Should I (29F) accept my partner’s (35M) secrecy and defensiveness about his close friend (34F) after they started to drift apart?

One person from Reddit (29F) shares her concerns about her partner’s (35M) close friendship with a woman (34F) that has become emotionally charged and time-consuming. Despite feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, especially when her partner became defensive about it.

She wants to know how to address the secrecy and her lingering doubts. Though things seem to be improving, she’s unsure whether she should ask for more details or let go of her concerns to avoid hurting him. Read the original story below to understand her dilemma further.

‘ Should I (29F) accept my partner’s (35M) secrecy and defensiveness about his close friend (34F) after they started to drift apart?’

My partner (35M) and I (29F) have had a strong and generally healthy relationship (together 7 years, living together for 5). Mid 2024, things took a downward turn. We both have experienced hardship and mounting stress with our jobs and our families.

In all the stress we started arguing and he started spending less time at home. This year he also reconnected with an old friend (34F) from a previous job. They were decent work friends before, but they’ve become very, very close. It started out as catch-up conversations and work-related advice.

It quickly evolved into emotional support and interpersonal advice. They text daily and have long conversations on the phone fairly often. She takes him out for lunch every now and then and has taken him to some of her cycling classes.

I do want to point out that she’s married and according to my partner, seems very happy in her marriage. I’ve met her a few times in group settings and I get the sense that she wishes I were not there.

She does not talk to me unless I directly address her, even while she tries to pull my partner into conversations that are specific to their industry or previous place of employment. To be honest, I don’t like her. I felt a lot of insincerity from her and I feel like my partner was manipulated by her in some sense.

I did try to like her. I think m/f friends can be great. I have m friends and he has f friends, but this is so much closer than feels acceptable. None of them are this emotional or take up this much time. I wanted to be supportive person and I know my partner has been going through a lot, but I felt like I was being treated like furniture.

Whenever I talked to him about my concerns, he became defensive & stopped talking to me about her all together, even though he was still talking to her and spending time with her. I ended up asking him to cut off the friendship or at least put it on pause for a bit. He called me out as jealous with controlling behavior.

Sadly I think he’s right, but I don’t know how to get over this. Woof that was all backstory. Thanks for hanging in if you did. Here is where we’re at now: Starting this month, he has been spending more time at home and making an effort to talk with me. It’s been really nice.

I feel like we’re becoming a real couple again. Since he didn’t mention anything about her, I asked and he said they just started to drift apart. He said they still talk but only briefly. He said she got a little too comfortable but he won’t go into more detail.

He said he hopes to “restart their friendship after some time”. He said if he tells me more I’m just going to overthink and speculate and stress him out. He thinks I should focus on the positive stuff instead of assuming the worst, for both of our sakes. He is right.

I don’t want to stress him out and I feel like I should just be happy with the effort he’s been putting in. He is wrong because I am not assuming the worst but I can’t stop wondering in circles what happened.

I feel appreciative that he put up a barrier (that’s what it sounds like at least) but if she did get too comfortable, why would he still want to be her friend?. He’s also accidentally alluded to them spending a lot more time together than I thought, but when I ask, he rephrases things and backtracks.. O

I want to know what he happened so I can feel better about moving forward with him. I’m afraid that I I will want more details even if he tells me an answer. Should I just let this go? How would you scrub those questions from your mind? Do you have any recommendations?
Or should I ask for the details or is that bound to be hurtful to him?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

MorthaP −  I feel like my partner was manipulated by her in some sense. this is such a weird take I see now and then from women who are being cheated on (not saying you are but it’s kinda the same direction)

like do you think your partner has no agency and can just be forced by anyone to become close? How is she doing it, what power does she have over him?

DiazBrothers01 −  I think one of 2 things happened: 1. She flirted with him and he rejected it. Hence, he’s distancing himself from her.
2. You are not the only one concerned with this situation. Her husband got pissed off with this too and told her to back off from your bf.

verklemptmuppet −  Am I understanding this right, that he was neglecting your relationship for his friendship with her? In my opinion, it’s one thing to have a friend and another thing to let your marriage suffer because of that “friendship.”

I also find his suggestion to “just focus on the positive” kind of bs. “If I tell you more, you’ll stress me out.” So only you are allowed to be stressed by this, OP? Not him? How convenient. I’d try for couples counseling if he’s open to it.

tearoom442 −  I was actually going to advise letting it lie, since it sounds like he has put up healthy boundaries with her…until I got to this part: He’s also accidentally alluded to them spending **a lot more time together than I thought**, but when I ask, he r**ephrases things and backtracks**.

That is…problematic. Not that I think he cheated, but it sounds like he’s not being honest with you, both in the past and now. Obviously you can’t have trust in a marriage without open and honest communication. I second what others have said about couples counseling.

Blue-eagle-23 −  A few ideas of what “a little too comfortable” could mean:. In no particular order- 1. Their emotional affair was taking a turn toward more. It could be your partner or her husband or both who stepped in to say no.

I would call it an emotional affair since your relationship was suffering as a result of the time and effort being put into his relationship with her. 2. It did turn physical and he feels bad. 3. She spoke badly about you and that was a step too far for him.

4. She confessed to having feelings for him. At any rate him saying “if I tell you more you’re just going to overthink” means it’s something that would bother you.

Blyndde −  I would have an issue with a lack of honesty. Lying by omission is still lying.

Kind-Dust7441 −  I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years, together for 22 years. I am firmly on Team Men and Women Can Be Friends. But, in my opinion, when a friendship is regularly given priority over your relationship, that friendship has crossed the line into emotional affair territory.

Personally, I would not let this go. But then, I wouldn’t have let it go one as long as you did. I would absolutely need all the details about whatever occurred between them that caused the breach in this friendship that was so important to him that he ignored your concerns about it. Every last detail.

So that I could make an informed decision as to whether I could stay in this relationship. I would not even try to “scrub those questions” from my mind. It wouldn’t work, so why expend my energy trying? Why should I be left wondering and worrying while he gets to just carry on with his life? It’s bound to hurt him?

Oh, poor baby. He knowingly and willingly hurt you, it’s his damn turn to feel some hurt. I recommend you sit him down and give him a choice. 1) He can come clean with all of the details about the true nature of their relationship and their subsequent breakup. 2) He can go through a 2nd breakup when you end your relationship with him.

Ladyughsalot1 −  It appears your husband doesn’t really “get” what marriage is. It’s not actually his right to decide he can keep this info from you. It pertains to the marriage and the boundaries of that marriage.

I’d tell him that for trust to remain (and with the poor optics throughout this friendship, it’s gotta be shaky) you do expect him to be open about this friendship and what transpired. You have been nothing but respectful and patient. Him acting like you can’t handle the truth is insulting and also look even shadier. 

JaneAustenismyJam −  I would want to know. Ignorance is bliss, but you know there is more to the story than what he is telling you. I am assuming he did things with her that you would consider cheating, and now he is trying to push it under the rug and move on for his own sake.

He doesn’t want to face any consequences of what went down. Personally, I would want to know what happened so I could make an informed decision.

655e228th −  tell him you insist on seeing the texts and if they’re erased/not forthcoming he should start packing. He’s going to restart that friendship a little later? Let him do kit from elsewhere

Balancing trust and transparency in a relationship can be challenging, especially when doubts linger. Do you think it’s healthier to confront your partner with your concerns, or would it be better to let go of the questions for the sake of peace? How do you think the couple can navigate this without causing more harm? Share your thoughts below!