I (29M) feel bad for making my wife’s (28F) life miserable after her affair. Think it’s time to forget and forgive?

A husband is grappling with the fallout of his wife’s affair two years ago and the strict restrictions he set to rebuild trust. While his wife has adhered to these conditions, she’s now asking for more freedom, including attending a friend’s bachelorette party in Vegas.

Despite her efforts to reconcile, he struggles with lingering mistrust, guilt, and uncertainty about the future of their marriage. He wonders if it’s time to let go of the restrictions and move forward but fears risking his emotional security.

‘ I (29M) feel bad for making my wife’s (28F) life miserable after her affair. Think it’s time to forget and forgive?’

(Back story) About 2 years ago my wife decided to have a full blown affair with her coworker. I actually had no clue until she slipped up and sent me a text meant for her ex lover. It was something like “he’s going to be gone with the boys all weekend for a camping trip”.

She realized that she messed up, but I pretended not to receive the text. Had my dad take my boys camping, so I could investigate. Anyways I found her and her ex lover at our house. Never confronted them just collected evidence the entire weekend. I tailed the ex lover to find out where he stays (turns out he has a whole family too).

(More Back story) Monday morning once my boys go to school I confronted her with all the evidence. I was expecting her to put up a fight, but she just broke down and admitted to the whole affair. The affair lasted for 8 months according to her. She begged me not to file divorce.

I still loved her and was broken learning about the affair. She told me that she would do anything I wanted to keep our marriage. One of the main factors I decided to try and fix things was knowing that if we split she would probably go back to her hometown which is 2 states away.

It would be nearly impossible to see my boys if that happened. I would’ve fought tooth and nail for full custody, but no lawyer could promise I’d win..

(Restrictions)After doing a lot of research online I prepared my demands and list of restrictions for her. I made sure she fully understood that if she wanted to gain my trust back she had to follows these rules. With that I told her if she wanted a divorce I was willing to go down that route too.

Told her she had to give me a fully written confession letter with all the details of her relationship with her ex lover. She had to give a copy of the letter to her ex lovers wife and apologize to her for destroying their marriage and family as well. She would have to find a new place to work at.

As far as restrictions go she has to have her location on at all times on her phone. Tracker installed on her car. All passwords and bank account statements (we have separate bank accounts) have to be shared with me. If she goes out with her friends she has to check in with me every 30 minutes FaceTime.

She’s no longer able to see her best friend since she knew and supported the affair. She’s not allowed to meet with anybody from work outside of work. No s** until I’m ready to try again. Her main reason for cheating was because I wasn’t in the physical shape I used to be in. I agreed and lost 35 pounds, and took up boxing.

(Current situation) Wife no longer wants to check in with me when she’s out with her friends. She wants to hang out/ go to lunch with co workers, because she’s lonely at work. Also she wants to have s** with me. We haven’t had s** since the affair. I just started to be able to kiss her.

She wants to try for another baby, but I don’t think I’m ready. The other night she had her hair done and put on a lingerie and heels for me, but for some reason I couldn’t. She went to the bathroom to cry. I felt like garbage for ruining this beautiful girl my wife.

The sound of her crying still is messing with my head. Her best friend is getting married, and she wants to attend the bachelorette party in a few weeks in Vegas. I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want my wife’s life to be completely miserable.

Then again this is the friend that knew about the affair and supported it. My worry is if I keep these restrictions on my wife she’s going to regret her decision to stay. It’s not like she’s asking me to remove them. She asked me to consider it. As for the bachelorette party she just told me about it.

She never asked to go, but I know what she meant by telling me about it. I just want our marriage to go back to where we were. Enforcing all this is so tiring at the same time. I’m tempted to give her entire freedom back, but they’ll always be something in the back of my mind telling me not to trust her.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

TreyBouchet −  Your relationship can never be the what it once was, and you are just prolonging the inevitable. Neither of you can continue to live like this. I wish you the best of luck, my friend, and a happy future.

ThrowRA-MIL24 −  This is not even a relationship anymore. Either you need to give her freedom back, and learn to trust her and forgive her… or walk away.. This is miserable for both of you

NuclearMishaps −  This isn’t a relationship any more, man. It can’t be. Not with everything that she did and the restrictions you’ve put on her since then. Just divorce. It’s the right thing to do here

dazed1984 −  You should separate, it’s been 2 years. If you agreed to stay with her you can’t use this against her forever you will both just be miserable. Her suggestion of a band aid baby is terrible.

Wisebutt98 −  You’re in the wrong sub. This is the “You must leave the c**ater” sub. You may get better advice from r/survivinginfidelity. I hear you about destroying the woman you fell in love with. If you keep this up, she will resent you, and nothing kills love as effectively as resentment.

You can’t control people, no matter how many restrictions you put on her. If you can never trust her again, you can’t stay. If you think you can trust her, and that she’ll be honest with you, you have to try.

Beguiledwanderer −  Baby, it’s time to just let her go. She agreed to these things to save the marriage but Jesus Christ just reading her restrictions and requirements had my throat closing feeling suffocated. At no point do you mention that you still love her.

It truly just sounds like you aren’t ready to deal with the reality of shared custody. This is the mother of your children. If after a year of abiding by your rules and you still can’t even stomach to even touch her? Your heart can not forgive the betrayal and that’s okay.

Cheating is a deal breaker for most people. Sit down, communicate the best coparenting for the kids that are in both of yalls best interest and be cordial. She needs her bestie and freedom to start with someone new vs trying to save this marriage that has nothing but hurt and resentment in it. You deserve someone you can trust and love as well❣️

libbysthing −  What’s the point of all this? Are either of you actually happy? Are you ever going to be? IMO the list of rules is ridiculous and no way for either of you to live. If you are only staying together for the kids, you need to figure something else out. Don’t waste your life.

Throw_RA099 −  You’re never going to forgive her and the mind movies will play the rest of your life of her being fucked on your marital bed by this guy. I would never be able to move past that alone.

Full reconciliation entails you being able to forgive her, and years later you’re absolutely not ready for that, and you may never will be, and that’s ok. Have you gone to therapy? You should find someone today if you haven’t.

It’s not fun being a prison warden. Divorce her for both of your sakes and let her go to her friend’s bachelorette party. Just send her fiance a message introducing yourself and let them know he’s marrying someone that condones cheating. 

Azure_phantom −  So I don’t see anything in that list of restrictions that was designed to rebuild the relationship and rebuild trust. They’re just rules you put in place so you can make sure she has no social life outside of you and any attempt at a social life is constrained to check ins via facetime every 30 minutes.

The ball is in your court to figure out what you need to rebuild trust – those are the things you ask for. None of the rules you put in place were actually useful towards that purpose. So now, here you are, two years later exerting your control, still no trust, and still no relationship worth investing in.

Time for you to s**t or get off the pot – figure out what you need to forgive her, and if you can’t forgive her, then figure out divorce. But stop tormenting each other with this half-in/half-out/fixing nothing approach.

All you’ve succeeded in doing is becoming controlling and a prison warden and making sure your wife has limited social connections outside of you – is that who you want to be?

angryromancegrrrl −  if you haven’t gone to couples counseling, you need to do that asap. I understand the restrictions but at some point it’s more about punishing her and less about fixing the relationship, get outside help and perspective. stat!