My bf has an irritating alarm problem, and it’s ruining our relationship?

A Redditor is struggling with her boyfriend’s disruptive sleep behaviors, which are affecting her sleep and, in turn, their relationship. Despite working different hours, her boyfriend sets multiple alarms early in the morning, waking her up and disturbing her sleep cycle.

This has led to her needing to sleep on the couch or repeatedly walk upstairs to remind him to turn off his alarms. On weekends, he sleeps in late and needs constant encouragement to get up, leaving her feeling exhausted and resentful. To see how others react to this situation, read the original story below.

‘ My bf has an irritating alarm problem, and it’s ruining our relationship?’

My bf (26m) and I (30f) have been together almost two years. He moved into my home about 3 months ago and I’ve been really struggling with his sleep behaviours. I sleep poorly most of the time, I’m a light sleeper and need a carefully concocted layout of pillows to be comfortable.

I can set one alarm to wake me and get up straight away. I work a 3 week rolling rota, working different days each week, incliding a full weekend every three weeks. It’s mostly 9-5 working from home, but two days per week I work 10/11 hour days away from home (this is what my weekends of work are).

A “normal” nights sleep for me is 5ish hours, a really good night is 7/8 hours and a really bad night can be anything as low as an hour/90 mins. In contrast, my partner works Mon-fri 8-4 and has every weekend off. He works just 5 minutes from home and can leave for work at 7:50. His alarms though….

For the love of god they drive me insane. He sets alarms to get up and shower before work… It’s one at 6:20, another at 6:30, 6:40, 6:50 and 7. . He then sometimes decides not to shower that morning, and will set an alarm for 7:30 and go straight back to sleep. Problem is, his 6:20 alarm goes off and that’s me awake, I’ll then sit and listen for every alarm going off for the next 40 minutes… It’s demoralising

The weekends are then the other side of this, he simply will not get up. If I do not drag him out of bed, he will stay asleep untill 12/1pm. He gets frustrated that he’s not up sooner, but seems to then make very little effort to change it.. So… My problems:

1) My sleep is suffering in the week, I’m not getting enough sleep for work and am regularly sleeping on the couch so that I don’t have to deal with his alarms, although he has them so loud and leaves them running for ages so I hear them anyway and I end up having to walk upstairs to tell him to turn them off. He knows his alarms disturb me and we’ve talked about it before, but nothing seems to change.

2) I have to wake him up in stages at the weekend. A gentle nudge, then make sure he’s sat up, then make sure he’s on his phone, then encourage him up with a brew or breakfast. I’ve told him it’s like dealing with a toddler. “Five more minutes then sit up” ” 5 more minutes then out of bed” etc.

he was embarrassed by this and agreed it’s not acceptable… Yet here we still are. I’ve expressed that infeel he doesn’t respect my need for sleep either and he keeps apologising.

Essentially, he gets lots of sleep, and I get very little and it’s coming between us as I’m starting to resent him for it. Please give me advice on how to manage this!? I feel like I don’t want to live my whole life exhausted and battling with him and his sleep pattern. Thanks in advance 🙏🏽

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

manykeets −  I used to be your boyfriend. I was a heavy sleeper and it was just impossible to get up. Because when I woke up, I was so groggy I couldn’t think clearly to recognize the consequences. I wanted to go back to sleep so bad I didn’t care if I got fired from my job. I lost some jobs over being chronically late. I felt immense guilt and like a piece of s**t for being so lazy, but I couldn’t seem to overcome it no matter how hard I tried.

I saw a sleep specialist and found out I have a sleep disorder. I was prescribed stimulants. I set my alarm for an hour before I’m supposed to wake up. The medicine bottle and a glass of water are on my nightstand. When my alarm goes off, I take the pill, then go back to sleep.

In an hour, it kicks in and I naturally wake up feeling energized and ready to conquer the day. After starting meds, I was never late to work. Changed my life. So all that is to say, your boyfriend should see a sleep specialist. He could have a sleep disorder. If not a disorder, some people are just extremely heavy sleepers, and a sleep specialist may be able to help him.

explaindeleuze2me420 −  some people are not compatible sleepers. moving into a separate bed was wonderful for my relationship. and fwiw, I would *not* be able to tolerate that alarm situation. my alarm is a gentle tone that fades in and I turn it off almost immediately, and get unreasonably angry if I accidentally forget to turn the vibrate off. I couldn’t handle multiple blaring alarms going off in succession like that.

your feelings about it are totally valid, and the only thing I’ll say is that you should stop trying to manage it for him, he’s a grown-up who can figure out how to solve his issues with waking up, as well as accommodating your completely reasonable need to get sleep and not manage his mornings.

slogginmagoggin −  I’m not sure why this is your problem to solve. Ask him what HE thinks he can do to make this better. And no vague statements about “oh I’ll just get better at getting up” because he’ll backslide on that so quickly – how is he going to set himself up for success and hold himself accountable?

That might be going to the doctor to check for sleep issues, getting an alarm that he has to get out of bed to turn off (and setting it for the time he needs to be up, no snoozes or getting back into bed) or a less intrusive alarm like a vibrating wristband. If he’s not interested in doing anything meaningful about it, you really need to look at your relationship and whether this is a snapshot of your future as his new mum.

emptysee −  He doesn’t care because it doesn’t affect him. You’re even rewarding him with gently waking him. He’s sleeping fine, so why would he change? Girl what do you mean 3 MONTHS?? I would’ve lost my S**T ON DAY 2, DOES THIS MAN HAVE A MAGIC D**K, WHY ARE YOU SUFFERING SLEEP DEPRIVATION FOR HIM?

Separate bedrooms, noise canceling headphones, stop acting like his mother and let him sleep because he clearly doesn’t gaf or leave him. I’d leave him because he clearly doesn’t care. Sleep deprivation is literally a torture tool and he’s 100% fine with you experiencing that

soph_lurk_2018 −  Setting multiple alarms is super selfish when you’re sharing a bed with someone.

Sneaky_lil-bee −  Separate bedrooms, but one is dedicated to having “fun” in. It’s not your responsibility to get him up, although it is your responsibility as a partner to support him and make sure you at least offer him some advice.

I think separate beds are a good idea, outside of s**, because in all reality, some of us don’t sleep well with others, and it’s just a sad fact of life. Also, having separate beds could have a positive spin, he’d maybe be motivated to get up earlier and come to your room for a bit, if you catch my drift.

Sercorer −  He either cares about your well being, comfort and sleep, and will make changes to show this or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t what does that say about how he values you and your relationship? Is it just this sleep issue or are there other things he does to show you he doesn’t care about your feelings? You’ve tried talking. Make an ultimatum, if he doesn’t change then it’s time to change your boyfriend.

mangoserpent −  You sit him down. You repeat how this behavior impacts you then you give him a time line. If he has not fixed the issue by the end of the time line then he moved out. The end. He moved into your home and you are being negatively impacted and he is forcing YOU to be responsible for managing it. He is sleeping fine, you are not.

mosesenjoyer −  As a vet, you need to tell him to turn off the snooze function and set only one alarm. the reason he struggles is because he is waffling about getting in and out of bed and that confuses a humans circadian rhythms. If he can manage it for a week it will be permanent.

I would also encourage him to practice immediately sitting up and getting out of bed when the alarm goes off. Its hard, but gets easier every day. When I wake up I am alert and not groggy by the time i am finished with morning pee. Right not he is teaching his body that the first thing he is going to do each day is go back to sleep. This is a recipe for oversleeping and a groggy day.

Environmental-Age502 −  I have to be honest with you, I’d be telling my partner the problems, telling them to *find* a way to fix it that does not rely on disturbing my sleep any more or he moves out again (and then I’d d**p him if he doesn’t). But I’m an absolute monster without enough sleep, and it’s compounded even worse if it’s due to disrespect rather than *just* situation.

But I dunno, I don’t think you’d be out of line in this case, cause in my view, this shouldn’t even be an issue. I dated a guy who slept/rose like this, and he knew we weren’t compatible to live together for this very reason, so we didn’t. We broke up for unrelated incompatibilities, but he was always very firm that whenever we *did* make the step to live together, we would need seperate rooms as it would be the end of us otherwise.

Do you think the Redditor’s feelings are valid, or is her boyfriend’s sleep behavior not a big issue? How would you approach this situation in a relationship, especially when sleep patterns are conflicting? Share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments below!