Difficulty trusting wife after a night out?

A Reddit user (31M) shares his difficulty trusting his wife (30F) after a night out with friends. Though she has a history of getting very drunk during nights out, the Redditor is particularly upset after inconsistencies in her story about what happened when she returned home late, including her interactions with a male colleague.

He’s struggling with his feelings of distrust, especially since she has been deceptive in the past. Despite her attempts to reconcile, the Redditor feels devastated and is unsure how to move forward with the relationship. Read the full story below…

‘ Difficulty trusting wife after a night out?’

Difficulty trusting, what should I do? I 31M am upset with my wife 30F. We’ve been together 12 years, married 2 and have a child under 1 together. She’s always went out a lot with her friends which I have no problem with, but occasionally she can get extremely drunk, wobbling and talking nonsense with no sense of what’s going on.

Every time she says she’s going to drink less in the future, I’d say it’s happened maybe 5 times this year and has always been the case throughout the relationship. It’s been a week, she went out last weekend with her friend for drinks, in town about 10minutes drive away.

She doesn’t always message me, she went out a few weeks before and I messaged her at midnight saying goodnight and she got in a few hours later, I thought nothing of it. But last weekend she did message me at just before midnight asking how I was and said she’s just getting a taxi.

I was asleep and didn’t see it, I woke up at 1.20am and saw the message, she still wasn’t hope so I replied asking if everything is ok as it’s been an hour and a half? No reply.

She rocks up at 2am stumbling about downstairs, on the phone mumbling to the friend that she was out with, I can hear the odd thing about her talking about guys and asking about where she was, and one of their colleagues that they bumped into, they seemed to be filling each other in at what happened towards the end of the night.

She’s up for about another half an hour talking to her, I try and get to sleep and think we’ll talk about it in the morning. I asked her how her night was and about what happened in the morning, she kept it vague to start with just saying it was good, so I asked her questions about what happened between texting me at 12, when the bar she was at shut and getting in at 2.

She said she went to another bar and forgot to get a taxi, she didn’t share a taxi with her friend even though she lives in the same direction and ‘she didn’t think to’, and she was with her friend the entire time except waiting another 15mins for her own taxi.

So I asked her why did she call her friend she’s been out with all night at 2am, ‘to check she got home safe’ fair enough, but I asked why was she trying to call her earlier in the night if she was with her, ‘she went to the toilet for a long time and she didn’t know where she was’. She was also with a male colleague she was friends with, that they bumped into in the 2nd bar.

I want to trust her but I’m having difficulties as her story doesn’t add up to me and she’s been deceptive in the past, she wants to kiss and make up but I’m struggling to get over this.

It’s only been a week and isn’t a huge thing but 1st Christmas is coming up with our daughter and she says I need to get over it or think about divorce (which she clearly doesn’t want) she just wants to move on. She’s said the usual she won’t go out as late and drink less etc but I can’t forgive her easily knowing I trust her a little less now, it’s devastating. 

Check out how the community responded:

Oznewbie −  If she has gave the ultimatum ‘get over it or divorce’ I would read that as a big red flag. She doesn’t belive you will do anything and doesn’t respect you enough to, at least, try to put your mind at rest. She needs to want to change her ways as they do not align with yours. If she doesn’t want to try – you can’t change her.. People need to want to change.

Ifiwerenyourshoes −  Yeah that’s a no. When some tells you to just get over it is a huge reg flag . I would simply say. Yeah no, I am not getting over this and you will just fall back into the same routines. If you are so easily pushing for divorce, we can do that.

Because we are supposed to be a family, and you running around getting drunk with your friends, over and over again, and expect me to trust you while you are pretending to be single. Does not work for me. We can come up with a coparenting schedule. Then hand her a list of the bills.

WeirdAl777 −  A child under 1 & she’s written herself off 5-6 times this year? She’s got big issues & now so do you.

Shadow_cat25 −  The more concerning part is why does she want to stay out until 2am drinking when she’s got a child that young at home?

Fulgerts55 −  In other words, you either pretend you don’t see what she’s doing and ignore it, or you divorce. What do you want to choose for your future?

WritPositWrit −  Her story sounds okay to me, but her behavior does not sound okay. A 31 yo mother should be more responsible than that. Is your wife an addict/a**oholic?

655e228th −  She only cheats when she’s drunk. She’s a binge drinker which is a form of a**oholism. 30s are too old for this. Tell her she gets help or it’s divorce time.

Drgnmstr97 −  You do know what to do, you just don’t want to do it because it will blow up your life. But living with your wife while she continues to frequently go out acting single is going to erode whatever love and affection you still have left for your wife. Hell, her statement to get over it or divorce her would probably be the end for me. She no longer loves you and she absolutely doesn’t respect you and that is a difficult blow to take.

If you want peace of mind then sit her down and have the difficult conversation with her laying out the drinking problem and the late nights. Don’t sugar coat the appearance that she is acting single and it’s easy to believe she could be involved in extramarital activities because she has no interest in reassuring you she isn’t. If she has no interest in acting respectfully, why would you want to continue the marriage?

Particular_Sock_2864 −  It’s really fucked up when people tell others that they need to get over something. Not their place and your gut feelings tells you already something is not adding up here.

Dig deeper and ask further. Her giving that semi ultimatum/threat of divorce considerations is nothing short of going ballistic. Wild. Maybe she’s got something to hide. I’m with you being suspicious… sorry man

Throw_RA099 −  The thing that jumps out to me is that you have an infant under a year old and that she seems to go out every weekend drinking with her friends and colleagues, leaving you home alone with your child.

At that, she’s gotten oblitereratingly drunk at least five times, at least once every other month, assuming she took 6 to 8 weeks to recover after birth and your child is almost one. She definitely has an alcohol problem. Second, if you’re concerned about cheating, I don’t think so here. Possible?  Yes. But that’s not what jumps out to me in this story.

Sit her down and tell her she has a drinking problem and that while she well deserves time out with friends without you, that instead of going out one weekend, you plan a sitter and go out on a date and another weekend you get a night out with your friends. She needs an intervention ASAP and should go to AA. You’re getting hosed under this arrangement. 

Do you think the user’s trust issues are justified given the circumstances, or is he overreacting to a situation that could be explained? How would you approach rebuilding trust in a relationship after incidents like this? Share your thoughts in the comments below!