I 25F and my partner 27M have been together for almost 7 years and last year something terrible happened & it has spoiled our relationship?

A woman (25F) reflects on a traumatic incident that occurred during a staycation with her partner (27M) last year. During an argument, he physically restrained her and pushed her onto the bed, which she later learned was reactive abuse.

While she has worked on improving her anger, the issue continues to be used against her during arguments, and now, it feels like their relationship may be beyond repair. Read the full story below.

‘ I 25F and my partner 27M have been together for almost 7 years and last year something terrible happened & it has spoiled our relationship? ‘

I shared this incident last year but deleted it for personal reasons. My partner and I were on a staycation for New Year’s. He wanted to relax at the hotel, while I wanted to go out for dinner to unwind after a hectic, exhausting year. He showed no interest, so we stayed in.

The next morning, I was upset we didn’t do anything fun and wasn’t talking to him much, which led to an argument. He cornered me, got in my face, and grabbed my upper arms so tightly that it hurt. Despite telling him multiple times to stop, he didn’t, and I ended up slapping him.

I apologized repeatedly afterward, but he refused to acknowledge his actions. When I started apologizing, I was so scared that I kept apologizing repeatedly, and he pushed me aggressively onto the bed multiple times. People later told me this was reactive abuse and DARVO, but he has never admitted his part in it.

Although we reconciled after I consistently apologized, the issue resurfaces during arguments. He blames me for my anger, calls me terrible, and uses the incident against me. I’ve worked on my anger issues since then, none of which have ever been violent, and haven’t had an outburst in over a year.

However, a few weeks ago, he brought up the same incident again, made me feel guilty, and stopped talking to me. This time, it doesn’t feel like things will get better. I’m still apologizing and expressing my willingness to put in more effort, but he isn’t responding. When I suggest that we should part ways, he doesn’t reply to that either.

See what others had to share with OP:

OptimismByFire −  He’s never going to leave you. You will be doing this dance in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. If you want it to stop, it’s up to you. You’re the one who has to leave. When you stay, you give him everything he wants. He gets someone to blame, someone to punish, someone to control.. Why would he ever give that up?

JanetInSpain −  First, STOP F**KING APOLOGIZING. He was physically assaulting you and YOU are apologizing to him for pushing him to get him away from you? Damn. Second, LEAVE. No THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER. Stop deluding yourself. Step back and look at the reality of how you are living.

You are letting yourself be walked all over and you are acting like a massive doormat. Grow a damn spine and break up. Have some self-respect. This is a horrible relationship and you can do so much better.

trishsf −  No. When you can say I was so scared, I apologized for doing what it took to get his hands off me, you walk. It’s terrifying that YOU are still apologizing. You are in an a**sive relationship. Physically. Emotionally. Verbally. 

Least_Ad_4657 −  This guy has abused you so hard that he’s convinced you that self defense is violence against him and that you have rage issues for it.

WhiskeyGinger32 −  Oh goodness. My boyfriend does this. I’m planning on leaving after an upcoming trip and working with my therapist on establishing boundaries because he also doesn’t accept parting ways. Our fun twist is I was dumb and dated a coworker, so I’m working on boundaries and keeping them solid.

Mine shoved me 3 times and said “what are you gonna do about it” and blamed it on me yelling during an argument. Girlie, this guy was grabbing you hard… you smacked him because of fight or flight for a GOOD reason. I would strongly recommend leaving your boyfriend too. This doesn’t get better.

He will act like you’re an abuser and forget the fact that he grabbed you. You are allowed to defend yourself. It’s not like a child grabbed you… a full grown man did.

He’s using what happened to justify whatever he is doing and triggering, imo, an anxious attachment side in you to beg and cling. He doesn’t think you’ll go anywhere so he’s doing whatever he wants. I think you deserve way way better.

newtossedavocado −  This doesn’t get better and he’s using it as a manipulation tactic. To be honest, when violence enters the relationship (regardless of why), the relationship is over. Period.

I understand it may have been reactive abuse, but that’s also kind of the point. Leave and learn from this or stay and suffer more over time, much like a frog in hot water. Those are your options.

asghettimonster −  get out now

perfectlynormaltyes −  It’s wild to me that this man has you convinced that you’re the problem with violent, anger issues. YOU WERE ACTING IN SELF DEFENSE. Stop apologizing. Leave this man as soon as you can. It’s not going to get any better, especially if he will not acknowledge his part in this situation.

Roxy8495 −  You have all the time at 25 to find a man that hasn’t squeezed you or dug his nails into your arms, scarring you–and build a healthy relationship more in line with what you want.

Or, you can sink more years into this relationship, which seems to have run it’s course. He sounds like an a**sive bore. Please listen to the reddit red flaggers and let him go slob someone else. You deserve better and he is making you think you’re the problem so you will keep his sorry b** around.

strega42 −  It’s definitely time to stop “suggesting”, and just leave. He’s NEVER going to accept your apologies, and that is ENTIRELY aside from the fact that no one should ever apologize for acting in self defense.

Abuse, whether physical or emotional, leaves deep scars that can linger long after the event. How do you think someone should navigate a relationship where their emotional safety is compromised, and can trust ever truly be rebuilt after such incidents? Share your thoughts and advice below.