upbringing, and was raised by a mother who was/is an a**oholic. Later in life, I feel like this has led him to have a very jaded and nihilistic outlook on the world, and that everything is b**lshit or nothing matters.

What concerns me the most is that he refuses to grow up. He can be **incredibly brash and unfiltered** when hanging out in public. I also have a very difficult time connecting with him. I feel like all of our conversations are *extremely* “Ted”-centric, and that whenever we have our conversation,

he finds a way to steer the conversation towards himself. It’s frustrating because I feel like, whenever I talk to him, I have to acquiesce to *his standards and views* of the world, and that the conversation is always on his terms. At it’s worst, he can be very self-righteous and stubborn.

I don’t think he’s a *selfish* person in the sense that he is greedy, but he is absolutely self-centered. He’s clearly stuck in the past – almost every time we hang out he gets very drunk and will talk about how he still would do anything for his high school sweetheart and that he still loves her.

They haven’t spoken in over a decade and she is married with twins. This sort of broken record goes on with other things too. He loves talking about the one time I finished a bottle of Peach Amsterdam Vodka and fell asleep in an Ocean City hotel hallway when I was 21. Almost every time. Yeah it was funny, I was 21, but I’ve moved on.

He doesn’t seem to have any ambitions or goals. Sometimes he’ll say that he “wants to do music”, or be a writer, or be a farmer living off the land, it changes all the time. The issue is, he hasn’t shown any remote progress in any of those dreams, zero.

Tt seems to me he likes the **idea** of being a playwright or farmer or whatever, rather than the actual work. Instead of realistically looking towards his future, he likes to basks in the comfort of old memories.

Speaking of his love life, I’m worried that he can be a bit overbearing with his flirtatiousness whenever we go out. He is always flirting with somebody, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing per se, but at some points, I feel that his inebriation leads him to a place where he could be coming across as creepy rather than flirty.

Kinda tying back into his behavior being brash, I get worried when I bring him around other people. The problem is – **he has no desire to change and he has very little (if any) self-awareness**. His behavior and attitude has triggered many verbal fights between us,

with the most recent one being him driving home p**s drunk when I told him to stay at my place or get an uber. This isn’t the first time it’s happened either, but he rarely shows any remorse, about his drunk driving or really any time he gets into trouble. He’s already had one DUI and has a very “J**kass” or “Viva La Bam” mentality.

I definitely think he has some mental or emotional issues that need to be diagnosed, all of which are totally understandable and merited given his background. He won’t do anything about it though. “Everything is b**lshit. Nothing matters. Psychiatrists and therapists are quacks.” His behavior is very very much the one of an indignant child.

I’m not trying to elevate myself or come across as righteous, but the past few years I’ve been focused on my own growth – professionally, mentally, as well as my building my life with my fiance. I feel like, because of this, that maybe I have “outgrown” this friendship.

Long story short, I think he stopped emotionally/mentally developing at 19 and that he’s a teenager in a 30 year old body. This is especially true now that my relationship with alcohol has evolved as well – I used to be a “weekend a**oholic” in my early to mid-twenties.

Nowadays, I hardly, if ever, drink to the point of heavy inebriation on my own accord…except of course, I’m with Ted and he’s trying to order double gin and tonics. My fiance and I have had a longer engagement (almost 3 years).

At the beginning, I made an admittedly shortsighted move by giving him the honor of best man – while there were others in contention for the role, I feel that he won the tie-breaker because he had never been asked (and I don’t foresee anyone else in his life asking him),

and because, damnit, I thought he *should* feel like his life was important and that he matters (despite his cynical nihilism). Maybe this could be an opportunity for him to grow? Unfortunately not. I’ve come to regret this decision, and honestly, I’m thinking of cutting contact with him.

I know it would be very hard, and could possibly disrupt some dynamics in some of our friend groups. The way that I think about it now is that, maybe I’ve been clinging on to our friendship because he is the last one that is close by that I can see on a regular basis. If I had met him at 28 rather than 18, I know that we wouldn’t be friends.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

MisterForkbeard −  I mean, have a talk with the dude. It probably won’t go anywhere. But you can say “We’re all concerned about you, and I need you to do certain things if you want to be my best man. It’s okay if you don’t want to do those things – I can find someone else.

But you need to stay sober, tone down the flirting so it doesn’t c**ep people out, etc. My fiancee is the most important thing to me, and I need to make sure the wedding and other events go as well as they can”

He’ll probably say no and you can ghost him later or just stop doing things with him. If he says yes, you can give him a little bit of a shot, but he’ll probably fail and then you can go pick another good friend. And then likewise – just don’t hang out with him anymore if you don’t want to.

Basic-Leek4440 −  It is ok to break up with him. All joking aside, you guys just don’t sound compatible anymore, just like any other relationship.

ShoulderChip4254 −  This happens. I know people 5 years older than me who still go to the high school football games here.

writinwater −  Some friendships just have an expiration date. It sucks but it happens. People grow differently. The best man thing is super awkward, but November is almost a year away. You’ll find time to tell him that you’ve grown apart.

JudgeNo8544 −  Better to live in truth than a lie. We need different types of people at different points in our lives. And if life is an experience to be had, a journey to be explored, then it’s best to move on from friendships when that chapter is finished. You know it’s time to for this. Doesn’t make it easier, you just gotta do it.

decaturbob −  – you can tell him he is no longer going to be part of your life and wedding…we have zero need to keep toxic people around us unless we enjoy the pain they created

Aggressive_Sky8492 −  If you’re going to cut ties with him anyway, I think if you’re his friend, or have ever been, you should at least try a “come to Jesus” talk with him. You don’t need to tackle everything you said here, but you should at least tell him you see he has a drinking problem and is running in place in life,

and that you think he should try AA, or rehab, or whatever. Unlikely he’ll change but you never know – many have come back from way further off track than he is. The worst thing that can happen is he gets mad and cuts ties – but that’s what you’re planning on doing anyway.

I will say that if you’re ever aware of him driving drunk again, for the protection of the community please call the cops and give his whereabouts so they can stop him.

severeresponse27 −  What is his relationship with his mom like? Are they close? You mentioned she is an a**oholic so there is probably some codependency issues there. This Peter Pan identity can happen in men who have toxic relationships with their mothers

Especially the “stubborn, refuse to grow up, hyper ‘independent’ / avoidant” types. I would encourage him to go to therapy and if keeps refusing, end the friendship asap. He will go by himself when life hurts “enough.”

Friendships often evolve over time, and sometimes people grow in different directions. Should the Redditor stick by Ted in hopes of inspiring change, or is it fair to prioritize his well-being and let the friendship fade? How would you handle such a complex and emotional situation? Share your thoughts below!