Wife [31F] doesn’t want to be a mum anymore. What do I [30M] do?

A husband (30M) finds himself at a crossroads as his wife (31F) struggles with motherhood, showing signs of regret and frustration in raising their three children.

Her increasing irritability, reliance on yelling, and a concerning call from a neighbor about her behavior have prompted him to seek advice on how to address this delicate situation. Read the full story below.

‘ Wife [31F] doesn’t want to be a mum anymore. What do I [30M] do?’

Household duties are fairly even. I return from work and do baths, dinner, books, housework and bed. The Groundhog Day of parenting.
She works 2 days per week (F and S). I work Monday to Friday. Younger two are in daycare Wednesday to Friday and eldest 5 days per week.

I understand the severity of the situation and wasn’t expecting so many comments. My thoughts have changed considerably from the moment I posted this to now and thank everyone thus far for their feedback and comments.

My kids are my top priority and their safety and well being are of my top concern. I will be temporary separating from my wife while we work through this and get her the support she requires..

We have three children 8, 5 and 2. My wife has become increasingly quick tempered as the older the children are getting older and has resorted to yelling at them to get their attention/out of frustration. The frustration has lead to numerous comments to the effect of regretting having children.

The yelling has resulted in the kids not listening to anything but yelling as this has become the new normal. Today I received a phone call from my neighbour, first time, complaining that my wife has been shouting and yelling at the kids constantly. They also raised that the kids are outside at 5:30am.

I am out of the house from 5am to 3pm due to work and cannot vouch for either of these. How best would you raise this with my wife? Noting, that she will see this as a personal attack and I expect will be quick tempered.

Check out how the community responded:

HatKey9927 −  As a child of a mother who did this, you don’t get over it. It impacts your life everyday. Me and my siblings all have issues from it. Protect your kids. I wish I had someone to protect us. And you never, ever, forget hearing your mother say she regrets having you. It plays on repeat in my head twenty years later.

Edit to add: I didn’t expect my comment to blow up. So I’d like to add: For all the times I was told I hope you have a child who turns out just like you and you’ll see how terrible you treat me, well, I did, and guess what, it wasn’t hard being a decent parent.

kifferella −  First off, you know that if a neighbour called, it’s BAD. People will ignore massively bad behaviour, especially if it means shitting where they eat. They’ll chalk it up to bad days, takes all kinds, we don’t know all the circumstances, blah blah blah.

So if your neighbour literally overcame the enormous social taboos against sticking their beak in, your wife is toning it down a ton in front of you, and what your children are living is untenable.

Second, don’t do that. “I can’t vouch for that” thing. Yes, you can. You have been informed. You now know, from at least one source, that your wife is booting the kids out of doors nearly the moment you leave for work. You’re not a court of law, you don’t have that sort of burden of proof.

Third, what do you do? You think back to the long line of folks who came before you who had a spouse go out for a pack of smokes and not come back. You step up. You get er done. You keep enough hours to maintain a smaller household for you and your children,

you find adequate childcare for those hours you must work, and you spend the rest of your time taking care of your kids. Your wife is so combative and volatile, you’re trying to find a way to ask nicely enough about her abuse of your children that she doesn’t attack you too. F**k that noise. Boot her.

NYCStoryteller −  You are going to have to step up and have a conflict with your wife about the kids, or you risk losing them. There is NO REASON for an 8 year old, 5 year old and 2 year old to be outside at 5:30 AM.

You’re lucky your neighbor called you, because I would have called the cops and told them that we needed a social worker here to pick your children up. Your wife is abusing your children. I would talk to a family lawyer and a counselor to find out how to proceed, because this WILL get u**y.

ThrowRAcheeseit −  I think she needs a mental health evaluation immediately this sounds serious

UndebateableMom −  The well-being of your kids has to come first. Ask her how serious she is about her thoughts on having children. Is she looking to get out of the family? Is she a SAHM and wants a change? You need to get to the root of her feelings. Talk to your kids and ask them how they’re doing.

Don’t prompt – just say “how was your day”. “Anything special happen today?” Get a feel for whether they are nervous talking about it. Or they might just open up. Maybe take them out for fries at McD’s or something like that so they are away from the house.

pinkflamingoturds −  You can suggest counseling, but if she doesn’t want help nothing will help. I was in a similar situation. Wish I’d divorced sooner. To protect the kids it’s usually the only way on. Document. Document. Document some more. Get your neighbor on record. Even if you don’t plan on divorcing right now, it may help later.

agirlsknowsthings −  You leave her and protect your children. This is abuse. If it was a man being a**sive to his children we’d all say leave. Her being a stay at home mother doesn’t give her an excuse to mistreat the kids. She might have mental health problems but unless she’s willing to do the work, your priority is your children.

Azilehteb −  You take the kids somewhere safe, and then buckle up and confront her. You tell her: She is a**sive. She is endangering your children. You will not stand for it any longer. She can seek therapy and self improvement or you can leave with the children.

Consider having a relative or close friend watch the kids for a bit while you two sort this out. Because it absolutely must be done, and your children do not need to be further abused.. Go stand up to her.

Doubleendedmidliner −  I hope you realize how bad it has to be that the NEIGHBORS reached out to you. Yes the yelling and kids being outside at 5:30 am is annoying them, I’m sure, but to actually make the call to you had to be extremely uncomfortable for them and most people would only do such a thing out of extreme concern.

You need to put aside worrying about how your wife is going to feel/react and step up for your children. She can leave, she can get help, she can get therapy, she can get meds etc. your kids however can’t do anything but be held hostage by her abuse while you trot off to work.. Do something and do it now!

kait_1291 −  I am 33F, and this was my mom when I was 8. My mother is 61. I’d like to give you a look at your future if you let this behavior from your wife continue. I was 16 when my mom went from yelling to slapping, and from slapping to punching.

Occasionally, if my mom was feeling spicy, she would wrap a fist in my hair and *then* punch me. Super fun. She would kick us out of the house as soon as my dad left for work. We would barely have time in the mornings to shower/brush teeth/wash faces/eat/get dressed, so sometimes…we didn’t.

If you’re wondering if we got bullied for wearing the same clothes to school multiple days in a row, the answer is yes. We almost always went to school hungry. Once, my mom had to cut my hair off at the shoulder because it went so many days without getting brushed. She beat my ass for that too, by the way.

All of this was accompanied by the chorus of her telling me how much she hated us kids and wish she’d never had us. In a few frank and painful hindsight-is-20/20 conversations with my dad, this lovely sentiment of hers began in the confidence of their bedroom. Eventually, she was screaming it an inch from our crying faces.

When I left for college, she killed my dog as retaliation. Yes. Really. Because no matter how much she hated me, I wasn’t allowed a single scrap of independence. About midway through college(engineering),

I hit a snag and as a result needed to drop one class to focus on the remainder of my classes in order to maintain my GPA to maintain my scholarship. She screamed at me for 4 hours straight, until I was curled into a ball against the kitchen island.

She told me she never loved me, that she loved my brother more, that if i was smarter I wouldn’t need to drop a class, that I might as well just drop out. She stopped abruptly when my dad walked in from his poker game.

I picked myself off the floor, got back in my car and drove the 8 hours back to school in the middle of the night on no sleep, no food, and left the bag I’d brought there behind. I wouldn’t come home on break again for the rest of my college career.

I haven’t spoken to my mom since Jan/2021, after she picked up a butcher knife, walked up the stairs of my childhood home, broke down a door, and stabbed my baby brother. Over what, you ask? He drank from a nearly empty carton of milk and threw it out.

When she was arrested, she used her singular phone call to call me and scream at me that the fact that she stabbed him was entirely my fault, that she wished I was him, and that she wished I’d never been born. I was living thousands of miles away, on the other side of the country.

If you want a look at your children’s future if nothing changes, allow me: I jump at loud noises, and anytime anyone(even my coworkers) raise their hand over waist height, I flinch–hard. I’ve been in therapy, both talk and EMDR since 2020.

I can’t date because I think I’m inherently unlovable, and even if I tried, I’m not sure I could ever trust anyone enough to let them in. I will never get married because marriage is a rope, tied to my a**le, dragging me under the water.

All of that to say this: **Divorce her.** Full stop. You’re gonna balk at that because it seems extreme, I am telling you that it is not. She is terrorizing your children due to the fact that she lacks the emotional regulation needed to be a parent.

Not just a good parent, but a parent at all. It’s the only way you will ever be able to get away from someone like that. It’s the only way you will be able to get *your children* away from someone like that, and it is already affecting them.

Your 8 year old the most. The younger two are only learning fear. If you do not snuff out the monster now, it will only get worse. Good luck. You, and your kids, are going to need it.

Parenting is one of the toughest roles, and burnout can affect anyone, especially if left unaddressed. How would you approach a partner struggling with such profound challenges? What steps would you take to support them while ensuring the well-being of your children? Share your thoughts below!